From a woman in the U.S.: I didn’t get my first best friend till I was 19. Me an ENFP, her an INFJ. She is reserved, introverted, grew up in devout Christian family, where everything is brushed under the rug. Well off. Book smart. I was your stereotypical extrovert. Silly, spontaneous. My family is open, but loud, chaotic, and had no structure. Poor. Street smart.
I was a Pollyanna till this point, I was going through a lot. In all areas of life. And She kept giving me unsolicited and unrealistic advice. I also have severe depression. I had become negative. I’m sure I was annoying. I’m also very sensitive. Once I’m in, I’m all in.
I could feel her slipping away. Finally, we had a big fight. Both of us yelling. She called me high maintenance and my mom crazy, I did the signature enfp response, she did the signature infj door slam. I fell into a deep depression. I was suicidal. She acted like I didn’t exist, gossiped, and told lies. I’ve always suppressed my emotions, and acted like the class clown, cause that’s what i’ve learned. She was the first person I let my walls come down for. I warned her as soon I show my emotions she’ll leave. She denied it.
To be honest I never fully recovered from my problems. I have PTSD and no one to talk to about it. I know I must have been difficult, cause infjs only door slam people at last resort. But I’ve seen this girl door slam a lot, and over smaller things. I did tons and tons of research, and I knew nothing about introverts. Now I understand she just needed time to recharge. And I get my energy from talking. I didn’t understand at the time, both didn’t understand the other’s needs.
I did what I call a personality cleanse. Cultivating the good qualities I was lacking, removing the bad ones. Now I’m an ENFJ. She has started to say nice comments or like my posts. I don’t know how to feel. I love infjs, think their awesome. Think she’s awesome. I know I’m a terrible person. Now when I ask people for advice ( usually online), they say I’m crazy. I know my words are kind of everywhere, but that’s cause I can only type so many words, and there’s a lot of details. So am I crazy and/or terrible?
I don’t think you are crazy or terrible. I do think you are putting far too much pressure on one relationship. Instead of focusing so much on all the ins and outs of your friend’s and your own personality, I think you need to work on increasing your social circle. That doesn’t mean instantly finding a whole lot of new best friends. It does mean expanding your life to include a number of friendly acquaintances. Doing volunteer work, joining an activity (like a book club or a community sport team) or becoming active in a faith community, as only a few examples, will put you regularly in contact with people who share your interests. Over time, some of those people may get to know you well enough to become real friends.
Meanwhile, as you pointed out, you have some personal work to do so you aren’t so needy. You say you have PTSD and no one to talk to. Please do consider finding a therapist. Don’t assume you can’t afford it. Talk to your doctor about local options for free therapy or for a list of therapists who have a sliding fee scale.
Online forums can provide valuable support but you need face-to-face contact with other people to get the experience you need to manage face-to-face relationships.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
