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Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is now retired, but was licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specialized in couples and family therapy, as well as parent education.

How Can I Support My Mom in Making a Change?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young woman in Latvia:  I should start by saying that I have never posted a question online before. I’m usually pretty logical and level headed and can resolve issues on my own. But this one has been tormenting me and I cannot seem to figure things out.
My mother who is in her mid 50s has been teaching her entire life at one school. It’s the school me and my sister graduated from as well. Over a decade ago. But it’s what I know, what I’m familiar with.

Now my mom suddenly got an opportunity to take the same position but in a better school, and she took it. I feel like she did it without thinking things through too much (got an offer on Monday, went for an interview on Tuesday, and accepted the job on Wednesday). She never looked into changing jobs in the past.

I, of course, congratulated her and told her that she’ll do just great in a new place, but the more I think about it the more anxious I get. And it makes no sense to me. She’ll be doing what she knows best, and, clearly, she was confident about making the move.

But I keep crying hysterically because any kind of change scares me. I’m not showing this to my mom because the bottom line is that I want what’s best for her. I don’t want her to feel stressed, I don’t want her to feel regret, I don’t want her to make bad choices…

She told me that it will be extremely difficult for her to leave the school she’s has worked in for so many years, and I offered her to help her move her personal belongings but what if I’ll just break down and start crying in front of her? That will make her feel even worse, and I can’t handle it.

I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. This has been keeping me up at night, and I keep thinking about it, and I just keep thinking how I wish things could just stay the same. But that’s not going to happen. I want to support my mom in the best way. Please help me understand what is going on and how I can help my mom instead of stressing her out. Thank you in advance.

Thank you for writing. I think you already know that her choice to change jobs isn’t about you. Having raised you and your sister with the stability and consistency of being with you in the same school, she now sees an opportunity for change. My guess is that she needs to stretch herself in new ways and can’t do so in a place where expectations are that she will continue as she always has. It’s something to celebrate that she is willing to take the risk and explore something new and different.

It’s possible that you are grieving childhood’s end. Your mother’s decision to move on in her career does indicate that your childhood is over. Like most adult children, there is a part of  you that wants to hold time still; that wants nothing to change at “home” while you make all the changes. It does offer some comfort and security to think that way. But parents are people too. It’s natural for them to want to grow and change too.

I’m glad you aren’t sharing your extreme reactions with your mother. You are probably right that she needs and appreciates your support, just as you often need hers. If you can’t help her move her personal things without breaking down, maybe you should find another way to be helpful.

If this explanation isn’t enough to help you make sense of your tears, please do consider seeing a therapist for a few sessions to work it through.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Boy is an old man in a boy’s body.

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am writing to get an opinion or suggestion. I know a 10-year-old boy who lives with his mother and little sister all the time. His parents got a divorce within the last two years.

The problem:
“E” is a 10-year-old boy with a very high IQ. He is in some special classes for smart kids. He reads a lot and enjoys science shows on TV. He analyzes everything—he cannot answer a simple question, What is your favorite color?, without thinking and analyzing the question and answer.

Word association does not work either. He does not laugh and smile like most 10-year-olds. He says the kids at school act “stupid or silly” but what he describes is being kids. He is a “what if” person, worrying about things kids and sometimes adults don’t need to worry about.

Example: he won’t play video games because he is worried about the electric bill increasing. Shouldn’t he be worrying about high scores? He told me that he read if a boy rides his bike too much he might be unable to have children. What 10-year-old thinks about stuff like that? He only plays outside or with his sister every now and then. Even if his mom is acting silly he won’t join in—having a water fight with friends and sister, he would not even go outside to watch.

I know that when he is with his dad they work on the farm, and watch the news and news shows all the time. He reads consumer reports and news magazines instead of comics. He is an old man in a 10-year-old’s body. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Any suggestions? His mother and I are very worried about his behavior. Please reply with any help. Thanks a lot.

Of course, I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. But I really, really hope your friend will take her son for an evaluation. Much of what you say is consistent with Asperger Syndrome.

AS is a neurobiological disorder that is on the autism spectrum. People with AS have normal to high intelligence but often have significant difficulty with social skills and communication skills. Often they have a highly developed interest and expertise in one or more narrow and unusual topics. Sometimes they are overly sensitive to sensory stimulation. Changes in sounds, light, tastes, smells, etc can be experienced as painful.

Paradoxically, they often have a high tolerance for pain. Because these people are neurologically different, they often appear odd or eccentric to others. It’s very important for those around them to remember that their behavior is not intentional rudeness or craziness. They really do see the world differently.

There are certain parts of the world that are referred to as “Aspie colonies” by those who know and love these people. You will find a higher than expected concentration of “Aspies” in companies that develop computer programs or that involve highly technical skills, in certain departments on college campuses, among teenagers who are involved with gaming, etc.

AS is more difficult in childhood than adulthood since children can be very cruel to those they perceive as different. Aspie kids are often teased and bullied by their peers and seen as odd by adults. It is helpful to get a diagnosis because it gives the behaviors a name and provides parents and teachers with a direction for providing help and support. Please do a web search for more information and see if any of this fits the situation you described in your letter.

An important caution: I am only making a guess based on a letter. It is also possible that the boy is reacting to his parents’ divorce by trying to be his idea of the “man of the family” for his mom. Then again, it could be something else.

Of most importance is that you have a legitimate concern that this little boy is overburdened by something. Trust your instincts and encourage his mom to take him to a licensed child psychologist for an evaluation.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

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We Have No Secrets

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: My wife and I have recently discussed our past relationship histories with one another and I have found some of her confessions uncomfortable and, some of them, difficult to believe. I believe this is because male/ female experiences in love and sex can be very different. She revealed that she had been sexually abused by her first boyfriend at a very young age (13) and that he was also verbally and emotionally abusive. She was with him for 3-4 years. She then entered into a six year relationship with a guy that she also describes as emotionally abusive and, rarely, verbally as well. He also got her pregnant more than once, forcing her to have an abortion each time, and refused to wear protection. Following that, she was with another man for 1 year that appears to have been a exercise in very low standards and he cared nothing for her. She says that all of them cheated on her.

My history is that I grew up Christian and with the understanding that sex should wait until marriage. I tried to make this my life’s goal. However, I did fail and had sex twice before I met my wife (years before). My relationships prior to her were always good and caring. I have no ill feeling towards anyone I dated and would consider them healthy relationships.

As might be imagined, I have struggled simply with the idea of her being with other men and can be haunted by very unpleasant mental images. I have tried various techniques to get rid of them without success. Perhaps more troubling, though, are the things she tells me about her experiences because I struggle to believe her and think she’s lying to me. She has told me that she never enjoyed being with them in any form (physical, mental, emotional) and did not even get any physical pleasure from it. She says there was never any kissing or touching but that it was one thing, very quick, and over. She says that she would “space out” during and doesn’t have any memories of these experiences, though she does appear to recall details surrounding the experiences (where, how often). She says that she never wanted to be with them that way and that she never felt “comfortable.” She says she only did it because that is what they wanted and that would keep them from leaving.

My questions are: can a woman have sex and not enjoy it at all, including no pleasurable physical sensations, simply because she does not feel “comfortable” with her partner? Can this experience possibly have occurred every time and with different partners? Is is likely that she is minimizing these experiences to make them seem less painful/ uncomfortable for me? And, would being in an abusive relationship early in life have led to some of these behaviors and relationships?

It is not at all uncommon for a person in an abusive situation to split off from the self in order to survive it emotionally. It’s also not uncommon for people who have been abused to start to think that they aren’t worth much and that they deserve the abuse. They therefore get into one abusive relationship after another.

