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Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is now retired, but was licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specialized in couples and family therapy, as well as parent education.

Is My Boyfriend Trying to Break Me Down?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From France: Hello! I’m a 23 year old girl and I have been seeing a 26 year old guy for about 6 months now and we have been a couple for about 4 months. In the beginning I wasn’t really interested in him, I was a bit skeptic about him and as shallow as I can be I didn’t find him very handsome at first. It automatically put me in a more dominant position. I warned him I don’t feel the same like he feels for me but that we have fun together, we click and I enjoy spending time with him. He did most of the effort to be with me, I kept my mind open about him and our relationship developed to something deeper and now I love him and we make a great team.

There is only one problem is that my self-esteem has really gone down since we got together. When we have been vulnerable with each other and talked about our problems in the mind etc. he can be telling me things like I don’t really know who I am, I don’t really want to do what I’m doing in life that I’m lost, that I have split personality.

Never in my life before I met him have I ever felt any of those things and now I kind of do. I do know deep down that the things he is saying are not really true, I’m incredible happy to run a growing business with my mom, the business is one of the things I’m most proud of, having the opportunity to work with home decoration, fashion, modeling and all the other aspects of running a business is a true blessing! I know I’m very strong and I usually have a deep sense of self and direction. Lately I feel more submissive with him and like I lost my power.

My reaction to his comments is anger, I’m angry because he is partly right about what he is saying and I’m angry with him because I believe he is trying to break me down. I told him all that I believe he is doing that but he is telling me that he is trying to make me stronger when all I have gotten is weaker.

My boyfriend has a very strong personality, he can talk his way to anything and has great self-esteem. If we can find a way it would be great! I don’t know what to do. I love challenges so maybe I could learn how to deal with him and put us in a more equal position where we can look up to each other and make each other stronger “in the right way” also we can help each others careers out. He can help me with my business and I can help him start his career. Or should I just leave him?

You are right to be angry! I don’t agree that your boyfriend has great self-esteem. From what you say, he needs to dominate you in order to feel okay. It looks to me that he found your initial lack of interest to be a challenge. Now that you’ve fallen in love, he is gaslighting you.

Sometimes when we ask a question, we already have the answer. You want to know whether to leave him? Think about this: You are happy with yourself and your life except when he “helps” you. You aren’t feeling stronger from your interactions. You are feeling weaker.

On the basis of what you’ve said in the letter, I think you should take a huge step back. You deserve to find someone who is your greatest and most loving fan, not your critic.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Am Losing My Emotion

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: Over the last two years I’ve lost emotion and I live in a fog. When I think about what’s wrong with me I can’t think at all. Typing this out in struggling because I can’t even function. I can’t get it right.

I no longer feel empathy or sympathy. I don’t care for people older than 11, when something bad happens to them I feel like they deserve it. When someone dies I do not care, I actually hope for people to die if they’re guilty or bad (explained later). I often feel like people around me are also robots, like they aren’t real. I feel like the world around me is all a dream that I’m creating. As if past some area the world like a big white room because my brain hasn’t made that area yet.

When I’m irritated or angry, become very sadistic. I think and plan out ways I could torture that person. I imagine cutting them and watching the blood. But I only feel that way towards alcoholics, drug users, parents that abuse their children and killers. The main person I want to hurt being my mother. I only feel for my brother, best friend and uncles, no one else and animals. I often have to fake all of my emotions with people. I also feel death should be a happy moment, an escape from this hell hole earth.

Some background being: I was sexually abused at 5 and never told my mother until 14 which caused her to drink heavier. I got a concussion in 1st grade which caused stuttering and reoccurring headaches later having several other injuries some which were forced for attention. My stuttering has suddenly come back 9 months ago but it isn’t as bad. Before those nine months homicidal thoughts have increased and later found a steady pace only occurring when angry or with unliked people.

I’ve been to 7 schools and have no friends besides the few online. I’m good in school, I easily make friends. I have a history of depression as well as suicide attempts and self harm between ages 13 and 14. I was bullied in elementary and middle school.
And I’m vegan

I don’t want to hurt people, at all. But I need to know what may possibly be wrong so I can go seek help.

I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. But I can give you some direction. First, it’s possible that you have unresolved trauma. You are distancing yourself from most feelings, the exception being extreme anger and homicidal thinking. You have a history of depression and self-harm. These thoughts and behaviors are typical of a kid who has a history of abuse.

You wrote that you tried to keep the abuse to yourself for years. When you shared the information, your mother started drinking more heavily, which certainly didn’t help you. You may have even felt guilty for bringing it up. You needed help, not another problem. If you didn’t get into therapy then, you owe it to yourself to find a therapist now who can help you work through the abuse so you can regain your trust and connection with more people.

You also mentioned that you had a concussion. Although most people recover within months, some people do develop post-concussion syndrome (PCS) with symptoms that last longer. Post-concussion syndrome can include physical, cognitive, and emotional problems. If you haven’t had a visit with a neurologist, I think it would be wise.

Changing schools so often hasn’t helped your stability either. You haven’t had the chance to develop the kind of long-term friends who can be there for each other when things are rough. You didn’t say why you’ve moved schools so often. I hope you are finally settled for awhile. The good news is that in only a couple of years, you may be able to leave for college and stay put for 4 years. I hope you are doing what you need to do to make that possible.

You haven’t had the adult support and direction you’ve needed. You are old enough now to seek it out for yourself. Talk to your guidance counselor about whether there are any free clinics for teens in your area. In the meantime, if you need to talk to someone, you can always call the Boys Town hotline. Don’t be put off by the name. Counselors there talk to girls too. Trained counselors are available 24/7 to talk by phone or chat online. It’s free and confidential. Here’s the website:
http://www.boystown.org/hotline/Pages/default.aspx.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Dad Has Developed Weird Patterns

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My father’s mental health has been deteriorating lately. No one in the family talks to him except me and my little sister (10). He went from this quiet guy when I was growing up to someone who isn’t afraid to voice his opinion. Which wouldn’t be so bad, if his opinion made sense. He has this obsession with rhyming all the time. He thinks it’s funny. It’s not. And he does it all the time. He thinks its so good, it’ll be the hottest thing to hit Vegas. For Example: (If you don’t read all of it, I don’t blame you.)

“I will be like a hot potato on fire and when I start there will be no slowing me down and I will touch the ground my ass will get the cash as I smoke the grass in a mad dash so I will not get a rash kiss the monkey in the mouth as you chase the monkey down south punk will suck then he must f– till 1 oclock then he will catch the truck to get a fucking ugly duck then they will be out of luck and out of their mind as they get a dirty behind then they will resign”

I feel bad for him. He has no one in his life besides me, my sister, and whoever he sees behind a cash register.

While I’m out here trying to live my life, I also cannot post anything on facebook and socialize with my friends because my comment section becomes his comedy hour.

I don’t want him to feel cut off from my life, but I also cannot tolerate this any longer. What do I do?

You are right to be concerned. The fact that this is new behavior is a red flag that something is seriously wrong. He shouldn’t have to deteriorate more before something is done. You, and especially your little sister, shouldn’t have to put up with this.

You didn’t mention what your mother is doing in response to this behavior. If she is in the picture, she is probably in a better position to get your dad to the right help than you are. If she is not available, then please enlist the aid of someone your dad respects to help you take the steps that need to be taken.

He needs to see a doctor. He needs a complete physical check up to determine if there is an undiagnosed medical problem. A heart condition, a thyroid problem, even some vitamin deficiencies (to mention a few possibilities) can cause this kind of erratic behavior and irrational thinking.

If he is medically fine, then the family needs to get him to a mental health professional. I don’t have enough information to make a diagnosis, of course. But an interview with a professional will help determine whether there is a mental health issue.

Your father is a lucky man to have such a caring son. Trust your good instincts and do what you can to get him the help he needs.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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If I Share with My Therapist, Will I Be Locked Up?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the UK: i have this problem that i have been dealing with for 1 year now and it has not worsened and during times when i am occupied with my education or work it seems to get better (and basically stop). I see things in my peripheral vision for a split second and then they disappear. I dont know what it is that i actually see and its different every time and i am not saying this in the sense that i cant describe what i saw but in the sense that i actually do not know as it was my periphary or an area in my feild of vision where i was not focusing.

The problem is that whatever i see it doesnt appear as real as this laptop with which im typing this post so in essence i dont see it as real as reality and i know it isnt real. But at the same time it feels like this is more then just a figment of my imagination because in my periphery for a split second i did see something.

This internal conflict is eating away at me and i have been taking antidepressants for more than 6 months and have currently started getting therapy as well. I am afraid to bring up this topic to my therapist in detail because i feel like i will be locked up in a mental facility and i have no idea what to do about this. i went to my GP and described this only to be dismissed as having a vivid imagination and that if i really had schizophreina then i wouldnt have the insight to be having this conversation.

I suffer from anxiety and the antidepressnts have really helped but never the less i would like to know what would be the actual medical term for this phenomena that i am experiencing. this phenoma also happens when i switch my feild of vision such as blinking and turning my head. In most cases it seems like a shadow or somethng dark. I dont know how to actually describe it because i dont really know myself. All i know is that during this phenomena i do not see whatever i see as vividly as real objects around me but at the same time it feels too real than just my imagination and in my memory it does seem real.

Please do talk to your therapist about this. It’s not likely you’ll be “locked up”. You aren’t threatening to hurt yourself or others. You are functioning in your daily life. Your therapist is an important support and resource for you but a professional can only do their job if they know what is troubling you.

One of the first questions I would ask you if you were my patient is how much sleep you are getting. What you are describing is sometimes a consequence of disturbed sleep patterns or not getting enough hours of sleep. If that’s the case, the “fix” is to deal with that directly.

Then again, it may be a symptom of your depression or stress or something else. Your therapist will help you figure it out and what to do about it.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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Fighting Hypothyroidism

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the UK: I’m a 28 year year old female suffering from Hypothyroidism. I am really down because I am really overweight and when I’m down like this, I just comfort eat. This causes me to feel even more down so then I just eat again. It’s like a vicious cycle. I’m single and I’ve had a string of bad relationships in the past — my last boyfriend always pushed me to be a size zero and never accepted me for who I was. I have no self-confidence, I hate looking in the mirror and I hate who I have become. I feel ugly. I carry my gym kit with me to work with the intention of working out but by the end of the day, I have depleted energy and I just want to sleep. I want to take control of my life and stop eating to fill my sorrow. Right now, I have no control. Please help me.

I hope you are being treated for the hypothyroidism. There is no need to “suffer” from it. There are medications that can bring it under control. Once you are taking the right medication, you are still going to have to confront the task of losing the weight you’ve gained. It’s not easy but it’s not impossible either.

If you wait until you have a healthier self-esteem to work on your goal of losing weight, you may never get there. Self esteem isn’t necessary to be successful. Rather, it comes from being successful at something you want to do.

If you want to take control, the best way to go about it is with others who are engaged in the same project. You need the support and practical help that can come from a group. Such programs as Weight Watchers and Over-eaters Anonymous are very successful because they provide both. (This is not to be understood as an endorsement of either program, only as examples. I’m sure there are other effective programs as well.)

Too shy for a group? Then find a “buddy” — someone else who has significant weight to lose and is willing to meet daily so you can monitor and encourage each other. You can do this in person or online. There’s nothing so supportive as talking with someone else who “gets it” and who is as committed to the project as you are.

Other hints I can offer:

  • Set reasonable intermediate goals. Rather than setting a goal to lose 50 pounds, aim for losing 1.5 pounds this week. Success tends to build on success.
  • Write down everything that goes in your mouth. There has been some research that shows that just writing a food diary helps people lose the weight. Writing it down before putting something in the mouth gives you time to think about what you are doing — so maybe you will change your mind.
  • Plan your menu for the next day the night before. Carefully write out what you plan to eat and when. Then you won’t be confronted with impulsive decisions.
  • Build snacking on healthy foods into your diet so you don’t feel hungry and deprived. Make sure you include plenty of fruit and veggies.
  • Make sure you get enough sleep. Often people who are tired eat to get an energy boost.
  • Make sure you are hydrated. Often people mistake thirst for hunger.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Intense social phobia

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have always had friends perhaps not many but I always had a few good friends. I have always been socially awkward and had to ‘role play’ and pretend to be someone else in order to get by in social situations. I can pinpoint the time I lost my friends, it was about a month after I was mugged at knife point. I was working security and was to ashamed of myself for not being stronger to face my work friends. I was in school at the time 3 classes away from finishing with a 4.0 for guess what as a major in criminal justice. I withdrew from my school friends and from school all together, my gpa dropped and I couldn’t face my friends feeling like I should have been smart enough to keep something like that from happening. I had friends not in school but I stopped hanging out with them since we normally met after dark and I was afraid to go out at night. I used to go out to them and have tables next to known gang members.

After I left that job I got a nice office job and had a few friends all work but me and one girl hung out all the time. Soon as I moved out of state I lost touch with her completely clean break from all of them. Since then the only friends I made was from on-line, world of warcraft, and online rpgs. I realize they aren’t real friends they don’t really care about me. Soon as any of them get too close I just cut them off and leave.

This has become a real problem while looking for a job and have no real personal contacts. Also have asperger syndrome, had it managed for awhile but think I can’t manage it like I used to.

I’m so, so sorry you didn’t get the help you needed right after the mugging. You couldn’t know that you were experiencing an absolutely normal reaction to an abnormal situation so you hid in shame. The mugging traumatized you and made you feel like the world is unsafe. As an Aspie, you have difficulty negotiating social situations as it is. Since the assault, the social skills you worked so hard to develop got overwhelmed by your fears that something bad could happen again. Of course there are no guarantees but as you’ve found out, living in fear and isolation isn’t a solution.

The mugger stole more than your wallet. He stole you college education, your social life, and your self-confidence. Personally, I hate to see the bad guys win like this. It’s time you got angry! Your best revenge is to go back to school, get that degree, and help make sure that others don’t go through the years of pain and shame you’ve experienced. I know it sounds hard. It is hard. But it isn’t impossible. With some support from a therapist who specializes in trauma you can do it. Be sure to let your therapist know that you also have AS so that the two of you can sort out what part of the problem is trauma-based and what part is a function of being on the spectrum. If you need added encouragement, use your online skills to help you find a support group with other victims of violence.

Please follow through and get the help you need. You once were on track to having the life you want. With support and personal effort you can get back to building the life you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Mom is Being Unreasonable

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 12 and my mom always picking fights and she yells at me at least once a day. She also makes me do all the chores in the house. If it helps, my mom’s mom died when my mom was only 11. Then she had to live with my grandpa, who she says was mean to her but my grandpa’s always been nice to me. She always says she’s the parent and I’m the kid and I have to do what she says or else. Whenever I try to solve a problem or talk things out, she goes completely crazy and starts talking about how I can’t tell her what to do, even if all I say is “Can you please not yell?”. She always threatens me about cutting off my hair or recently she’s been saying she’ll take away all my clothes and buy me ugly clothes to wear for the rest of the school year. Whenever I start to cry she’ll say to stop crying or she’ll smack me. Also, it doesn’t matter what I say, if it’s nice or not, she’ll say “don’t talk back to me” after she’s done yelling. And then she’ll go on and on about how all she ever is is nice and all I do is pick fights and talk back. I never pick fights though, I try and stay away from them. I just don’t know what to do.

You’re right. Your mom is completely unreasonable. My only guess is that since she lost her mom when she was your age, she has no idea how to be a mother to a young girl. It also sounds like maybe she is scared of what’s going to happen now that you are approaching your teens. Many parents don’t know how to handle it when their daughter starts to look and act more like a young adult woman. They try to “protect” their daughter by making her look ugly and limiting where she can do and what she can do. It doesn’t work, of course. It only makes the daughter resent the parent.

The yelling and fighting have to stop. You have six more years before you will be old enough to leave home and take care of yourself. You’ve tried to talk with her and it isn’t working. I think you need to reach for some help from another adult. You didn’t mention if your dad is in the picture. If so, that may be the place to start. If not, think about another adult you trust who would be able to help you and your mom talk about how to have a better relationship through your teen years. That might be a trusted teacher, a school counselor, even your doctor. You need someone who isn’t going to just blame and shame your mom but who can offer your mom some support and help. (It doesn’t sound like your grandpa is the right person since she says he’s been mean to her.) You can’t do this alone.

If you want someone to talk to as you work on this, I suggest you call the Boys and Girls Town Hotline. There are counselors available 24/7 to talk to kids like you who are having troubles and don’t know where to turn. The calls are confidential and free. The phone number is 800-448-3000. Please give them a call. They may have other suggestions for you. They can certainly give you some support.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How do I help my daughter?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

When our son was 14, my husband caught him inappropriately touching his 9 year old sister in the pool. My husband held our son’s head under water until he thrashed for air. Our daughter witnessed this. Our son was told that if he EVER touched his sister again, his father would drown him.

I was beside myself when I found out and wanted to take our son to a psychiatrist, but my husband (who has since died) told me that boys are naturally curious about girls and that he knew somthing like that would never happen again. I believed him.

Fast-forward twenty years.

Following her father’s death, my daughter confided in me that her brother had continued to abuse her until he was 17. He would put a plastic bag over his head and threaten to suffocate himself if she didn’t allow him to touch her.

When my husband and I used to go out and leave the kids (now in their teens) alone, she would beg us not to leave her with our son, but she never told us why, only that they would fight and he would ‘pick on her.” Now that I know what really went on, I feel like I have failed her as a mother. What I thought was the usual sibling drama turned out to be a horrible nightmare for my child. I cannot believe that we were so blind to this.

My daughter had herself admitted to a hospital for three months due to suicidal thoughts and is still working with a therapist. She continues to cut herself, and all of the psychologists who have worked with her believe there is still an incident that she is repressing. She swears that she can’t remember it, but she is terrified (her words) of being hypotized.

I am angry with my son. I want to call him and confront him. My daughter forbids me to do so, but she refuses to do it herself. She no longer wishes to speak to her brother. Since she made this decisiion within the past two years, he doesn’t have a clue why she no longer wants to have any contact with him or her nieces and nephew.

He and his wife have three children, two of which are girls (5 and 14). Are those girls in any danger of being abused by their father or their brother (who is five-years older than his younger sister)?

What can I do to help my daughter? I love both of my children, but I am so angry with my son that I can hardly bear communicating with him. What should I do?

What a tragic situation! Your husband’s actions may have caused your son to develop a paraphilia called erotic asphyxia. Sexual arousal is heightened by cutting off oxygen to the brain. It’s a dangerous practice because people sometimes wait too long to give themselves air and then suffocate. Some teens stop doing this when they realize the risks. Others don’t and develop a lifelong compulsion.

I hesitate to comment on the counselors’ approach with your daughter since I know so little about the case. Generally, however, I don’t think it’s important that abuse survivors remember every incident in order to heal. Further, hypnosis sometimes yields “false positives.” To my thinking, your daughter remembers quite enough. She knows she both witnessed abuse and was herself abused and scared. She is getting support for her feelings and, hopefully, she is learning to manage them so she no longer hurts herself.

What complicates an already painful situation is that your daughter isn’t the only victim. It’s important to remember that you and your son are victims too. Your husband’s idea of discipline was to make your son believe he was drowning and to threaten more of the same. You are also a victim of that incident. You are feeling terrible that you didn’t see what was going on at the time and now feel torn between the two adult children you love.

For these reasons, I think this is a family case. I think it would help all three of you to see a family therapist to help you acknowledge the pain of that chapter in your lives and to have a place to work through the feelings of anger, guilt, betrayal, and fear that now get in the way of your relationships with each other. My guess is that you all have unresolved feelings about your husband/their father as well.

As for whether your son’s children are at risk: The only way to know is to ask your son. Sometimes abused kids work extra hard to be sure that their own children never suffer as they did. Sadly, others repeat what was done to them, partly because normalizing the behavior of the abuser is the way they make some kind of sense about what happened to them. This is yet another issue that could be addressed in family therapy.

Your daughter’s counselors, of course, have had the opportunity to get to know your daughter. I’m limited to the information I have in your letter. I therefore encourage you and your daughter to talk with her counselors about what they think about expanding her treatment to include some family work.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Pregnant and Feeling Useless

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I lost my job last September and haven’t had one since. I was enjoying the time off for a while, but then found out I was pregnant a few months later. I didn’t resume looking for work because my pregnancy has been considered high-risk due to previous miscarriages. I did not want to jeopardize this pregnancy by working. My boyfriend and I lost our house b/c it was in serious disrepair and we are now staying with my boyfriend’s uncle in a 1 bedroom house. I don’t have my car b/c it won’t pass inspection and we don’t have the money to get it fixed. My boyfriend works all day almost every day and hates it. I sit at home and do nothing. He hates that too, and so do I. It causes arguments between us and I feel so tense all the time, like I should be doing something, but I have no clue what to do with myself. I feel expected to do things, but without being able to work, I feel incredibly unproductive and useless. Can you provide helpful suggestions for overcoming this situation? I’m worried that it will ruin my relationship eventually.

At 23, you have more troubles than anyone should at any age. I’m so very sorry. I hope you and your boyfriend and the uncle all agree that the most important thing you can do right now is take care of yourself so you will have a healthy baby. It may seem like the pregnancy is lasting forever but it will end. That I can promise. In the meantime, there are things you can do to contribute to the family and to get ready for the next stage in your lives.

Your boyfriend works all day so doesn’t have the time, especially in business hours, to look for the practical help that may be available for you. You wrote to us so either you have a computer or you use one at the library. Go online and look into such help as fuel assistance, food stamps, and rent subsidies. Find out if you are eligible to use the local food pantry. Look into what kind of medical care is available for you and the coming baby. In short, find out what your community offers people like yourselves who are in a bad way through no fault of their own. The economy has put lots of people in the same boat. You may find that there is more help out there than you think.

In addition, you could go online and take some online classes in order to improve your skills so you are more employable once the baby is born. You don’t need to spend thousands on college courses. Anything that adds to your knowledge about your field of work will help you build a more impressive resume. Just type “free online courses” in the search box of your browser and you’ll find hundreds of interesting classes.

If your computer skills aren’t the best, put in some time to practice such things as using the basic Microsoft Office programs and Photoshop. Having more skills may help you get a better job when you are ready to do so. In addition, look into whether your community has free classes you can take.

You may be “benched” while you wait for your baby but even people on the bench can help improve the team’s situation or better themselves. Schedule part of every day to be productive and you will both make a contribution and feel better about yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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11 years old and in distress

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

what is wrong with me? i think it might be ocd but im not sure. i have a fear of going outside in my yard to the point where im almost housebound. the only places i can go out is in an completely enclosed area w a fence. i also have a big fear of being thought of as weak or stupid by strangers and try my best to make a “good impression” and i do not like being around the opposite sex. i am like completely obsessed w this girl i do not even know and i think about her way too much. thinking about her causes a lot of jealousy becouse she likes someone else. i was recently in a store and just went kind if crazy i held on to the cart and said to my family “do not touch the cart or anything in it” i did not want them to touch it because i imagined two levels of use on either side of the cart and i had to have them even for some reason. i had to tap both sides and rock the cart to get it even. it made me very angry when people touched it. it caused me a lot of anxiety. i am an aspiring artist and musician but sometimes i worry that my work will never get discovered and i doubt myself a lot. i am only in 6th grade but sometimes i think about suicide. my parents say just to get over it but i cant. i often fight w my mom. she does not believe me. i also have sexual images and religious images that cause me a lot of stress. i say the same prayer every night and if i dont i think someting bad will happen. i cannot look at or have anything to do w certain numbers and im obsessed w the number 3. i say things 3 times to make somw thoughts go away. i hate being 11 and hate being around people who are older than me even only by a year. i wish it would all stop and would like an answer. what is wrong with me?!

I’m very glad you wrote. And I’m very sorry that life is so hard for you right now. You are obviously a particularly smart and thoughtful guy. Your letter reads like someone much older. I hope you can use those smarts to learn ways to help yourself.

Here’s what I think: You are mixing up some stuff that is very normal (being obsessed with the girl, being worried that your work isn’t good enough, fighting with mom) with things that maybe aren’t (needing things to be completely even, upset by numbers, thinking something bad will happen if you don’t say exactly the same prayer). That adds a lot to your distress. Not that normal teen stuff isn’t stressful. It just helps sometimes to know that you’re dealing with the same stuff as the next guy.

As for the other stuff: I can’t give you a final answer type diagnosis on the basis of a letter, of course. But I can tell you that the things that are most distressing are possibly symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). If you do have OCD, it makes sense that ordinary teen issues are getting inflated to the point where they can feel unbearable. And it makes sense that you have trouble being around other people and in places where you don’t feel safe.

The good news is that OCD is treatable. There are medications that tone it down. And some talk therapy will help you learn how to manage it. Furthermore, many people “outgrow” it during their teens and early 20s.

Please talk to your mother about making an appointment for you to see a mental health professional to get a complete evaluation. Perhaps showing her this letter will help. There is no need to go through your teens with this kind of inner stress. A counselor can refer you to a prescriber for medication and can help you and your parents learn some practical strategies to help you take charge of the obsessions and compulsions.

Meanwhile, if you ever have those suicidal thoughts again, please keep this number handy: 800-448-3000. That’s the Boys Town National Hotline. There are counselors there 24/7 who will talk to any young person who is in distress.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is it okay to seek emotional intimacy outside my marriage?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Recently I have been suffering from moderate depression and what might be characterized by a mid-life crisis. I’m just feeling like the life I’ve built no longer seems to fit my needs, that some of my core beliefs have been challenged and I am now going through the process of evaluation. I am not satisfied with my career progress or lack thereof. I am not satisfied with my marriage and in general just am not happy with life. I know that I am the one in control of my personal happiness so I have been searching for ways to improve myself, my attitude, and my awareness of what I need. However this quest has lead to some confusion and the question of appropriate boundaries of marriage.

I’m finding myself drawn to explore my religious beliefs, my philosophical beliefs, my emotional needs. My husband is not interested in sharing in this exploration. We have never been emotionally intimate and over the past few years have simply grown to be different people. At this point I am totally confused about what I want or need, so I am not ready to disrupt my family to pursue the unknown. However, I really want to engage in self exploration and interact with people on a deeper level. My question for you is, Is it OK to seek emotional intimacy outside your marriage. I know physical intimacy outside of marriage is unacceptable but what about fulling your emotional needs to with others who are more interested sharing and exploring what makes them tick.

As you know, it’s not at all unusual for people in their 40s to re-evaluate their lives. It’s a time for recommitting to our life-course or considering changes and whether we are willing to take the risks that such changes involve. For most of us, any change we consider will have impact on people around us. The potential consequences of our choices are part of the equation.

Every marriage has its “contract” about what is and isn’t okay; what behavior is kept only inside the circle of the marriage and what isn’t. To unilaterally change the terms is a violation of that contract and a betrayal of trust.

Many married couples have vastly different interests, different friends, and different religious and philosophical beliefs. They see those differences as what makes their marriage interesting and rich. Married people can agree to support each other in seeking certain kinds of intimacy elsewhere. Explicit or tacit but clear agreement is the key to the stability of the marriage. It’s secrets and lies that shatter the foundation of the relationship and emotionally wounds the other person.

You are asking the wrong person about what is acceptable for your marriage. You need to be asking your husband. My hope is that you and your husband will take some time at this point in your lives to really talk about how to pursue getting both of your needs met while still sustaining a long marriage. You have already shared a major part of your adult lives together. My bias is that it’s worth it to at least make the effort to see if you can make it work for the long haul.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My stepson hates me!

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My stepson is 10 years old and my step daughter is 4. The girl and I are very close, she receives discipline for anything she does wrong though. By me and/or her father. The boy on the other hand hates me. He always askes why I am here, that things were better before I came around. Well now I feel like that. What am I here for to be hated? The boy has been in trouble at school and at home. He hits things, he yells, talks back, talks very hateful to everyone including his sister. He constantly puts up a fight for everything. Taking a bath and getting him in the bed takes nearly 4-5 hours. It is ridiculous. He talks so horrible to me it makes me cry. The father and I constantly fight because he doesn’t discipline him but he does the girl. I am at the end of my wits. Every day is miserable. The mother too is fed up and doesn’t even want to see him because he acts so horrible. I can’t even take him to a store. I try to discipline him but his dad lets him off and soon as he gets home. This makes the stepson hate me worse. What can I do? How can I discipline him or talk to the dad? I am just ready to leave. I love kids, but this drives me crazy. I need him to be disciplined as equally as his sister is. How can I make this happen? Please help me! (The boy sees a psychologist and there is nothing wrong with him but ODD thats not treatable with medicine)

I don’t know why your husband is helping his son make the women in his life miserable. Perhaps he feels that men should be able to do what they want. Maybe he is letting the boy fight his battles for him. Or maybe he is overwhelmed by the idea of raising a son so has abdicated all responsiblity. Whatever his reasons, if he doesn’t make some changes, your husband could end up with a second divorce, children who don’t like each other very much, and a son in trouble with school and maybe the law. You are only 18 and have a stepson who is more than half your age! This marriage will only work if you and your husband have the same requirements for the children, icluding requiring respect for your authority as one of the adults in the family.

As hard as things are with the boy, your real problem is with your husband. Fighting with him about disciplining his son is a major distraction from the main issue which is the lack of partnership in the marriage. You and your husband should be working on how to be a team and how to make a healthy household in which to raise these children. Drop the fight about discipline for now and focus instead on how the two of you are going to work together to make a family. If your husband isn’t willing to do this, it may be that he wasn’t ready to remarry. In that case, you will both have some hard decisions to make.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

Is This Just Anxiety?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young man in the U.S.:  i am constantly rubbing my hands together, i talk to myself in my head and always think someone is talking to me is this normal? ive went to 3 drs and they said its just anxiety

There is no “just” to anxiety on the level you are experiencing. I’m glad you talked to doctors to find out what is troubling you. But a diagnosis is just the beginning of the journey to feel better. Anxiety can be treated. You don’t have to continue to feel this way.

I hope you will make an appointment to see a psychologist or counselor who specializes in anxiety disorders. Together, you will talk about what approach would be best for you.

Usually (but not always), some medication is helpful to help bring the level of anxiety down so you can then benefit from talk therapy. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are often prescribed to provide some relief.

During talk therapy, you’ll look at whether you can change some of the choices you are making in how you live your life. For example, if you are not allowing yourself enough sleep time, you will be more vulnerable to stress. If you aren’t getting any exercise, you aren’t giving yourself a healthy way to discharge some of that anxious energy. Caffeine and drug or alcohol abuse can also contribute to anxiety.

If your job is what makes you feel so upset, maybe there are creative ways to either reduce the stress on the job or maybe it’s time to think of moving on to another one. Or maybe problems with relationships are upsetting you. If that’s part of the picture, you and your therapist can also talk about that.

You and your therapist will discuss ways to improve your ability to cope. No matter how much we might wish it were not so, stress is an inevitable part of life. Everyone in the U.S. (indeed around the world) is under more stress lately because of the pandemic, politics, and economics these days. You can’t make all that go away but you can learn ways to change the intensity of your reaction to it.

Research has found that Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is highly effective for treating anxiety. disorders. CBT helps you identify and change thoughts that are getting in your way and helps you learn strategies for controlling your stress. You can find out more about CBT by searching on the Internet.

Finally, you can teach yourself some new strategies as well. Consider reading up on mindfulness and meditation practices and see if there is one that appeals to you.

There are a number of articles about treatment of anxiety disorders on this site. I hope you will take a look.

I’m very glad you wrote to us. You deserve to feel less stressed. I hope you will follow through with some of these suggestions. Most people who get treatment do feel appreciably better.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

Looking for LGBTQ Drug Rehab

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Discharged from US Navy in 2001 “as a covenience to the government” and diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder w/Schizoid Features. Went home and started using meth on a regular basis, soon selling drugs to support my habit. Busted with two ounces of cocaine in 2001 and sentenced to 5 years intensive probation and a class 2 felony. After failing a number of drug tests, I was arrested for violation of the terms of my probation and stayed in jail for five months until a bed at a local state run drug treatment facility opened up. Stayed clean after graduating the program for 2 and a half years. The day I got off probation, I began using again like I had never stopped. In March of 2011 I was pulled over for driving on a suspended license and arrested. I had 1.75 grams of meth in my right pocket. On December 5th, I was sentenced to Drug Court Probation. I drop six times a week and go to alot of recovery related groups through my mental health care provider. I am waiting once again on a bed at the same state run drug treatment facility. I am pretty sure that you folks can’t help me, because to get quality drug treatment for the most part you must have lots of money.

I want to know why there are not more gay/lesbian oriented treatment centers in this country? If it’s the last thing I accomplish in life, I will complete treatment again, get my master’s in clinical psychology, and open a much needed drug treatment center targeted at the gay population and make it affordable or an option for anyone who wants the help.

In addition to BPD, I am diagnosed with PTSD and Severe Depressive Disorder and Bipolar NOS. The latter conditions developed most likely as a result of my substace abuse and failure to get help for BPD. When I was a child my dad’s girlfriend molested my brother and I and made us do horrible things to one another cause I guess it got her off. My mother got sole custody, married the Grand Dragon of the KKK in our city and we moved away.

My stepfather caught me with another little boy when I was maybe seven and decided he could cure me of my homosexuality type behaviour by making me take off all my clothing and throwing me outside the front door of our home in a suburban neighborhood as I cried and screamed and pounded on the front door to be let back in. Within a few minutes I had attracted the attention of some kids on bikes who began to throw rocks and laugh at me. It was bad..whenever I had a sexual thought about a boy after that I would punch myself in the head and hope it would go away. I never really accepted my sexuality until leaving the Navy at 23. And as much as I want to believe I was born gay, I will always wonder if that sick b who did that to me and my brother is the only reason I am gay. It just makes sense that gay themed treatment centers would be better for someone like myself to successfully recover.

You’re right that having a therapist who you feel understands you is key to successful treatment. I applaud you for wanting to use your own experiences to help others. Needless to say, you need to get yourself together before you can be successful.

The kind of center you wish for may not be available but there are certainly good therapists who can relate to you. Go to this link to find gay-friendly treatment.

Terrible things were done to you when you were a child. They undoubtedly had impact on your sense of self and your ability to deal with the world. It’s likely that your history of drug abuse is at least partly an attempt to self-medicate in order to get away from the pain. But as you’ve already found, it doesn’t really work. It may make you feel better for a time but it is getting in the way of longer-term peace of mind and success in life.

I hope you can find the inner strength and the outer supports to finally get substance abuse out of your life and to do the therapeutic work you need to do. Don’t let the lack of an LGBTQ center become the reason you don’t do it. There are good LGBTQ therapists in your city who can help you put together a comprehensive treatment program.

You still have well over half your life to go. With the right help and with personal commitment, you can make the next half better.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

Homosexual dreams

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have had 2 homosexual dreams but I am only aroused by women. Gay thought keep coming to mind, but I truly hate it. What is wrong with me? I just woke up from a 2nd gay dream. In Dream 1, a man tried to have sex with me, after I followed a woman into a shower, but I ran away from the man. In Dream 2, I tried to kiss a girl but i ended up kissing my best friend (a dude), but in the dream I hated it also. I constantly have homosexual thoughts during the day but tune them out. They do not arouse me. I dream about women constantly and the thought of man on man action does not turn me on. I love my friend, but not in that way. Am I gay?

You are absolutely normal. At 18, it is usual to explore the full scope of your own sexuality. You are curious about all kinds of sex and you probably think about it a lot. It’s part of the natural sorting process that people go through if they will let themselves. Whether you are hetero or homosexual or something else will naturally come to you over time.

According to TeenHealth’s website, “As people pass from childhood into their teen years and beyond, their bodies develop and change. So do their emotions and feelings. During the teen years, the hormonal and physical changes of puberty usually mean people start noticing an increase in sexual feelings. It’s common to wonder and sometimes worry about new sexual feelings. It takes time for many people to understand who they are and who they’re becoming. Part of that involves better understanding of their own sexual feelings and who they are attracted to. During the teen years, people often find themselves having sexual thoughts and attractions. For some, these feelings and thoughts can be intense and seem confusing. That can be especially true for people who have romantic or sexual thoughts about someone who is the same sex they are. “What does that mean,” they might think. “Am I gay?” Being interested in someone of the same sex does not necessarily mean that a person is gay — just as being interested in someone of the opposite sex doesn’t mean a person is straight. It’s common for teens to be attracted to or have sexual thoughts about people of the same sex and the opposite sex. It’s one way of sorting through emerging sexual feelings. Some people might go beyond just thinking about it and experiment with sexual experiences with people of their own sex or of the opposite sex. These experiences, by themselves, do not necessarily mean that a person is gay or straight.”

“Why are some people straight and some people gay? There is no simple answer to that. Most medical experts, including those at the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and the American Psychological Association (APA), believe that sexual orientation involves a complex mix of biology, psychology, and environmental factors. Scientists also believe a person’s genes and hormones play an important role. Most medical experts believe that, in general, sexual orientation is not something that a person voluntarily chooses. Instead, sexual orientation is just a natural part of who a person is. There’s nothing wrong about being LGBT. Still, not everyone believes that. These kinds of beliefs can make things difficult for LGBT teens.”

Even when you’ve made a clear decision, there will be times when you will kind of try on other alternatives in your dreams and fantasies and thinking. It’s part of being human.

You don’t need to stress about it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

I Need Some Serious Help

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am a 26 male from India. I am extremely psychologically disturbed and don’t know what to do.

In early childhood at the age of around 8 I was introduced to sex by a cousin who was around 15/16. I did not thought much about it then but i engaged in some sexual activities. It did not felt wrong or right at that time because i was just 8. One more cousin did the same with me next year. I did not know if it was wrong or right. Then by teenage i had sexual experiments with two more distant cousins in one of which the other guy initiated but in one case i did. I dont know why i did it but i did.

The experiments ended when i reached 14-15 years of age. After that i locked those memories away and never thought about it.

When i came in college i had a gf whom i dint love nor did i want to be in the relationship with her. I even tld her upfront that i dint want to be with you. But she cried and insisted so much and moreover my friends too pressured me to be with her so i went into the relationship. As soon as college ended i terminated the relationship. After a year i met her again and there was a rebound relationship. After some time it again felt wrong to me so i again broke up with her. This time she attempted suicide and was in ICU for 3 days. her mother threatened police case but nothing happened and i thought to never get in a relation again.

After 3 years i fell for a very nice girl whom i used to know since school days. Everything was good. But once i shifted my room and there was this other girl living beside my room who helped me a lot initially and gave me much attention. I started ignoring my gf and would talk to her. This happened for 10-15 days after which my gf felt something was wrong and i started avoiding her. But once again i talked to her after 4-5 days gap. Then once it so happened that sexual tension arose between us, I hugged her, kissed only gently and when the moment came to advance to the next level, i immediately felt what am i doing and i withdrew myself from the situation and after that i never talked to her again.

This happened around a year ago and about 8 months into the relationship. But already my gf knew something was wrong, she would cry a lot and plead to tell her everything. But i was scared and thought if i tell her she would not believe me and relationship would end. So i kept her circling for 9 months thinking she would forget about it. But then one day it so happened that she said she would leave me so i told her only bits of it and told her nothing happened between me and her.

Over the next few months we would fight a lot and i would always tell her that i never did anything. Also i hadnt told her the whole thing about my ex gf to her that she had attempted suicide. Also once while she was ready to leave me, I told her a little about my childhood that i have been abused in the childhood but i dint tell her the names of those people and the whole thing. After that we w ould always fight about how i never tell her the whole thing about anything. I had lost her trust completely.

One day she was like this is it. Its over. Then desperately to be with her i told her each and everything. Also that i had a consensual casual sexual encounter with two more girls. Told her about the past, childhood everything, the other girl everything. I had never told anyone about those darker times as there is too much stigma attached to sexuality in india.

After that she hated me so much that i couldnt even say. She was mad, stopped talking. called her sister in office whom she lives with asking if she could die. I got scared, i live 250 frm where she is, i immediately booked a cab and went there but by that time i had also called up her sister to go to home and later she found out that my gf was ok. Later in night i talked to her sister and she told me never to contact them again. Again when once i talked to my gf she told me i am the worst person on this planet , i used her physically and mentally and people like me must not exist and many more things.

I never had any bad intensions towards her. I loved her a lot. After the breakup i was so disturbed i started developing personality disorder and blamed it on the other guy inside me. After some days that thing went away. But i cannot bear the guilt of the whole situation. I had always felt lonely my whole life but only when i was with her i felt ok. But now i feel so so lonely like i had never felt before.

I burst into tears every now and then, in room, class, road, anywhere. I dont want to become what i am. I want just a normal life like everyone else. I never intentioned to do anything wrong with her. I had already talked to my parents about her and they were ready. I was going to talk to her parents too but she wont believe even a single word i say. I am just fighting myself from within. What do i do to make my loneliness go away and have a normal mind again? How do i rectify what i wronged to her?

Your letter shows you to be a sensitive and intelligent guy. It’s to your credit that you want to right the wrongs to these women. But before you can do that, you have work you need to do on yourself. You were more hurt than you realize by the sexual encounters with older relatives when you were a child.

You were not at an age when you could consent. You were not at an age when you could make sense of the experience. You were manipulated into doing things you were not ready for. Sadly, that put a pattern into place: Sexuality is connected on some level in your mind with manipulation. You now find women who also manipulate you, this time with tears and threats.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what services are available in your country. I hope there are therapists who specialize in the long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse. You need to talk with someone who can help you untangle your past abuse so that you can find loving partners to love.

If you can’t find a therapist, please do read about childhood sexual abuse and post traumatic stress disorder. You might also find it helpful to contact an online therapist or to join an online support group.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

My Abusive Boss Is My Dad

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boss is my dad and he is mentally killing me. In 2012, my son and i stopped talking, i fell in love for the 1st time and he left me, my house burnt to the ground…all in one yr. my dad is my boss, I’m a single mom of 2, he’s a multi millionaire and pays me enough to live pay check to pay check, (10.00 per hour) i went to him told him why i’m so sad, and all he got out of my words was that i was after his money..when all i wanted was security. he and i have never been close, i don’t have a family, other than my kids…he talks to me like i’m a dog, his girlfriend’s daughter, my age, has not had a job in 12 yr. My mom died when i was 13. He has been real nasty and so mean for the last 8 mo. I take so many drugs from dr to help me…..if i quit, then he will never speak to me….if i stay, i’m afraid i will lose my mind. he hurts me with screaming cuss words everyday and wants me to work 7 days a week and only get paid for 40.

I’m so, so sorry for all the terrible things that have happened in your life. Sadly, it’s not going to change until you make some changes. You are living in a constant toxic situation. Although your loyalty to your dad may be seen by some as admirable, it really is killing you. All the drugs in the world aren’t going to help if you use them to help you tolerate an intolerable situation. If you can’t stop letting his treatment bother you, then you need to get out. If you have the desire to leave but not the strength, please consider seeing a therapist to help you. If you can’t afford a therapist, locate the domestic violence program in your area. They can probably offer you some assistance.

It certainly isn’t worth $10 an hour to stay in your father’s employ, especially when it comes with cuss words and nastiness. I don’t see why the idea that he won’t speak to you if you go is a threat. It seems to me it would be a relief. You can make the same or better money (and without the verbal abuse) doing almost anything. Almost anything will have better hours.

I worry that your self-esteem has taken such a beating that you don’t think you can do anything else. You can. Remind yourself of the dreams you had as a young person. Start looking for other work — any other work — just to get free. Then look for classes to develop some new skills. Once you are on your feet, you can start looking for work that more closely matches your interests and talents.

At 40, you still have a long life ahead. It’s up to you to make the next half of your life different.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

Communication Issues with Partner

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Germany: My partner and I are having a lot of issues communicating. She feels she can’t communicate with me as I am defensive and that I keep trying to talk my way out of issues and blame her for everything. She feels I am not mature and act like a child. (I’m 32 and she is 41).

From my point of view, I am defensive but feel that it is a response to how she is talking to me which from my point of view is very critical and very much putting all of the cause of our issues with me which makes me feel like she feels she is correct at all times. I really can’t tell if I’m actually convincing myself of this as a way to avoid dealing with my issues though I feel I already see a significant number of issues being caused by me and it was only until recently that I would think that is was anything other than my fault.

I am very codependent so I don’t trust my point of view on these things. I don’t know how I can deal with this as we have 2 kids and we were until recently trying for a third but suddenly everything has fallen apart again and from my experience the only way to fix it is to just stop disagreeing with her point of view and do what I need to to fix the issue even though I know it won’t really change as what causes me to end up getting defensive or angry will still continue to happen.

I have tried to explain this but it only makes things worse and she won’t listen to what I have to say. Anything I do get classes as BS or fits with her idea of what is going on even though I see it as the opposite…..I could go on forever here and don’t know if it is even possible to have an answer. I love her and when we aren’t arguing it is all amazing…but it is just this block that we can’t seem to fix. I know you can’t answer most of these things but what can I do so that I can try to?

I’m very glad to hear that most of the time things are “amazing” between you. I hope the “amazing” and the fact that you have two children who need you motivates you both to fix this. You made an important step in writing to us here at LifeHelper.

You seem locked in a cycle of blaming each other. Assigning blame isn’t at all helpful. Even if you could decide which of you is more guilty, you would still have the communication problems. I have a guess that there is something you two aren’t talking about that is so difficult that it seems better to fight about “communication.” From my point of view you are communicating perfectly. You are communicating that you don’t want to communicate.

A couples counselor will be able to observe the two of you in action and will be able to help you understand why having the block is more important than not having it at this point in your relationship. You can then work on the underlying issues and become a stronger team.

I hope you will follow through.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

Is It Important for a Teen to Have a Girlfriend?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Rwanda:  i am 19 by November this year, but recently i have been thinking if having no girlfriend at my age really matter…
many teens by my age already have girlfriends or boyfriends, many had their first kisses or even much worse had their first break up but me, i have no experience in such matters, i really want to be in a relationship but don’t know where to start  (lets say shyness).

I’m so glad you asked your question. Yes, relationships are on the mind of all teens. But it simply isn’t true that everyone has a romantic experience during their teen years. Worldwide only about 35% of teenagers find romance. If they marry, only a little over a half of those couples succeed in staying married over 10 years.

So. Please relax. You are not in the minority — even though it seems so. Often teens act as if they have a girlfriend or boyfriend because they don’t want others to know that they don’t. Lots of people are fooling everyone else because they think they are alone in being single.

As for your shyness: Researchers have found that almost half of teens describe themselves as shy. You’re not alone in that feeling either. Some people are just normally more introverted than others. It’s not a problem unless it becomes so extreme that it interferes with someone’s ability to function in day to day life. Then it may become a social anxiety disorder. 

If you are able to generally get along with people, but sometimes find it a bit of a struggle, you may be just “shy” as you suggested. Not everyone is the life of a party. Some people are just quieter and more reserved.

If that’s the case, the way to stretch out of it is to join in a group that is doing something you are truly interested in. That can be a sport or an interest group or a volunteer effort. When people work or play  or create together, the focus is on the task at hand, not on making friends. Paradoxically, friendships often grow organically as people get to know each other over time and feel good about what they are doing together.

Sometimes friendships then grow into romance. But even when they don’t, developing and maintaining solid friendships is an important way for you to learn about what you are looking for in a potential partner.

When I suggest to people that they join something, they often say something like “I’m not a joiner.” To which I reply, “Well, friends and lovers aren’t going to knock on your door. Maybe it’s time you became one.”

I know. It can feel risky. There’s always the possibility that you’ll feel out of place or that you will be rejected. But finding a group is like finding new clothes. You have to try a few on before you feel like you have found the right fit. You may need to check out several groups before you find one that feels at least a little comfortable.

Do give it a fair chance. Go back a few times before you decide that a group isn’t for you. Sometimes it takes a few times for others to get comfortable with someone new and for you to see people as they really are.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

Losing my pastors; losing my anchors

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

This is probably a stupid question, so thank you so much for being willing to use your time to read it if you do. I used to hurt myself. I mainly bit or pinched myself until I started trying to stop and found way more ways to hurt myself. It almost never drew blood, but bruising or picking off skin was not uncommon. Anyway, I did it to take away stress, and to drown out physical and emotional pain. I also did it to punish myself for mistakes.

It has been almost a year since I started trying to stop, and it will be one year on April 10 since I hurt myself, but the desire to hurt myself is still really strong sometimes. It has especially been bad recently because my grades are not very good, and I had been denying the reality that the youth pastors at both my churches are leaving at the end of the year, and I got reminded of it.

It scares me because one of the churches I have been going to since I was about 3 years old, and I probably will not get to go back when the pastor leaves so I will lose all those friends. The other one is the first person who I told about hurting myself, and also the first person who made me feel like I belong at the other church.

I am afraid that this stuff will be ‘too much’ and I will hurt myself again. How can I make these desires go away? (I guess I should probably say that because I was not doing anything really harmful that there are barely any people who know that I ever hurt myself, so I do not see more than a couple times a week the people who know about it.)

First, there are no stupid questions. You were right to reach out for some help on this. Teen years can be confusing and emotionally really hard. The kids who seem to manage the turmoil the best are those who either have a very stable and loving family or those who have found a “second family” in a group activity that means a lot to them. Some kids are lucky enough to have both.

It sounds to me like your pastors and your churches are central anchors in your life right now. Thinking about losing them frightens you because you’re not sure you can manage on your own. But pastors (and other significant people) move on. Loss is part of life. Treasuring the time we have with important people and keeping what they’ve taught us in our hearts is one of the things that makes us stronger.

I don’t understand why you would lose the church when your pastor leaves. Your friends there are your friends. It’s only fair to give the new pastor a chance. New people give us new opportunities to expand our support network and to learn new things about ourselves. As for the other pastor, he or she helped you face a problem. The best way to honor that relationship is to maintain your resolve not to hurt yourself.

My best advice is to keep attending the youth groups. Focus on doing whatever activities happen there. If you haven’t yet made friends, give it time. Doing things together without pressuring for more can help friendships just naturally evolve. Since you have a life of faith, practice prayer and meditation when you are stressed. Research shows that self-harm may release stress in the moment but it also teaches a person to do more self-harm. Quieter forms of destressing such as prayer and conscious breathing have longer-lasting effects with no shame or self-blame attached.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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