I have a history of repeated physical abuse by my father in childhood, stimulated by minor factors like a slightly lower grade or poor handwriting. I am also unfortunate to have witnessed my father being violent to my mother and sister. All of which are imprinted in my mind and still make me cry on recollection, both my parents died of cancer in the past two years. I have always had difficulty in concentrating on studies, except , paradoxicay, while watching movies or reading noves where I lose track of the surroundings and people often have to call me repeatedly then. I have been engaged the past year to a kind hearted man, but I have a problem of being offended by the slightest comment, which makes me miserable the whole day and I yell at him or message him till he relents and apologises, sometimes even that doesnt placate me and I carry on till I really hurt him, after which I feel guilty and keep apologising. I also keep having pangs of jealousy when he talks about other women, in his work or past, even though irrational. I also have the trouble of making decisions, especially split second ones, so I’m scared to learn driving as it involves a lot of split second decisions, and often rely on others to make decisions for me, sometimes bad ones. I used to write a lot of poetry earlier, but stopped the past 3 years. I also procrastinate very badly and have a incapacitating fear of darkness that I cant explain. I feel no one understands me and have brooded over death a long time, though I havent taken active steps to end my life. I feel a lot of this is attributable to the violence encountered from my father, though I am not sure. I do not drink or smoke.
I’m sorry to hear that you have been struggling. Suicide should never be a consideration for you or for anyone. All of the problems that you have described are highly treatable with counseling. Many people have experienced or witnessed abuse as children but have recovered from their experiences. You can recover too.
You mentioned relationship problems. In all likelihood, your negative childhood experiences are impacting your current relationships. Once you recognize inappropriate behavior, you can then work to change it. Counseling could help you to make these positive changes. Perhaps your fiancรฉ would attend counseling with you, to support you and to help correct these relationship problems.
You also described experiencing fear and perhaps even depression. These problems are not something that you should accept as your reality. They are highly treatable. I would strongly encourage you to seek counseling.
Sometimes, people mistakenly believe that seeking professional help is akin to being a failure. That is simply not true. We are not born with problem-solving skills. These skills must be learned. Some people learn these skills from their parents or other role models, but not everyone has this luxury. Mental health professionals can teach us these important problem-solving skills. It’s the most efficient way to correct life problems. I hope you will consider it.
If you feel as though you might harm yourself or someone else, call emergency services. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