Your wife has done a very brave thing in sharing her story with you. She’s is showing you all of herself, probably wanting your relationship to be based on honesty. It may also mean that she has taken major steps in her own healing. She has come quite a long way in that she now loves herself enough to find a loving relationship and she is letting herself be vulnerable to you. She has taken a measure of your character and has decided you can be trusted and that you are true to your values of Christian love. I hope she is right. I hope you can focus on the present and embrace your wife’s courage and love for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Asking big, big questions

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: From a Florida teen: (This is a much-edited post.)
Hey there, A couple years ago (sometime around the summer tenth or eleventh grade) I began see an advantage to an atheist life. I’ve never pegged myself to be a guy with mental problems-but rest assured I went quite crazy at times. The biggest turning point was when the pressure of having to do what was right according to Christiantiy’s standards surrounded me, consuming everything I enjoyed sexually, or else wise. I felt this ever looming feeling of doom of the invisible force everyone calls god always breathing down my shoulder, his voice telling me everything was wrong, and everything being ripped away from me before I knew it. I decided the only way to stop such paranoia was to not believe in a god at all. With no existence of a god, there’d be no invisible forces out there.

This lifestyle switch brought on many advantages:I use to pray for things and do nothing, now I would get up and actually make them happen-discovering prayer wasn’t what got me what I wanted and not a requirement at all in the first place has moved me towards getting a lot of my goals done. The, “thank god,” aspect has completely left me. And that paranoid fear of having a talent or something tooken away from me because it’s ‘god’s not yours’ has long left me-leaving my accomplishments, abilities, and talents seeing no limit. Life is stress free not feeling like I’ll be struck by lightning for no reason, or ‘tooken away because god says it’s your time.’ Basically what I had back when I was religious was a fear of a powerful invisible force that could strike with certain disaster, or take everything away from you at any giving moment.

The problem is that I feel guilty about my decision. I loved my (step)dad-and he was quite the religious man. Buying candles, praying, and all that jazz. He died of cancer back when I was in middle school. One aspect of guilt comes from the feeling that he’d likely be very unhappy with a choice of anyone in his family to not have a belief in god. A HUGE factor of my guilt comes from my family. Every single one of them is religious (with the exception of a few more who never go to church with the exception of a wedding or two). Especially my grandma I live with. After her accident, she became interested in church again-and wanted to drag me along, having not known about my atheist urges. When it comes to her she doesn’t invite, she just says you’re going and you are. And I said, “I don’t like religion.” she goes nuts. She’s never heard about the paranoid struggles I had with it, and never wants to hear it. I was forced to go a max of a few times before she finally went on her own, I haven’t had to go back since-and she sounds quite happy, always talking to her husband (who also doesn’t go) about her experiences there. I feel (and have felt) very relieved. She hasn’t told me, but it looks like she’s accepted the fact that I’m just not a church guy from what I see.

And that’s it really-all the same stuff I mentioned before hand. I’ve discovered what secular humanism is and have been looking into it since then, and I truly believe I am the closest to a secular-humanist. I cite my reasons for an absence in a religion to be a rapidly growing lack of superstition. I don’t believe in luck, don’t think anything bad is gonna happen when I open an umbrella in doors, know black cats are cute little things, although honestly some things are still wearing off (ghosts for example are still hanging on). Religion falls in the mix-no invisible guy that there’s no psychical proof of is going to do anything to me.

But the guilt factor has shot up again. Here comes the reason for this post-the big shocker, the sole reason for all the guilt in the world from my prospective atheist lifestyle. A very good friend of my late father, and a good friend of mines gave me a medal for graduation, with the virgin Mary painted in it. “Here take this,” he says, “See that? That’s the heart of god,” he pointed to a tiny heart on the painting, “This way it will always be with you.” “This is blessed by the Pope! Don’t lose it, put it on your keys, or something, always keep it with you.” Although I wasn’t in the least bit thrilled about it, I stuck it in my pocket, and threw on a smile. The guilt of even keeping it killed me. Keeping it meant I was ready to be sucked back into that paranoid lifestyle, that all good in my life was because god and not me-meaning my life wasn’t even my life at all, and could be tooken away from me at any second, the usual unexplainable stress that asscociated me with my relgiious lifestyle. So I threw it away.

Thus comes my guilt, a friend of my father, and a man with such good intentions. The voice told me, “Someday you need to be an honest adult about your views-tell these people how you feel, be honest.”
This double-life of sorts with it’s positives have always had the negatives underlying it a step away, and they are as follows:
*My African-American descent makes me feel like I’m disagreeing with legends such as MLK, or siding with evil Atheist based organizations. I have a fear that an extreme dislike of religion would eventually consume everything I love. I felt especially a lot of guilt for the military who fight by this phrase “God Bless AMeria”. Nothing really curbs this one beyond just ignoring it, and remembering our (magnificent) founding fathers said, ‘freedom of religion’.And of course:*My deceased father-Remembering how much he loved me, and how religious he was, and all the things he did for me is the biggest factor.

Other than that, the positives are still there. But my split mind can’t help but for a split second still feel the tangs of the Dark Side in choosing a non-religious lifestyle. Philosophies and just being a good person in general have become my lifestyle. Is that enough?

Thank you if you can help me, thank you.

I’m very impressed with the complexity of your thinking. You are asking the huge questions and not settling for easy answers. This is what people your age should be doing. Any value, religious or otherwise, that is simply accepted without careful thought can’t stand up to a big challenge. So please don’t minimize what you’re doing by accusing yourself of making unnecessary “epic struggles.” These struggles are big because they are very important. You are working hard to define yourself in a way that will let you live your life with integrity.

I don’t know where you will eventually land on the question of religion or a particular religion. You have a good mind that won’t be satisfied until you’ve done more exploration. In the meantime, I see you doing your best to be a decent man who strives to take responsibility for himself while still being respectful of the people who love him. That’s something to be proud of.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How do I make my cheating boyfriend into a loving father?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I met my boyfriend almost 4yrs ago. He had just left his wife for cheating on him for the 3rd time and this time getting pregnant! Everything was going fine between us for about a year. Til things started going downhill! He lived with his stepdad and his stepdads wife. His stepdads wife’s daughter from out of town had come to visit and while she was there her and my boyfriend starting having sexual relationships. I had now known this was going on but had bad feelings about it because of the way he would act towards me everytime she would come to visit. He would tell everybody that she was his sister and that is it…come to find out that wasn’t it…she is married with 3 grown children and would come to visit when her husband was out to sea with the Navy and would leave her kids at home just to come see my boyfriend, while telling alot of people she was coming to visit her sick mother, which wasnt true!!! This went on for about 2 yrs. He confessed to me after about a yr of cheating on me but I still took him back everytime she wasnt around. Then it came to the point where she knew about me and finally called me to talk about the situation. At first she acted all concerned and caring but come to find out down the road all she wanted to do was stab me in the back and keep seeing him while still being married. Last year he and I found out we are having a baby…and he said he wanted to be with me but then went to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with her and her kids because her husband as usual was out to sea! I guess while there my boyfriend found out that he is not the only one she has been seeing behind her husbands back and come home from that trip in a rage!!! at the time we really were not boyfriend/girlfriend. But then on Christmas day he came to my house to tell me that he is totally through with her and wants to be with me and the baby as a family. I told him that is fine but it will take me a long time to trust him and believe him that he is totally through with her!!! Things have been going really good between us since we are back together and he even moved in with me! But there are times when he acts like he did when he was cheating…and I don’t know how to take those actions. I want so badly to ask him if he was sincere with his words about being through with her, but deep down I am afraid he will lie to me and say yes while in the meantime be contacting her behind my back. I really want to resolve this with him but just not sure how to bring it up without getting into an argument! We are expecting our baby in 3 months and I have told him over and over again that she will be nothing to this baby and will have nothing to do with the baby!!! He agreed with me but how do I know secretly he wont send her pictures of the baby or even contact her to tell her about the baby. And this girl has called me and told me, before my boyfriend and I got back together, that she will have rights to see this baby and I will not be able to stop her from doing so!!! And that she will buy things for this baby whether I like it or not!!! What do I do with this situation? How should I bring this up to him in hopes not to start an argument? And how will I know if he is telling me the truth and being honest with me about being through with her totally? Any help will be greatly appreciated!!!

I”m very worried that you can’t see things clearly because you are pregnant and scared. Your boyfriend only declared he was loyal to you after he found out his other girlfriend was cheating on him! The only person in this situation who is faithful and constant is you. Unfortunately, you can’t argue your boyfriend into being an honorable man and you can’t control what the other woman will try to do. She has no rights to your baby at all. Her access to the child is dependent on the baby’s father. If you don’t trust him to honor your feelings about this, I don’t know how you are going to make a family with him. It’s time to let go of the fight with these two cheaters and instead to focus on making a safe and loving home for your little one. I hope you have family and friends you can count on and who can share your joy in your baby.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Help with Sleep Problems

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am concerned because for the past few months, I feel as if I just don’t sleep what I should. I know that this is a general problem within society, but I feel something is genuinely wrong. Each night I go to bed, either early or late because I am with friends or working on school work or working and on those nights I roughly get about 3 to 4 hours of sleep, which of course is on my own doing, and then during the next day I may take a 2 to 3 hour nap and then the next night I will have trouble sleeping, which I believe is put on by the naps during the day, but I don’t always take naps. And even when I don’t hang out with friends or school and what not, and I go to bed at a decent time, I find myself consistently waking up in the middle of the night and staying up researching colleges because I have not been happy with my overall choice in schooling.

I have tried taking a small dose of melatonin vitamins, which I have still woken up in the middle of the night and have tried larger doses and sleep aides (not together, but at separate times) and I still wake up in the middle of the night doing the same things. I guess I am just genuinely concerned with my well being because each day I wake up after a few hours, exhausted whether it be my own doing or my mind constantly racing about the future and what it holds. Most of my nights are spent this way, but I do get lucky and have a few 6 to 8 hour nights of sleep. Even when I try to relax, I still mostly feel restless and like I have so much to do and I blame myself for everything if something isn’t done or it isn’t done right. Should I be concerned or is this just a long ordeal of stress?

Yes, you should be concerned. Sleep deprivation can lead to illness and bad decisions. At 19, you need 6 to 8 hours of restorative sleep every night to be at your best. But from what you told me, it makes sense that sleep aids aren’t helping. Your sleeplessness seems to be a symptom of a larger problem. You are focusing on the sleep. I’m thinking you should be focusing on what it is that is making you so anxious about your future, your schooling, and your choices. You aren’t able to shut down your worries at night so of course you can’t sleep.

I suggest you get at the root cause of your sleep problems directly. Most colleges have a career center. Please make an appointment to talk to a counselor there about your school and career choices. If there isn’t a career center, consider whether there is another resource on campus such as a counseling center or pastoral counselor. Many teachers are also happy to talk to an interested student. You might also find this article helpful.

Meanwhile, there are some things you can do about sleep. Get regular in your sleep habits. Go to bed at the same time every night. Do not let yourself take naps. Eliminate caffeine. Read and study somewhere other than in your bed. You want bed to be associated with sleep. If you can’t sleep, don’t toss and turn. It only makes a person more anxious. Instead, get up and write down your thoughts and feelings. Then go back to bed.

I think a combination of dealing with your worries directly and taking charge of your sleep hours will help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Hate My Stepdaughter

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I’m 20. I just got married but i hate my husbands daughter (4 years old). She is very spoiled and has a horrible attitude. She has extreme tantrums, doesnt listen, everytime we ask her to do something or to stop doing something she will reply by saying “no” or even yelling it.

My husband doesn’t discipline her, he doesnt spank her, never yells or tells her shes doing something wrong and the few times he does she doesnt listen and he just gives up and lets her do whatever she wants. He buys her everything she wants, he never says no to her.

She is also way too dependent on him, he cant even walk to the front lawn with out her throwing a huge tantrum, she can literally see him not leaving yet she will yell and cry. She cant fall asleep without him there; when he comes back to our room she will wake up and run to our room crying and forces herself on our bed to sleep with us. She is unbelievably disrespectful, she always answers by saying “what”, she has thrown a tantrum because she wanted a toy and when he finally gave in and gave it to her she replied with “yeah thats what I thought”.

She is so disrespectful, rude and violent. She will push and hit her 2 year old cousin, she wont share and jump on my husbands stomach, she will even smack hit him in the face.

I dont know what to do, i love my husband with all my heart but im at the point i dread when she comes over, just seeing her puts me in a bad mood. I hate seeing her, i hate when she speaks or touches me, i just hate her. I dont want to leave my husband but i dont know what to do.

Ive never been a kid person, but ive always been good with children, its just her attitude and how disrespectful, rude and needy she is.

You are talking about a 4 year old as if she is 20. She’s not. She is 4 and troubled and is doing the only thing she can do to let you know how much she is hurting. Tantrums and beligerence at her age are how kids communicate distress. She needs understanding. She needs structure and predictability. She needs a great deal of love.

Of course she is dependent on her dad. She knows he left her mother and deep inside she is afraid he will leave her, too. She needs to know that the adults in her life are trustworthy. Refusing to spank her or yell at her is a great start, but he — and you — need to know what to do instead about misbehavior.

Your problem is not with this little girl. Your problem is that you and your husband aren’t adequately prepared to be co-parents. In hindsight, it would have been helpful for you to see a parenting expert or a family therapist before you got married. But it is not too late to get your family on track.

Give up your “hatred” for this little girl and get busy. Hating her and calling her names (lazy, spoiled) won’t help. In fact, it will only make things worse. Learning some new skills will help.

Find a parent education group and/or a family therapist who can teach you and your husband how to work together as a parenting team. Your husband needs to learn how to step up to the task of being a dad. You need to learn skills for step-parenting. You both need to learn how to help the child heal and how to support each other while you do it.

While you wait for an appointment, get yourself some parenting books and do your “homework”. There are excellent books available that will help you understand your situation better and that will give you important information about how to make the three of you into a family.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Should this end or am I just being paranoid?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my boyfriend now for a little over three years. He really is a great guy. Very loving, supportive, helpful, attentive, and giving. But then we moved out of state to start a new life for ourselves, and had plans on marriage. I moved away from my entire family and moved in with his parents (BIG mistake). My boyfriend turned into a different person. He was selfish, somewhat domineering with a “my way or the highway” mentality. His family didn’t like me, and were rather nasty to me. My boyfriend had bought an engagement ring that we’d picked out, but then he returned it without telling me. I begged him to move out of his parents house with me (I couldn’t afford it on my own) but he said no, as his father told him it would be a waste of money since we were living with the parents rent free.

Finally, I decided to end the relationship. I hadn’t told him yet, but I think he knew it was coming, because the day I’d made up my mind to do it, he told me that we wanted to move back to our home state and away from his crazy parents, but that he needed to finish school first. He apologized for trying to be the “middleman”, the “go-between” for me and his family. He told me that in the process of being the monkey in the middle, he was losing the best thing he had in his life (me). I said that was fine but I was moving back immediately, but that I’d wait for him and if he actually moved back after school, things would go back to normal.

Finally, about 10 months after I moved back to our home state, my boyfriend moved back after he finished school. That was four months ago. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like things are back to normal. I don’t really think they ever will be. He talks about marriage again, saying he wants to propose as soon as I am ready. I have made it clear to him that I am absolutely NOT ready to be married or even engaged for that matter and until he hears otherwise he should not assume. We live about an hour and a half away from each other, but do see each other on the weekends. I feel that if I saw him more often than that, it would be too much. Mind you, this is a stark contrast to the way it was in the beginning. I lived with him and we got along splendidly. We seem to communicate excellently, and I absolutely trust him 100% to not cheat on me.

But I have some sort of feeling that something isn’t right. I can’t even put my finger on what it is but I feel like it’s not going to work out. One thing more of significance… A few weeks ago, we were out at a popular bar and grill enjoying drinks. It was quite crowded and we were having a great time. The conversation turned to extreme sports (which he doesn’t do and never expressed any interest in doing them), and I mentioned that I was glad he didn’t do them because I would be worried about his safety. Well, in short, he lost it. Completely. Made a fool out of himself in public, saying that I am constantly telling him what to do, that he doesn’t get to live his life the way he wants to, etc etc. Long story short, it culminated when he picked up my martini glass and slammed it on the table top to accentuate his point, and the glass shattered into a million pieces, cutting his hand.

The next day, he apologized profusely for what he’d done, said that he has no idea what he was going on about, that I do not in any way try to control his life, and that he had no idea what he was saying. I personally believe that he was releasing the feelings that he has about his father, and I just happened to be the unsuspecting victim. Point is, he’d never done anything like that before for as long as I’ve known him. But, as I found out from one of his friends whose known him longer than I have that this sort of thing has happened before. VERY rarely, but it has. With everything that’s happened in the last year and a half, and now this, my feelings of unease have hardly subsided. Otherwise, he’s still very caring, attentive, and we have a great time when we’re together.

I don’t know if you’re “paranoid” but I do know that you are wise to put off engagement and marriage until you feel more settled. Your boyfriend does seem to have some unresolved issues around feelings of being controlled. In addition, although people can and do marry in spite of parental disapproval, it does make things harder. Are his parents really “crazy” or is it possible that he is involved in some kind of tug of war with them that got taken out on you? This family let you live with them but you make no mention of what kind of relationship you forged with his mother and father. If they are potentially your in-laws, it’s important that you get to know them as individuals and come to some understanding of why they didn’t support your relationship. There may be things you can do to improve that situation.

It sounds like you have taken a step back. That’s probably smart. Be friends. Enjoy each other. Give him space to figure himself out. Get to know his folks in a new way. Then see how you feel in a few months. As he carves out an adult life for himself while living apart from his parents, you’ll get the information you need to make a good decision.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Loss of Friends and Loneliness

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Australia: Hi, I’m a 15 year old girl currently attending school everyday and doing fine with my grades. I have currently had a fallen out with most of my friends because I was standing up for a boy who they all hate. Because of this they have all decided to ignore me and act like they’re having a ‘blast’ in front of me.

The main problem is this boy who I’m really close friends with for one minute, but we continue to argue because he always twists words and gets people against other people who he hates. I’m the only one seeing his other side because I’ve experienced it myself where he has twisted my words and gotten people against me. So I tried warning my friends about him, but they didn’t care and thought he was a ‘great’ friend and then started verbally abusing me through messages on Facebook. We never say anything face to face.

Anyway, now that I have lost all my friends I’m feeling very lonely! I can’t concentrate properly in some of my classes as I’m constantly thinking about them! I’m thinking about them in the morning, recess, lunch, night, when I go to sleep and even when I wake up! I feel depressed and I don’t have a very great self-esteem now. Whenever I’m left alone in class I get anxiety (I’ve grown up with selective mutism but have recovered from it well). I even once had a panic attack and had to storm out of class before I burst into tears. My face always blushes and turns red when the teacher comes over to talk to me. I’m feeling really low and I’ve been forced to retreat to the library with one of my friend every recess and lunch time but that only makes me feel nerdy (sorry for the cliché word).

I’m just over thinking about the whole group of friends that I have lost and I feel like I’m not good enough. My self-esteem is a bit lower and I have a constant feeling of loneliness. I say every now and then to my friend I now hang out with ”My life is so sad” and ”I’m so lonely” though she tends not to reply. I just feel miserable. I’ve tried sorting out things with my closest friend that I have lost but she say’s she ”doesn’t know why she hates me”. I just don’t know what to do?

From my point of view, you are better off without this group of so-called friends. Friends don’t treat friends this way. By standing up for the boy, you were doing something honorable. You were trying to help your group be more mature. Sadly, they are more interested in being part of an immature herd than being mature individuals.

Your self-esteem does not depend on acceptance by people like that. Your self-esteem depends on whether you behave in a way that you believe is right and how you contribute to making the world a better place. Sanding up for the boy was a good start. If you want to build on that, find an activity that supports something you believe in. Participate actively. You will meet other people who share your beliefs and are willing to do something about it.

Fortunately, you have already started to find new people. Please don’t be dismissive of the person you are hanging out with. She’s a better class of friend.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Breakup with Depressed Partner

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Greece: My (ex)boyfriend and I were together for 10 months. During the first months we were very happy and he said he wanted to be with me and live with me when he finds a stable job. He is 30 but lives with his parents, something that he hates.

After 2-3 months the job contract he had was over. He started withdrawing himself and he admitted he had many problems with his life. Nevertheless he said he feels happier when he sees me.

I had a conversation with him some days after and he said he felt like I was only “his best friend” and he wasn’t sure if he was in love. I felt betrayed and we broke up. I thought about it for a day and drew the conclusion that I wanted to help him even if he saw me that way, so I suggested we get together again and face the problem and he agreed.

We went for vacations and he was really happy and said that he loved me but a month after we returned he told me it would be better to break up because he wasn’t sure about his feelings anymore and felt like he couldn’t support any relationship due to the problems he was facing. He said he needed to work things out and fix his life himself and wanted to be alone and that nothing could make him feel happy and he even wanted to die. He was feeling useless and was not sure when he was going to be ok. I tried to keep him in my life but he didn’t want that.

We met again to exchange some things. He looked really tired and admitted he hadn’t slept much but he acted very happy and was talking all the time about random things and plans for his near future. I asked him what this was all about and he answered it was “the best defense mechanism”. I asked him if he was already over me and said “not really” and looked very sad when I told him I was going for vacations with some friends.

Everything is a contradiction. I have feelings for him and don’t want to give up. I can’t eat or sleep and often have very rapid heartbeat. I don’t even know if he ever loved me.

I’m very sorry you have been so hurt. But I don’t think there are contradictions in his behavior. He has consistently told you by his behavior that he isn’t in a space to be in a relationship. I can’t answer whether he ever loved you. Only he can answer that but it isn’t a useful question to pursue with him. He certainly seems to like you, but you aren’t able or willing to leave it at that. Even if he thinks he loves you, he knows he isn’t fit to be in a committed relationship at this point in his life.

From what you wrote, it looks to me that this man is unstable in much of his life including his job, his living situation, and his relationships. I do think he made the right decision when he told you he is unable to have a serious relationship until he is able to live a more adult life. He is correct that, at 30, it’s time for him to focus on himself. He needs to solve his problems with work, his parents, and people like you who try to get close to him.

