From a teen in Venezuela: So, the thing is… I have occasional suicidal thoughts that kinda have been going on and off since I a child, but since I’ve been more stressed lately they’d become more frequent.
I wasn’t a depressed child (quite the contrary tbh), but I blamed myself for my parents’ constant arguing (I did till the end of middle school) and every time they fought I would wonder/believe if I hadn’t been born they would have been happy without me and I tried to smother myself a couple of time with a pillow and even more rarely would (softly) bang my head against the wall. I was scared to die and pain tbh. But this is as far as “self-harm” (if you even can call it that, that’s as far I ever went).
Since then the suicidal thoughts have been going on and off. I don’t even know when exactly I decided that that one still in-construction building would be the ideal (high enough to low chance of survival with a permanent injury which is what truly terrifies me, far enough to give a chance to regret it on your way there, and deserted enough to be left alone) (though chocking have taking more prevalence recently). At that point, I worried more about the economic consequences of having to pay for a funeral for my family if I died or the case of failing and having to ling with a chronic injury (+ having to pay hospital bill).
The thing is that despite all that It ever felt like an off-handed idea and not something I would ever actually do, but recently the suicidal thought have become more frequent.
And I know(/think?) it has something to do with the fact I’ve been stressed with the University. I feel like my life lack of direction: I not sure of what to do with it. I don’t really know if I like what I’m studying, or what I like at all for that matter. I sometimes feel like a complete failure. I was that “golden child”: good notes, good behavior, promising, but In ever feel comfortable being recognized that way because I was always low-key terrified that someday the would see what is coming to afloat today: That I’m nothing of that. That I never was. I feel like I’m regretting all my life decisions and the what-ifs are becoming more common (yohooo, mid-life crisis at 19. yey).
And I don’t feel depressed in my day-to-day life or hopeless, I’m quite the out-going, cheerful type, but I feel like the days go by in a blur. I don’t know how to express it exactly but is like there nothing noteworthy in them. I can’t even remember 90% of what I cheerfully discuss with people. Everything is just small chit-chat, but if amenable and not bad enough to justify suicidal thoughts. I don’t think I wanna kill myself, but since my life is not getting any direction and things just will be more stress in the future I’m worrying that these “casual” suicidal thoughts will become more frequent, and stop being “casual” but a thing I would rather start considering.
Sorry for the rant: I really don’t know where I’m going with this tbh. I suppose that I just wanted to let it out, at least a little of it. There’s still so much in my head, like for example the feeling that I sometimes don’t know if I genuinely sometimes feel like this or like I’m not quite right; or if I’m just being an edgy attention-craving bitch pushing these feeling onto myself because I want to make something about me noteworthy (Which is funny because this is the first time I put this in to words).
There is also sometimes the feeling that sabotaging myself. Or the feeling that I rarely can get way too hyped/excited and become loud and only loosely in control of my actions/words, that everything goes outta my mouth before it even has the chance of make a stop by the brain station.
Anyway, maybe if just that. That I’m pushing things onto myself and overthinking everything to justify the fact that I sometimes things there is something wrong with me.
Gosh, this “ask” is a mess.
Actually, it’s not a mess. It’s a good reflection of how you are feeling, which is kind of “messy”. A couple of things: First, your feelings as a child during your parents’ fights is very usual. Kids often blame themselves. It is thought that children do this in order to feel like they have some control of the situation. If they are at fault, they think, then all they have to do is be better kids and the parents will stop fighting. That isn’t the case, of course. But lots of kids think that way, at least for a while.
Casual thoughts of suicide are not uncommon at your stage of life. You are confronting lots of big, big questions and what feel like big, big decisions. It is especially common in kids who have been repeatedly told they have “great potential”. At some point, being young with potential runs out and the potential has to be realized. For many young people, that is frightening indeed. For them, thoughts of suicide are not really about wanting to die. But since they can’t find immediate answers or relief from the stress, they think about it as a way out of the situation.
I once knew a group of teens who would say “I want to kill myself” as casually as others talk about the weather. They didn’t want to die. They were expressing how overwhelming or difficult a situation might be, whether it was a major homework paper that was due, trouble with a boyfriend or a car that needed repair. The phrase shocked the adults around them but, for that group, it had become better than 4-letter words to express their frustrations and upsets.
Of course, a much better solution than threatening to jump off a building is to get some therapy if you can or to talk to someone older and wiser. A therapist can help you bring those problems and decisions down to a manageable size and can provide you with needed support while you work on them. If you can’t see a therapist, consider talking with a teacher, coach another adult you know to be a supportive helper for teens.
In the meantime, consider joining one of the forums here at LifeHelper. If you can’t find one you think is appropriate to your situation, form one. The forums are not run by professionals. People like you contribute advice and support for each other as they deal with a common problem.
I wish you well,
Dr. Marie
