From the U.S.: I was emotionally and psychologically abused by my family and sometimes physically, bullied throughout grade, middle and high school, raped 3 times, stalked and bullied by my second rapist who fully penetrated me at 17 and got others to bully me with him, then mobbed at a job I stayed at for 7 years.
Now I have a job where I am finally treated the way I treat others, with common respect and I have two beautiful children and a husband who stayed with me through difficult times.
I have had a lot of therapy the last 5 years but am left trying to figure why all this happened to me. I’ve lost touch with any friends I had growing up but never felt that any of them were real genuine friends anyway.
I often wonder if my husband really cares for or likes me. My kids are very sweet and kind towards me and bring a lot of joy into my life and everything would be fine if it weren’t for nightmares and thoughts related to what has happened to me in the past.
I think I hate myself because it feels like everyone hates me. I feel stupid for loving myself because I don’t believe that anyone else does either. For so many years of my life I felt that no matter what I did everyone was hateful to me. It was hard to figure out why because I do try to be nice to others unless provoked. I try to pick and choose my battles and feel there is a lot I can let roll of my back but it seems everyone hates me. The family I grew up in were hateful to me, past friends and coworkers. My husband has also said really hurtful things to me in the past until I finally put my foot down.
I just want to know if there is some way that I can be evaluated by a professional to figure out what is wrong with me and why it seems that everyone hates me. I don’t have any close girlfriends and the ones I used to have were really phoney with me. I think I’m defective and for all of this to happen to me that means there is something very wrong with me. Would like to know if there are personality tests that could assess me or if there is anyone who could give an objective perspective. I have asked my husband what is wrong with me and he says nothing except I complain to much about the past and am paranoid that he doesn’t really love me. He is the only person I talk to about this stuff besides my therapist and support groups. What is wrong with me?
It’s very important that you take this letter with you to your next therapy appointment. Your therapist needs to know that you are plagued by so many self-doubts. I’m concerned that you may not have been able to tell her. Your therapist really knows you. I only have this one email to go on. All I can do is make an educated guess.
Please do talk to her about your concerns and about what I’m going to say next: I don’t think anyone deserves to be so badly treated. The world does have some bad people in it. Once someone has been victimized, it’s harder and harder for them to fight back. Bullies look for people who are scared of bullies and keep on bullying them – which makes them all the more scared of bullies. I don’t think there is something basically wrong with you. I think you became increasingly vulnerable.
I am so very happy for you that you found someone to love who loves you back and that you now have a family. I hope you and your therapist can work together to help you accept their judgment that you are worthy of love and all the good things that are going on in your life now. You have a deep inner core of strength or you would not be where you are today. You’ve also worked very hard to heal. I encourage you to continue working with your therapist so you can get some relief from the nightmares and thoughts about the past and so that you can celebrate your present life.
I wish you well.