Meanwhile, I suggest you take a big step back. You have been hurt each time you have tried to help him or be more than a friend. Please make yourself available to someone who can love you and cherish you and offer you a stable relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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What do I Want?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: I was in a relationship that spanned 12 years and we were in the middle of wedding plans when I cheated. It wasn’t a one-time thing and it continued as I proceeded with the wedding plans. I eventually called off the wedding and ended the relationship with my boyfriend. I thought I had realized that we had grown apart and wanted different things. I was learning more about myself and realizing that my boyfriend was not giving me things I wanted and needed. For instance, he never made an attempt to buy my wedding band. Since we never went through an engagement where he would have given me a ring, I thought he would do this for me. I even told him which ring I wanted. I just wanted him to surprise me. That just wasn’t him. He is against all the ‘status quo’ and I realized that I was very much status quo. I also started to over think the fact that we were together for so long and never made any steps towards a future. I started to think that this relationship couldn’t be right. I also needed to believe that the only reason I could cheat is because my relationship must be wrong.

Since then I have continued the relationship with the guy I was cheating with. I put all my energy into him and gave him all of me (which I also did in my other relationship that caused me to feel lost). We have been together for over a year now and he is convinced that we will be together. Nobody knows that we are together and truthfully I wouldn’t want my ex to find out because it would hurt him. This new guy wants to move in with me since we are together and it seems to make sense. I informed him that I wasn’t ready and it has caused problems. We fight a lot and I always tell myself that I don’t really want to be with him. But, I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince myself of that or if I really feel that. I also have trust issues with him since we started by both cheating. I have checked his email accounts before and found emails to his ex stating that he misses her. When I confronted him, he admitted it was wrong and stated that he does not want to be with her. He stated that he is the one trying to move in with me. I find myself pushing him away. He is very considerate which my ex was far from but I am still sad. I’m not sure why since I do love him. I can’t tell him that I miss my ex and that I’m not sure I want to be with him because he would leave and I’m not sure what I want.

I cry daily and have to hide it. None of my friends know what I am going through since I am hiding the fact that I cheated and the fact that I’m with a new person. I miss my ex tremendously and am angry at myself for cheating and causing him so much hurt (even though he doesn’t know about the affair). I think about him everyday and want to write him and see how he feels. But I don’t know if that is the right thing to do. And I don’t want to cheat again. I don’t want to be hurtful to the new guy in my life. The last I heard, my ex still wanted to get back together with me but that was over 4 months ago and of course he didn’t know about the affair or my relationship. I am upset that I didn’t give him the chance to give me what I wanted. I’m upset that I just bailed on this very loving relationship. Since this new relationship is so much harder, all I think is that I should have tried harder the first time. I think that I’m a horrible person and can’t seem to get over my actions. I know that I tend to dwell on my mistakes but this is over a year of dwelling and sadness. I feel that it is getting worse and I’m not sure how to make it better. I have tried to contact a therapist but can’t seem to find one that my insurance will cover.

I also feel that I am too old to be going through this now. I’ve never believed that age was a big deal, but I’m starting to realize that I want a family. I want to be loved and to love. I want to be happy. Am I sabotaging myself? Why did I cheat? And do I really want my ex back? Or am I sabotaging myself again? I feel really overwhelmed and don’t know how to deal with it. Please help. I’ve written before but my email was really vague.

I did the math. You may have been with guy #1 for 12 years but you met him when you were about 16 or 17 years old. My guess is that you really did grow apart but that you didn’t have the self-esteem, or the heart, to leave a man you had virtually grown up with. You did something drastic (cheating) to push yourself out of the relationship. In my opinion, your mistake then was to attach to guy #2. You skipped over an important developmental period. Most people spend their early 20’s exploring relationships and figuring out what they do and don’t want in a partner. What you really need is some time to find out who you are separate from a relationship and to date a number of men so you can eventually make a good choice. And, by the way, a healthy relationship is one that you can share with your friends.

If you are too scared to get out into the world on your own, it might be helpful to work with a therapist for awhile. A therapist can give you some support and perhaps some practical advice as you learn more about yourself and relationships.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Please, Please Help with My Depression

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From India: hello sir/mam, I am an engineering student, it all started from diploma final year, now I have completed my diploma. I was a very funny and enjoying person, I studied very well and scored good marks. When I was in the last year of diploma, that is in 6th sem, I failed in a subject due to overconfidence, and then after everything changed, my one year was wasted and I couldn’t join engineering, in this one year I kept on thinking of my year back, I was depressed all the time, feeling lonely.

After this one year, when I came to engineering, I thought everything will change again, but because of strict college rules that I had never faced at all, I started fearing to go to college itself, I couldn’t even find any friends to support me.

I am very depressed all the time. I cry a lot day and night. I get some type of fear when I go to college. My studies pressure is killing me day by day. The anxiety is going on increasing.

I can’t tell this problem to my parents. When I said that am not able to concentrate, they said to try, but I am not able to try, I am confused the whole day, some kind of confusion keeps on going in my mind which I am not able to tolerate. When I am in a silent place where there are no sounds and just cool air, I feel calm, but when I get into public — say just in my home, just a small family talk — I can’t handle the pressure which I don’t know how to explain.

plz help me, I am done with this life. I am hating it now. I was a very good student, I got good grades in my school and even in college, now I am dying thinking what has happened to me. I am confused, I am not able to concentrate in study. I am sad the whole day from the time I wake up till I sleep. I cry a lot day and night, depressed, bottled up myself with anxiety. I am not abel to handle this plz help me. plz plz plz help me.

The pressure you are under to excel must be terrible indeed for you to be so anxious. Whether that pressure comes from yourself or your family, it is not at all helpful. It is immobilizing you. It’s no wonder that you want to isolate yourself. I’m very glad you wrote to us.

Your crisis of confidence is not at all unusual when a student who is accustomed to being the best and the brightest has a set back like the one you described. As a college professor, I’ve seen it often among students who were at the top of their class in secondary school. When they come to university they have to compete with other people who were also at the top of their classes. If the student’s self-esteem is tied too firmly to being the best, he or she is in trouble. Not everyone can be the best of the best.

One common but not at all helpful strategy for dealing with the problem is avoidance. The student preserves idea that he is the “best,” but develops depression and anxiety so he doesn’t have to prove it. Claims of “trying” are a substitute for doing.

You — and students like you — need to come to terms with the fact that you won’t always be the best. Sure, you’ll excel at some things. But if you associate with other bright people, chances are they will sometimes do better than you do. If you try new things, chances are that you will fail now and then.

It may comfort you to know that many famous people have experienced failure and have gleaned wisdom from it. Albert Einstein once said, “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” And educator John Dewey said, “Failure is instructive. The person who really thinks learns quite as much from his failures as from his successes.”

You’ve tried to manage this crisis on your own without success. I suggest you make an appointment with a counselor. Good counseling can provide you with the support you need while reconsidering your sense of yourself and re-establishing your self-esteem.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I’m Worried about Myself

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Lebanon: It has been a long period that I’ve been worried, asking constant questions to myself. First of all, I am a gay guy, at the age of 21. My life was a continuous fear of expression and exposure of my true self to the world. Ever since I knew I was gay at the age of 7 or 8, I started having irrational fears and extreme anger/irritation that dragged into all of my early adolescence. I had an extreme hate towards myself, sabotaging every artistic talent that I had, from a writing skill, a drawing skill, a beautiful voice, basically every aspect of my talent that was feminine, I hated it. I was always afraid of being judged,

I live in an eastern Arabic society, where false beliefs about homosexuality followed all my childhood and teenage years. They used to constantly talk about homosexuals as mentally ill with extreme mental and psychological disorders. I was always afraid of my image. I used to spend hours researching late at night so I can prove my sanity to myself.

