Hi,this has been going on since when I was just a kid.I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I’m scared I might try to commit suicide again.
Well,I basically run away from everything and everyone. I avoid making friends,jobs,school,relationships or any kind of social contact(especially physical contact).I hate it when people hug me,touch me or compliments me.I feel uncomfortable and compliments are nothing but lies.I’ve suffered from depression,anorexia,binge eating and self harm for years.I still self harm,but anorexia is gone.
This is really affecting me.I run away from job interviews(literally) and friends,even though I really want those things.I want so many things,but it’s like good things are forbidden for me.I don’t deserve love,or a job,or friends,or a boyfriend.I don’t allow myself to have any of those things.I’m so depressed and scared I might try to kill myself again.I don’t want to disappoint my family,but I am on my limit.They’ll get over it and I’ll finally be free from myself.I hate myself and my body to the extreme and I can’t take it anymore.I’m ashamed of myself and I keep asking why would anyone ever love me if I don’t deserve it? Please help. Thanks.
There are probably two main reasons why you run from these things: fear and feeling as though you don’t deserve to be happy.
Fear can be crippling. It can prevent you from having a good life. It’s possible, though I can’t be certain, that you may have lacked healthy psychological role models. It’s also possible that you were raised in an environment in which you did not feel safe or supported in your attempts to be independent. Without feeling safe in the world or having healthy psychological role models, everyday aspects of life can feel overwhelming.
The fact that you feel as though you don’t deserve friends, jobs, education, love and relationships indicates a belief that you are unworthy of these things. It’s also a sign of depression.
My recommendation is to consult a cognitive behavioral therapist. Both your fears and your negative self-opinion are irrational. They are based on faulty thinking that is out of line with reality. Once you have corrected your thinking, and it becomes more in line with reality, you will feel better about yourself and your life.
It’s also especially important that you are in treatment because of your suicidal ideation. It’s imperative that you seek help as soon as possible.
Please be aware of the fact that all of your symptoms are correctable with therapy and medication. If you are willing to participate in therapy, there’s every reason to believe that you can overcome your fears and irrational thoughts and live a high-quality life. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle