Hi! Please note that I am perfectly sane, I got a normal amount of friends, I’m social, and I am quite happy.
What is bothering me is something I did 4 years ago, and I am wondering why I acted in such a disgusting way. I used to live with my mother back then, and she wasn’t very well so I belive that may be the cause but that doesn’t change the fact what I did.
I will cut to the point – one time when me and my brother was visiting my grandparents we shared the same room… and I masturbated in front of him. I have chosen to forget it because I don’t know what came into me but now 4 years (when I was 12-13, and he was 10-11) later I’ve been wondering why my brother never talks to me, is it because of that, or is it just because he’s a teenager? I’ve been praying to god that he has forgotten it all.
Please don’t judge me, the reason why I am writing this here is because I would never dare to talk to anyone about this. I am so ashamed. I am not the type of girl you’d expect would have done this awful kind of thing.
What I’m asking is, why was I acting so psychotic back then, and do you believe that he will ever respect me again?
Thank for having such bravery to begin talking about this. I am certain it must have been difficult. It is too hard to know all the forces that might have played a role in your actions back then, but one thing I am certain of is that being able to reflect on your own behavior and transgressions is a good thing. It sounds like this may have caused a reaction between you and your brother that is now the primary issue. Yes? So perhaps the thing to do is to acknowledge there is an issue with him and begin talking to a counselor about the feelings you are having. If that seems too difficult you may just want to talk to your brother about making the relationship better in the here and now. If he agrees and you want help with that, perhaps you could see a counselor for a few sessions to see if you can improve communication. The issue may or may not be something your brother will bring into the session.
Finally let me say this: The way you have described your behavior does not mean you were psychotic or will be. It is very understandable that you would feel uncomfortable about your behavior back then, but it doesn’t mean you and your brother can’t have a good relationship. If I were you I would find out if you brother is willing to have a better relationship with you and take it from there.
Wishing you patience and peace,