I have two separate issues. I was sexually abused by my biological father. I have not spent much time with him even thru childhood so this was 2 instances of abuse on one day and the next when I was 14. I have traumatic flashes sometimes. And am forced to hear about him through family as I have not told anyone. People sense tension. But till I tell them it is OK for them to take it as not so horrible.
Separately without any evidence I Feel my husband is into 3-8 year olds. i can sense him looking at them passing by with some focus . Nothing online or concrete. Help me feel lighter. I am otherwise stable responsible and successful.
I’m not sure that the two issues are separate. You were abused as a child. It makes sense that you would be hypersensitive to the possibility that a child could be abused. That doesn’t mean you are right or wrong about your husband. I don’t have enough information to make a judgment. But neither do you. He could be sexually interested in kids. But it’s also possible that he looks at kids because he is trying on what it might feel like to be a father someday.
You are successful in so many areas of your life. That is an ideal time to get some therapy for past trauma because you can work from a position of relative strength. The fact that you have traumatic flashes and that you haven’t shared what happened tells me that you have some personal work to do. Therapy can help you have a life without the tension and the uneasiness. It can also help you sort out whether you have good instincts about something amiss in your husband’s behavior or if you are over-reacting due to your own history. It’s important. Suspicion that he is a pedophile must be having a negative effect on your marriage.
You live in a city that has many therapists and mental health resources. I hope you will follow up and find a therapist who is experienced with issues of childhood sexual abuse. You deserve a life with less tension and anxiety.
I wish you well.