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Why Do I Gossip to My Friends?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: Whenever my partner and I get into an argument and my partner starts to ignore me, I tend to turn to my friends and tell them what just happened.. and I know this isn’t right! This often had made it even worse and we even lost friends due to this behavior… why am I doing this?

I also have a tendency to hide things when I know he probably won’t like or may have a negative thought of, but when he finds out it also makes things worse.. What is wrong with me???

I don’t think this is mental illness. I think it is a lack of important personal skills. It sounds to me like you use talking with others to figure out what you think about things. You haven’t learned a way to think something through in your own head. Or maybe you don’t trust your own thinking so you turn to others to verify or validate your experiences.

I don’t have enough information to hazard a guess why this is so. It might be helpful for you to see a counselor for a few sessions to gain some insight as well as some new skills.

As for hiding things from your boyfriend: That speaks to insecurity and/or a lack of trust in the relationship. As you have already figured out, hiding things is a form of lying. Avoiding issues doesn’t bring you closer. It pushes your boyfriend away.

I think it would be helpful for you to work on more honesty in your relationship directly. Apologize to your boyfriend for not trusting him and ask for his help when you are insecure or afraid to bring something up. Working together is the route to closeness. IF that is too terrifying, then perhaps a counselor could be helpful with this issue as well.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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