I’ve always been attracted to men, and I had my first real crush/love at the age of 13. It was a one sided experience, and it was an extremely close friend. The ending traumatized me, when that person suddenly left my life. My sabotaging behavior grew and it hit me again, I started failing at school and I truly reached extremely low levels of depression and hurt. Although, I used to be one of the best students, always studying and working hard. My case started getting worse, I couldn’t talk to anyone, couldn’t tell my family about my sexual orientation and all that I needed to do was live and pass the count of days.

I am now in college, majoring in Art, after a long struggle with self sabotaging and fear of being known for who I truly am, the suffering never seemed to go away and I feel that I’ve spent my whole life hiding myself behind fear and I can’t truly remember who I am neither have a stable image of myself because I am afraid. I’ve been distant from my family, never had real friends, and my memory is always blurry when it comes to past experiences and I feel as much as I hated myself that I can’t connect with who I truly am.

My question and fear is have I developed a borderline personality or bipolar disorder since my childhood till now? Am I mentally ill, because of my constant self sabotaging and the hate towards my social image? I’ve been extremely bullied, always excluded from my surroundings, but I am now socially active, although I am suffering from anxiety, depression and lack of interest. The past two years were extremely tiring, I didn’t like anything, and had no interest in my life at all. I felt extremely ill. Is there a chance I might be mentally or psychologically well functioning?

Thank you for your time, I know some information might be missing but if I can provide you more context I would be more than glad to do so, since I know a diagnosis is not done through online questioning.

Sadly, your story is very much like the stories of many of my gay clients who grew up in a homophobic family and/or unaccepting (even hostile) community. I know it won’t fix everything but it might help you feel a bit better to understand that you are not at all alone in your struggles. Ironically, your fear, your distancing from others, and your self-sabotaging may have helped you survive through your teen years. It’s possible that you were protecting yourself by making yourself invisible and non-threatening. Unfortunately, those behaviors may have become habits that are now in your way.

But now you are 21. You are in college. I hope there are parts of your life where it is safe to claim your sexual identity and to start being your real self. It will be difficult. It’s not like you can flip a switch from being a scared kid in hiding to being a confident adult. But over time you can do it. With some professional help and support, you could do it more easily.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what resources are available in your country. You would benefit from some therapy and an LGBT support group. If that isn’t possible, a place to start is the forum for sexuality issues here at LifeHelper. I also did a little research and found that there are a number of online support groups where you can get both pracical advice and empathetic support from other gay men worldwide. I hope you will explore gaining more self-knowledge through the self-expression your art can provide for you.

I think writing to us here at LifeHelper was one of the many ways that you are coming out and coming into your self. It’s a good start. But it’s only a start. I hope you will continue to look for ways to get help and healing. You deserve it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I’m 14 and Don’t Know What’s Wrong with Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: For the past 4 years, I’ve been experiencing memories of bad stuff that’s happened as a kid. I have been bullied at school and have issues communicating with people and family. I don’t have to many friends and have a hard time talking with people. I get extremely irritated around a lot of people.

When left home alone I tend to get nervous or scared. When experiencing the flashbacks of bad memories, I cry or scream. As a kid I watched my mom get psychically attacked by my father. I tend to keep most of the stuff I saw or felt to myself.

My parents around the age of 7 got divorced. I constantly moved every two years. When I first was required to see my father, he would either drive us around drunk or leave me and my sster alone down stairs in the house.

Over the last couple of years this has been happening, anything bad that happens causes me to have a “Mental Breakdown”. When the thought of something triggers the flashbacks, I can’t control the screaming or crying. I haven’t told me parents due to the fact the might think I’m doing it for attention.

Also, when the flashbacks occurs I normally sqeeuze my head, or hit my head with my hand to try to make it stop. It doesn’t work. I’m constantly unhappy and tend to pretend I’m happy. Being around dogs tends to help calm me down. When getting in an argument with my sister, I would just walk away, trying not to start lashing out at her. I have also thought of committing suicide twice now.

Most of the time, I spend the day in my room not talking. When around people or family I don’t talk much. I also when intruppeted tend to stop talking for the rest of the day. If at school I tend to sit alone and do nothing. If you can please help me.

You’ve had a very tough up-bringing. There is no shame in having difficulty dealing with it. What you are reporting is not unusual for a kid who has witnessed violence and been bullied.

I really think you need to see a counselor. A caring counselor can help you learn how to manage the flashbacks and can teach you kinder ways to cope when you are feeling over-whelmed.

If you think your parents won’t listen to a request for counseling, you could ask another adult you trust to intercede for you. You might confide in your school guidance counselor or a teacher you trust or your doctor. That person could then help you talk to your folks.

In the meantime, when you are feeling down or scared or suicidal, please contact a counselor at the Boys Town Hotline. (Yes, they talk to girls too.) The number is 1-800-448-3000. Counselors are there 24/7 to provide help and support to teens like you. There is no charge for this service. Here’s their website: http://www.boystown.org/hotline.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My girlfriend’s son is out of control!

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have an unusual situation. I have recently started a serious relationship with an old girlfriend. She has a 5 y/o from another marriage. At any rate, she seems completely unable to discipline him in any fashion. Literally, he is housebroken and that is about the limit of his civilized behavior. Here are a few examples of what I mean:

  • He curses like a sailor
  • Grabs whatever he wants to eat of the counter and drops it on the floor
  • Sticks his hands into jars of peanut butter, cream cheese and eats it off his fingers
  • Destroys everything in the house
    • Ripped the fronts off the cabinets in the kitchen (repeatedly)
    • Takes kitchen implements and punches holes in the walls
    • Takes the garden hose and sprays it in the house
    • Smashes all his toys to bits
  • Punches, kicks, and screams at everyone
  • Defies authority all the time

Furthermore, I believe my girlfriend is the root cause of this situation for the following reasons:

  • This entire set of behavior is completely ignored by my girlfriend.
  • The child has no rules of any kind.
    • No set bedtime
    • No set mealtime, snacks whenever he wants
    • He sleeps in bed with his mother every night
    • His mother dresses him all the time and other basic “coddling”

This is shocking to me. I don’t have children of my own, but this can’t be right. My girlfriend agrees that this behavior is bad, but she does not seem to know what to do. Basically, she ignores it up to a point. Then she gets so frustrated that she loses her temper and starts a tantrum of her own.

So, I am not into corporal punishment. So, I am trying positive reinforcement and “time-out” as a negative reinforcement. So here is my problem. This child absolutely refuses to sit in the “time-out chair.” I spend hours and hours (literally) putting him in the timeout chair and he simply jumps up. Should I “lock” him in a room for his 10 minute time out? This doesn’t seem right. Do we need therapy? Do you have any advice for getting this child under control? Please, please help. We are in trouble over here!

You sure are. I can only guess that your girlfriend has been so overwhelmed that she couldn’t parent. This little boy is totally uncivilized. He’s also unhappy and angry and is showing it as only a terribly angry and hurt little boy can — by pushing the limits until someone finally has the courage to say no. Kids need structure. Intuitively they know it. They need the safety that comes with knowing that grown-ups who love them are in charge. But here’s the hard reality: As much as you would like to fix this; as much as your girlfriend would like you to fix it, you can’t do this alone. This little boy isn’t going to believe any form of discipline unless his mom is 100 percent (or at least 95 percent) behind it.

I think you and your girlfriend need more help than I can offer in a little advice column. Ask your pediatrician for a recommendation to a parent education class or to a personal parent-educator to help you both learn some skills and to give you the considerable support you will need to turn this situation around. Be prepared for a rough few months while you set new limits and teach this little boy how to be in a more loving relationship with the people who love him. As hard as it will be, it’s worth it. He’s very young. He can learn. With time and consistent attention, he can become the playful, smart little guy he was intended to be.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I can’t forget about my ex-boyfriend

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was with my ex for 5 months. It was the “first love” for me, so probably I was seeing more in that relationship than there really was. He left me for another girl a year ago. I should have stopped talking to him the same moment, but I was stupid and tried to make him come back to me. When the girl left him, I was by his side, but when he found another one I just couldn’t stand it and told him I’d rather not see him again.

I know that this sounds stupid, but my mind has no influence on how I feel. I love him, but I wasn’t worth him. Everyone was telling me that time heals the wounds, but it’s been a year and it’s only getting worse. I miss him, I cry at night because of that. I’d do anything to be with him, even for a moment, even to be able to touch him. And I know I mean nothing to him, he probably even forgot that I exist. Every time a smallest things reminds me of him I feel as if someone throw a huge, heavy stone inside of me. I can’t ever imagine being with anyone else. I know I’m broken and not worth fixing, so hoping someone could love me has no sense. I just don’t know what to do, I know nothing. For some time I wanted to kill myself, but I’m too weak.

There’s one more thing I fear. I’ve always wanted to go to Medical University, but that’s where my ex and his current girlfriend study. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to bear this if I see them together and it would be 4 years on the same university… If I run away from him, I’ll lost the last thing I want and can have. For a year I haven’t been really happy and I’m afraid I won’t be anymore. Even writing this the stupid me is crying. I just really don’t know what to do.

A; I really am sorry that you have been feeling so sad for so long. First love is often a very powerful experience. But you already know that your feelings are way out of proportion to a 5 month relationship. When someone becomes so obsessed and depressed that she can’t function, it usually means that there is more to the situation than a broken heart.

One way to figure it out is to ask yourself what you would be thinking about and doing if you were not so upset about the breakup. Is it possible that it is easier for you to maintain the upset than to face whatever it is that you should be attending to? Could it be that you are anxious about going on to university, for example? Or maybe you are so afraid to open your heart to someone again that there is a part of you that would rather be stuck than chance it.

I want to remind you that there are medical schools all over the world. If you don’t want to run into your ex at school, you could look into alternative places. There are lots of worthy men your age in your city, in your country, and in the larger world. Someone out there is looking for someone just like you. In either case (school or romance), you won’t find what you are looking for by sitting home and thinking about one failed relationship.

Most important, I don’t believe for a minute that you are “broken and not worth fixing.” Your self-esteem and self-confidence have suffered a blow but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy of attention and care. Please find a counselor to help you sort all this out and get on with your life. You deserve to be happy again.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How do I get my mother to let me date my boyfriend?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Australia: My boyfriend and I met on an online video game, we became best friends and then our relationship grew onwards, even our friends online where all betting for us to become a couple.  We facetimed etc so we knew what each other looked like.

We would talk every single day.  On a special day he asked me out, I said yes because at that point we both knew we liked each other.  We dated for 7 months secretly, cause I knew my mum doesn’t want me dating.  My boyfriend, N, helped me with all my problems, I have serve depression and anxiety, even suicidal thoughts sometimes, he got to know of all my problems and i was 100% comfortable with telling him,

he had helped me with everything, he helped me during all my trials and my emotional breakdowns and my own thinking, I hate my self turned into wow I love my self and I deserve to live.  He was the first one to actually help me and to make me believe I was beautiful, that was the first time I have believed that in my whole life, he was the only one I could talk too without being judged and I knew I could trust him.  He’s even talked me out and calmed me down from cutting.

The hardest part is that my boyfriend lives in America. He was planning to come to Australia when he turned 18. The other problem, is that I’m in a religion, which I don’t really want to be in. I feel like I’m living a life my mum wants me to live and not what I want…

after 7 months of dating one tragic thing happened and mum found out I was dating, she was livid and was yelling at me saying he was a predator and was using me and that he doesn’t love me.  She still doesn’t want me talking to him at all, but I still do secretly, I cant live without N, he’s my lifeline. and I’m his.  She banned me off my phone for 3 months, only just got it back.

I just want to tell mum that I don’t want to be religious and that I want to date N, she even told me before that if I wasn’t in the religion like my other brother, she would support my relationships even if she didn’t agree with them.  But I’m so scared to tell her, so deathly afraid.  It’s either wait till I’m 18 to tell her or get the courage now and tell her, so I can date my boyfriend again.  N told me he would wait for me in till we can date again.  We love each other way to much to let each other go, I helped him with things and he helped me.

I wish you had shared the “tragic event”. That would help me better understand your mother’s concerns. Regardless — I am concerned that this relationship is so secretive and you seem so dependent on this guy. Healthy relationships aren’t kept secret. Healthy relationships aren’t primarily based in neediness. In a healthy relationship you wouldn’t see him as the “only” one who understands you or who can help you.

Like your mother, I see some enormous red flags. N’s behavior has much in common with online predators. Your mom is trying to protect you as best she can.

Adult sexual predators do hang out in online gaming. It’s fertile territory to find teens who are insecure and who have trouble making in person friends at school or in their home community. They are particularly likely to hang out in games where team members have to develop rapport and trust in each other to work together towards goals. It’s not a big leap for a predator to move to personal messages with a needy teen and to start encouraging that person to trust him with personal issues that have nothing to do with mastering the game.

It’s possible that N is what he says he is. It’s also possible that he is an adult male who is grooming you. “Grooming” is when an adult gradually makes his way into a young person’s life and trust by listening willingly to all their problems and being exceptionally supportive, regardless of what the teen says. Slowly, steadily, a predator pulls the teen in by making the teen feel special, beautiful, and understood. Such predators are often extraordinarily patient. They can spend weeks or months on the project. Usually, they are luring more than one teen at a time.

If N is truly a teen in love with you, he would be talking directly to your mother in video calls to show her he is who he says he is. He would provide her with proof of some kind that he is in fact a teen without being defensive about it. He would be introducing you both to his family and to some of his friends. He would encourage a conversation between his parents and yours. If he immediately shuts down or distances once your mother contacts him or you ask to know his family and friends, it’s a signal that he isn’t being honest with you.

Even if N is a teen “in love”, that love may not meet either of your expectations if you meet in person. Sometimes online or on the phone conversations can be the start of something wonderful. That’s why online matching services are sometimes successful. But often enough, people are disappointed once they meet. The person they thought they knew turns out to be nice enough but not someone who makes their heart sing.

Regardless of how you feel about N, you deserve to be having fun doing things with kids your age. Even people who are in relationships still go out with friends, play in sports, are active in a club or two, and have other kids to hang out with between periods or at lunch in school. Join something at school or in your town where other kids hang out. Get out of your house and away from the computer enough to meet and spend time with other people — up close and personal. As long as you are so “romantically” involved with N that you spend so much free time online with him, you can’t meet people who will go out and have fun with you and who will love you for who you are, not just how you present yourself in writing or in game.

And, by all mean, be honest with your mom. Not telling her what you think and feel or, worse, sneaking, will only make things worse. Instead, share this letter with her and see if the two of you can make a plan for how to help her get to know N so she can see for herself who he is.

Meanwhile, the religion question is another issue entirely. It’s not at all unusual for teens to start to question the religion they were raised in. It’s an important part of growing up to examine your family’s values and beliefs. Most kids do return to their family’s beliefs but, having thoughtfully questioned them and come to their own conclusions, those beliefs are stronger than ever. The key here is thoughtful exploration, not rebellion. If your mother knew you were engaged in careful, thoughtful examination of what you believe, she might be willing to have some important conversations with you about it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I need to find a therapist, but I’m scared to call

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Back at the beginning of my sophomore year in college in 2009, I went into the counseling center at my college and started individual therapy with a therapist that was assigned to me. My sessions were fairly sporadic, and since I’m only allowed 10 per academic year, my therapist spaced them out so they would span more time. I had my final session with her back in February of this year, and I have been in group therapy this semester, but that’s an entirely different story.

I recently asked my therapist for referrals to an outside therapist where I could get more consistent and long-term treatment, rather than being so limited. She gave me several names and numbers, but I’m so scared to call anyone! I’m scared to call, but I’m also scared to ask questions. I know from researching some that I should ask some questions of a potential therapist to see if they are right for me. And I also read that it was best to do so on the phone so you don’t waste your time in an in-take session if they give cold answers. I just don’t think I’ll be able to ask questions on the phone or in person. So, my main, huge worry is that I’m not going to be able to be assertive enough to find what I need in a therapist, and I’ll get tired of jumping from one to the next, and I’ll probably end up not looking anymore.

While I was in individual therapy, I was slightly more capable of convincing myself that I was worthy of getting help for my low self-esteem and constant need for validation from everyone but myself. This feeling has lowered again, and I feel stuck, because I know I will be even more disheartened if I have a lot of trouble finding a good therapist. Nonetheless, the decision is up to me, but I have no clue how to make this work for myself. I’m just too scared, and I don’t know what to do.

I’m very proud of you for deciding to take charge of your problems and finding a therapist. As you’ve discovered, therapy really can help. I’m equally proud of you that you haven’t gotten so discouraged that you’ve given up. Instead you are asking for help, first from your therapist, then from us here at Psych Central.

Your therapist has already shown that she is willing to help you transfer. Since you like her and feel reasonably comfortable with her, I wonder if you could ask her if you could make the calls to the new therapists while in her office? She can coach you on what to say and be there as a support for you. Even if you just get to leave voicemail messages, you will have started to make contact. Yes – eventually your goal is to be able to do this for yourself. But you’re not there yet. There’s no shame in that. It’s something you know you have to work on. My guess is that if you could easily make those calls, your therapy would be close to being over. Instead, you are in the middle of the process. It’s fine to ask your current therapist to help you bridge to a new one.

Please do follow through. You’ve made such a good start. I really hope you will build on it by using the supports you have to help you transition to a new counselor.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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His wife no longer will have sex.

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. In the last 3 years of our relationship, the frequency with which we had sex tapered off very gradually; we now have had virtually no sexual contact in the last 6 months.

We have had a few bad fights — one in which we hit each other (I spent a night in prison for this). This was several months ago now, and we had virtually no sex for months leading up to this fight anyway.

I’ve been unemployed for about a year but have been steadily paying the majority of our bills from my savings and severance package; I’ve also been raising our daughter (she’s 2 1/2 years old) as my wife is working full time. I’ve had a number of job interviews and anticipate going back to work soon. Our sex problems predate me losing my job.

My wife is also 7 months pregnant (from the very last time we made love). She was in several VERY abusive relationships before we met. I get the impression her father criticized her terribly. She also was sexually assaulted 9 years ago whilst hiking by herself in a wooded area.

I know she’s not cheating — but she refuses to give a real reason why our sex life has ended. She claims to be very traumatized by the time I lost it and slapped her (very lightly, after she hit me, which I realize is inexcusable on my part) and she’s also extremely fatigued and depressed-acting. She’s also gained a fair amount of weight between 2 pregnancies and stress eating, but she won’t change her diet or exercise habits either (she seems addicted to sweets, treats, and starches).

I love her but I don’t want to live out the rest of my life this way. Should I stick around much longer? My needs aren’t even close to being met. I realize how unhappy she is but I just can’t seem to interest her in anything besides food!!

We do love each other and she breaks down in tears at the thought of me leaving her. Why is the physical part of our relationship gone? Can it be brought back? I feel so rejected, frustrated, and betrayed I’m ready to leave tomorrow, but for our kids. I’m still attracted to her, and I care about her a lot, but this just isn’t worth it anymore!!

Why oh why have you two not found yourselves a therapist? From what you’ve told me, your wife is suffering from depression and perhaps from post traumatic stress disorder. In addition to having had a critical father and several abusive relationships, she was sexually assaulted. She thought you were finally a man she could trust. Then you lost it and hit her. On top of that, she is pregnant, tired, over-worked and probably scared of the financial situation. It’s no wonder to me that she isn’t interested in being open to you sexually and is turning to comfort food instead. It’s probably all she can do to hold it together!

Meanwhile, you have troubles of your own. You’ve been unemployed. You’re watching the bank account evaporate. You have primary parenting responsibilities for a toddler and there’s a baby on the way. As frustrated as you are with your wife, you are also worried about her but have been unable to help her.

My take on the situation is this: For you, sex would be a comfort and a way to be close and to rebuild trust. For your wife, sex is yet another demand as well as a reminder of how much men have hurt her. She needs closeness and trust to be rebuilt before she can allow herself to be intimate with you again. You two need support and help to bring you back together.

Please ask your doctor, clergy person, or friends for a referral to a couples therapist. If you could solve this on your own, you would have done so already. You live in a city with many therapy centers, clinics, and therapists in private practices offer a sliding fee scale for people in financial difficulty.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My son is slipping down a black hole

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: My son is 10 years old. He had a problematic birth (had to be revived after an emergency C-section and his APGAR was low). Four years ago he was diagnosed ADD and has been on various medications (ritalin, adderol, etc.) ever since. He is also dyslexic and has exhibited low self-esteem stemming, we believe, from his difficulty in school (although he has matriculated through his academic years without failure).

Over the course of the last year he has begun exhibiting extreme emotional symptoms such as rage. He has what I call meltdowns which begin with childish behavior (whining, toddler-like temper tantrums), but which escalate into fits of “psychotic” rage.

Twice in the last week he has struck his mother (who is extraordinarily patient and loving with him) and expressed a desire to inflict bodily harm on me, not to mention telling us both he hates us and has no concern for our feelings. Invariably, he comes down from these spells, is very contrite, apologizes and seems genuinely disappointed in himself. A week of mostly good behavior during which he can be the sweetest, most loving boy (“you’re the best dad ever, pop!”) follows. But the meltdowns return, and they seem to be returning with a cyclical regularity.

I’m concerned that ADD was a misdiagnosis (the doctor who originally made the diagnosis shared anecdotes with my wife and me about his own ADD children and how drugs have helped them). I wonder if my son might be suffering from a more serious form of mental illness, and both my wife and I feel like he’s slipping down a black hole and we may never get him back if we don’t do something.
Please help.

I agree. There is more going on here than ADD. That being said, I don’t have enough information to give you a clear answer. You need to see someone who can. I suggest that you get a complete physical workup on your son and that you get a referral to both a neurologist and a child psychologist. Since he had to be revived after birth, there is a possibility that there was some brain damage that is not yet understood. Often children with some organic brain damage seem to get “worse” as they get older. This is because the academic and social demands get progressively more intense. It’s as if they hold it together as long as they can, then get exhausted and pop. He can’t help himself. A clue that this may be the case is that he doesn’t like what he is doing either.

Another possibility is that there may be what are called “absence seizures.” These are seizures that can’t be readily observed but are nonetheless affecting his behavior.

If he is medically and neurologically fine, I would then take him to a child psychologist for some testing. The psychologist will probably ask you and your wife to keep some detailed charts of your son’s behavior, especially since you have an idea that there is a cyclical dimension to it. By keeping careful data of when the tantrums happen, what they look like, what happens before and after each one, and how long they last, you may see some patterns that will help pin down a diagnosis.

Please don’t wait any longer to get these evaluations done. At 10, your son still wants your approval. This is the time to intensify your efforts to get a good diagnosis and appropriate treatment so that your son can be at his best and so that you can all enjoy each other as a family.

I wish you all well.
Dr. Marie

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