From the U.S.: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7-8 months. He is an amazing man and I am very much in love with him. He is sweet caring, hard working, and he adores me. He has one flaw, but its a huge one to me. He’s jealous and insecure.
He questions me constantly about everything, including my past. He questions me about my phone, who texts me, my phone settings. Ive even caught him on my phone once when I was sleeping. I don’t talk to any other men, they dont text me and i have no contact with any exes, I have never given him any reasons for so much suspicion.
The first 3 months of our relationship he was a total different person. He was confident supporting, focused on us and our relationship. We got along perfectly. When things got more serious his insecurities started coming out. At first I would ignore it but it got worse and I started feeling annoyed by his lack of trust. It became a huge turn off that I just couldn’t take.
He has promised me he’s going to change and that he recognizes his issues several times. He doesn’t change. We went from arguing maybe twice a week to now arguing several times every single day. I cry more often than I laugh. I’m completely turned off by his behavior. I feel lied to because he doesn’t change. I’m paranoid that he sneaks around to look through my phone, even though I have absolutely nothing to hide. I have anxiety at the thought of what is our next fight going to be about. I feel I cant do anything right in his eyes. I find myself acting different towards him, cold, distant at times. It’s hard to think about a future with someone who has destroyed my perception of the strong, confident man I thought I had.
I know I will leave him soon if he doesn’t change, but I adore him, I don’t know how to help him and I don’t know if I can. I’m not sure what to do, my temper is horrible now and I don’t treat him well. I need advice, he is a good man but this problem is destroying my inner peace. I want him to be happy what do i do?
I’m glad to see that you already know that your relationship is past saving. You can’t help him. He has serious trust issues that cause controlling and abusive behaviors. However much he means it at the time, his promises to change haven’t resulted in any positive action. You are wasting your time trying to talk, reason, or argue with him.
Run, don’t walk from this relationship before you get hurt and before you become even more distant from the self you want to be. Then please take some time to think about what you can learn from this experience so you can avoid getting involved with another insecure and controlling person. You absolutely deserve better.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
