Since the time I was 19, I have been involved with men who end up being emotionally or otherwise remain married and unavailable who ended up lying to me and I want to know why? Lots of people tell me its low self esteem but I feel pretty good about myself most of the time. Some of the guys I’ve dated throughout my adult life started out single, but they ended up either going back to their ex’s (unbeknownst to me until much later in time)or they were married who stated they were in a bad marriage and wanted to leave their wives but never did. And the only true single man I have ever dated in my adulthood turned out to be a control freak psycho who stalked me. I’m in my 50’s now and still single and I truly want to find true love of my own but I often wonder what causes me to continue to choose the wrong me? Am I too gullible? I don’t consider myself to be needy; quite the contrary I am quite independent! I wish someone could tell me why I keep making these mistakes so that I can make better choices in a life partner as the guilt and loneliness is killing me sometimes.
There is no one single cause. There are many possibilities. The answer depends on your personal life and circumstances. I would need to know a great deal of information concerning your personal life and psychosocial history.
What can be said with certainty is that your pattern of behavior has led to your unhappiness. That’s obviously a problem because you are unsatisfied with your life situation.
When a problem arises, you should attempt to correct it. Counseling is the perfect arena to explore this issue. Many people enter counseling with very similar issues.
You have identified a problem. You don’t know why but it seems to you that you are constantly picking the wrong men. I would agree that it is a problem because you are dissatisfied with the men that you have picked. If you were my client I would help you find the answers that you seek, I am not your therapist but there are therapists close to your location, who can become your therapist. Please allow them to help.
Think of counseling as a personal trainer for your mind. It’s an efficient way to deal with a long-running and correctable problem. Choose a therapist with whom you feel the strongest connection. Also choose someone who has successfully helped people with similar problems. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle