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Wedding planning is creating bad feelings all around

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I recently proposed to my girlfriend and which was the most amazing feeling when she accepted. Unfortunately since then eveything has gone down hill fast.

Our parents met to discuss all the finances and my parents were happy to offer half the wedding, we therefore started to look at places and at one venue my mum took offence to my future MIL getting upset and asking questions she felt were irrelevant. This caused some tension as my finace told my mum to stop being rude and this is were everything started to go wrong.

Shortly after this we found our dream venue and booked the hall, then my parents decided to have another meeting with my in laws with out us being present here is were the major issue started. At this meeting my future MIL took great offence to some innocuous comments made my parents towards them. They appologised (Sarcastically in the opinon of my in laws) but agreed not to tell myself or my fiance. Unfortnately my future MIL decided to go against this and tell us. Hearing how upset she was my fiance took great offence to all that was said as her mother was so upset. We agreed to sit with my parents and to try and resolve this which after a few hours we agreed it had been, however my fiance has an issue with letting things go and moving and seemed to still have this issue but we agreed to move on for the sake of our wedding.

After a few days of more arguing between my parents and her parents as they owed some money to them for the intial hall booking we had another meeting where my parents felt my fiance was extremely rude to them. She may have used a bad tone but there was no malice involved but they were set that she was disrepectful and the next day decided to tell the in laws that they would no longer pay for half the wedding just a certain amount and they also cancelled a cheque they had give. Obviously this then upset my fiance again as rather then discuss their problem with my fiance they just called it off so to speak and she was also annoyed they refused to pay back any money which was owed from some time before.

We have now reached a point where my mum has sat with my fiance and cleared the air (again i still feel my fiance is holding a grudge) but my father wants to sit with her as well as he doesnt want to move forward with paying for part of the wedding with out knowing that and my in laws no longer trust my parents to pay for stuff they are supposed.

I have suggested that we cancel the whole thing and try and start again on a smaller scale but my fiance has her heart set on the dream wedding that she has in her head now.

The whole thing is making everyone person ill and i dont know how to continue any more. I dont want to lose my fiance as she is the best thing to happen to me but on the hand i dont want to get married without my family being there and feeling comfortable. I feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I know this is all so specific but i really do need some help in trying to resolve this so i can marry the love of my life and have a future with her.

You two may be in love but you may not be ready to get married. Take a deep breath and step way back. Getting married means making a life, not just a wedding. Getting along with in-laws, dealing responsibly with money, and planning realistic and joyful milestone events are skills you need for a lifetime of happiness. If you don’t set positive patterns in place now, chances are these areas will be sources of stress and tension that could erode your relationship and your marriage. You are very wise to be reaching for some help.

Please take a look at this article from our archives: Ask your fiance to discuss it with you. You may be able to clear your minds and restart the wedding planning. That means taking the high road with future in-laws, letting go of the idea of a royal wedding and doing something more in keeping with what you can afford, and probably paying for most of it yourself. Whatever relatives offer financially is a gift, not an obligation, so be appreciative of whatever they are willing to contribute.

If you two can’t pull back and renegotiate your wedding plans, and you still think you want to marry, I do suggest some premarital counseling. A counselor will help you really listen to each other and understand the underlying issues that are making it difficult for two good people to make good decisions. It’s an investment in yourselves and your future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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