From Pakistan: I am not in the habit of writing about my problems to total strangers but sometimes things become so complicated that it is much better to seek help.
I am 27 years old and to say that the concept of girl or a woman is missing from my life might be an understatement. Shy as a young boy, I found it impossible to talk to girls and belonging to a conservative family in Pakistan, that did not help, not one bit. The touch of a woman’s body was a longing that nearly made me mad. I went into depression and could not concentrate on anything.
I created a paradigm where I thought I was a moral guy and I will get the woman when I will get married (unlike the States or most countries, marriages in Pakistan are decided by elders).
I turned 27 and still, there is no chance of me getting married. I do not have any girlfriend. This made me mad, crazy and threw me into depression. My work, my daily life struggled. And I did something which I always believed to be the worst ever thing that one can do.
I ended up losing my virginity to a prostitute from Russia. The actual act was so surreal that I just cannot describe the feeling. Now instead of feeling guilty, I am feeling something else entirely. I want more. And this is making me crazy.
I need some advice on how to make rational decisions because I am losing my mind. I am acting weird, speaking weird, all is going down the drain. I want to stop and ask for help before I do something which I regret for the rest of my life.
Your advice in the matter would be highly appreciated. Have a great day.
Of course you want more. You are a healthy young man who wants love and sex in his life. There’s no shame in that. It’s regrettable that in your desperation you turned to a prostitute. But it’s not the end of the world. It’s something to learn from. As you discovered, anonymous sex isn’t what you want and need. I suggest you forgive yourself for a lapse in judgment and focus instead on what you are going to do to find the right woman.
Unfortunately, I simply don’t know enough about how young people in Pakistan meet. You indicated that your elders would ordinarily be helpful. If that is the case, why not ask the elders in your family who know you well to help you find a woman to love? Arranged marriages can and do work if there is a commitment to it from both people. It is one option to explore.
If you are more western in your thinking, then it’s time to take more responsibility for your own growth. Often people find that the best way to meet potential partners is to get involved in an activity or organization that they and other people their age care about. Working on a project together takes some of the pressure off of relating to someone who is new. Over time, friendship and sometimes romantic relationships form. Even when romance doesn’t happen, making more friends will help you meet other people — who might introduce you to others. The challenge is to get into social activities and to develop the courage to show people your good qualities.
Some people think that finding a relationship shouldn’t take work. But I don’t agree. If you were unemployed and wanted a job, you would figure out how to actively look for the job. Relationships are just as important. I think it’s fine to put the same amount of effort into finding a partner as you would if you were looking for a job.
If shyness continues to get in your way, I hope you will consider seeing a counselor to help you work on it.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
