Ok, side note: I have depression and anxiety and take St John Wort’s. I was watching a show about a man who killed his wife just because he was sick of her and I got an image of killing my little brother, I shook it off and went to bed as per normal, the next night I got the urge and image of strangling my little brother I thought to myself “nah, I’m too lazy” a few nights later I was watching another show and this normal 16 year old killed a boy, with no reason, at dinner we were talking about how if a few of us were murdered the rest of the family would be suspects of interest, I stopped eating went upstairs and threw up everything (I have panic attacks that involve throwing up and hyperventilating) I thought about it for all of my holidays (I threw up a lot) so eventually I stopped throwing up, I suppose I got used to the thoughts, I stopped going near silas, horror movies made me feel sick, whenever I heard about a murder I check to see that they were on drugs or crazy, to check that normal people don’t kill people, but during the school holidays I became very bored and with this thought always in my mind it’s all that I thought about, I stopped wanting things (a husband, a future, to be a midwife) and I started feeling emotionally numb and thinking if my dad died of a heart attack right now, I don’t think id cry, I don’t think I love anyone, I started getting agitated really easily. I also started getting really philosophical and thinking things like “the one bag of chips in my pantry isn’t important, yet they change my future”. I still can’t stop feeling numb or being philosophical. I often question why I do anything, I have no energy, nor motivation to do anything, I’m never hungry, I just feel weird and I always have a headache. I enjoy the thought of jail, I don’t know why but I do, I think it could be because I’m deadly afraid of change it scares me, so jail = no change, schedule, but I don’t know. As if been going to school I’ve been thinking about it less, but on the bus I made myself think about it, I’m not sure if it because I’m afraid that if I stop thinking about it will forget about it and If I forget about it when I’m older I remember and kill someone, or if I don’t actual want to get rid of the thought because I want to actually kill someone. I haven’t imagined killing someone, I’m terrified that if I let myself do that I might enjoy it and want to do it. I had a random thought about “what if I want to be a serial killer and kill people” and it gave me a little fright and I nearly had a panic attack. I feel different than everyone else, I look at people and think “you don’t have these thoughts, you’re normal; you don’t consider killing people do you?” I was going to tell my mum but on the way to her room I thought “I don’t want to get better” and decided I don’t want to get help. Maybe I want to be a psycho; I nearly had a panic attack. I ask myself what killing someone would do for me. I don’t want power or money or anything like that. Before the Christmas break I was more concerned with how others felt then I was for my own feelings, I’m not violent, I was never abused, I live in a nice home, I’ve never done drugs/ alcohol. I used to want to move out but no I don’t in fear that when I’m older I’ll kill someone, I don’t want to be a midwife in fear ill want to kill someone when older. At school I look at people and think “bet they haven’t thought about this, I want to be like them, normal”. I usually have a lot of empathy for people, but now a days I am very short tempered and don’t even want help with my thoughts, sometimes I just can’t be bothered to try. Psychos think they are better than everyone else, maybe that’s what I think, and maybe I am in early stages of becoming a serial killer / killer. I often look up and read ocd hurt stories to make sure its “normal” but whenever I do something bad (sneak food, lie,) I question whether or not it’s because I’m slowly becoming a psycho. I don’t enjoy anything anymore; I want to sleep, because when I’m sleeping I don’t have these thoughts. I didn’t think about it a lot yesterday (don’t know why) and I felt kinda normal, as if I was kind of back to old me/normal me. When I think of the future I feel weird, I just see myself thinking these thoughts and living alone. I just want to know how to tell my mum without worrying her(she knows about the depression and anxiety) and I want to know what this is. Im scared that I want to do this. Thank you for your time. (age 16, from Australia)
Thank you for writing in with your question. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain so I’m glad that you are reaching out for help. The important thing is not how you ask for help, just that you do. If you don’t want to worry your mother with all the details right now you don’t have to, but you do need to let her know that your depression and anxiety are getting worse and that you want to see a professional. St. John’s Wort can be very helpful for mild depression but your symptoms are beyond that at this point. I would suggest that you see both a psychiatrist and a therapist.
You have obviously done some reading about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and fears of harming another person. On one hand educating yourself can be very helpful, but on the other, it can fuel anxiety and obsession in someone struggling with these issues. Most people that fear hurting someone else never actually do, but you ARE hurting yourself by suffering in silence. You took the first step by writing in to this forum, now it’s time to take the next step and get treatment… and stop watching crime shows.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts
