Hello. I’m writing this since I think I need help. So I’m in a relationship with a girl for 3 months now we know each other for almost a year and we used to text 24/7. We love each other so much we make gifts for ourselves, we go out daily and we have the best time ever. But I don’t know why I am very jealous and I can’t help it. Every time she is with her friend, a guy who is very good friend of hers for 6 years, I just lose it. She is a honest person, she wouldn’t ever cheat on someone, she hasn’t shown even once that she can do this to me, still I’m very jealous, we’ve had some arguments about that and she said that if I trusted her I wouldn’t worry, I do trust her really, but I don’t trust the guy or I just don’t feel it right to text so much with him or go out with him, I don’t think it’s right, I think he may like her even. And the problem is getting even more serious, I’m starting to get jealous when she goes out with her girl friends I start to overthink what she is doing, who is she texting and I’m so afraid of losing her. I have never felt another person so close to my heart as I feel her, I really don’t want to lose her. I haven’t told her I’m jealous of her girl friends because that would be ridiculous. I really want to keep our relationship healthy, but this is slowly becoming a huge problem which I need help to remove. Sometimes I am jealous that she has fun without me, I hide those feelings from her and I hold the pain in myself. I really hope that you understand my problem even tho my English isn’t that good and my problem is probably very strange. Please help me, I want to change. (age 16, from Bulgaria)
Your problem isn’t strange at all, or even that uncommon, but it is a serious problem. And to be clear, it is your problem not hers. If she wanted to date her friend of six years she would, but she is dating you. It is unfair to expect her to have only female friends, but now your jealousy is beginning to extend to them as well. This is not a good sign.
You state that she is honest and trustworthy — so you know the problem is your own insecurity, and perhaps, lack of confidence or self-esteem. You really need to examine where your feelings come from before you drive her away. If she has done nothing wrong, yet you don’t trust her, she will eventually get tired of this and move on. Teen relationships can be very emotional and very intense but these intense feelings can sometimes lead to negative choices, such as controlling or aggressive behavior.
I would suggest that you research teenage jealousy for some tips on reeling your feelings back in. If you continue to struggle, it would be helpful to seek the help of a therapist.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts