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Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

Breakup with Depressed Partner

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 20th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Greece: My (ex)boyfriend and I were together for 10 months. During the first months we were very happy and he said he wanted to be with me and live with me when he finds a stable job. He is 30 but lives with his parents, something that he hates.

After 2-3 months the job contract he had was over. He started withdrawing himself and he admitted he had many problems with his life. Nevertheless he said he feels happier when he sees me.

I had a conversation with him some days after and he said he felt like I was only “his best friend” and he wasn’t sure if he was in love. I felt betrayed and we broke up. I thought about it for a day and drew the conclusion that I wanted to help him even if he saw me that way, so I suggested we get together again and face the problem and he agreed.

We went for vacations and he was really happy and said that he loved me but a month after we returned he told me it would be better to break up because he wasn’t sure about his feelings anymore and felt like he couldn’t support any relationship due to the problems he was facing. He said he needed to work things out and fix his life himself and wanted to be alone and that nothing could make him feel happy and he even wanted to die. He was feeling useless and was not sure when he was going to be ok. I tried to keep him in my life but he didn’t want that.

We met again to exchange some things. He looked really tired and admitted he hadn’t slept much but he acted very happy and was talking all the time about random things and plans for his near future. I asked him what this was all about and he answered it was “the best defense mechanism”. I asked him if he was already over me and said “not really” and looked very sad when I told him I was going for vacations with some friends.

Everything is a contradiction. I have feelings for him and don’t want to give up. I can’t eat or sleep and often have very rapid heartbeat. I don’t even know if he ever loved me.

I’m very sorry you have been so hurt. But I don’t think there are contradictions in his behavior. He has consistently told you by his behavior that he isn’t in a space to be in a relationship. I can’t answer whether he ever loved you. Only he can answer that but it isn’t a useful question to pursue with him. He certainly seems to like you, but you aren’t able or willing to leave it at that. Even if he thinks he loves you, he knows he isn’t fit to be in a committed relationship at this point in his life.

From what you wrote, it looks to me that this man is unstable in much of his life including his job, his living situation, and his relationships. I do think he made the right decision when he told you he is unable to have a serious relationship until he is able to live a more adult life. He is correct that, at 30, it’s time for him to focus on himself. He needs to solve his problems with work, his parents, and people like you who try to get close to him.

Meanwhile, I suggest you take a big step back. You have been hurt each time you have tried to help him or be more than a friend. Please make yourself available to someone who can love you and cherish you and offer you a stable relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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What do I Want?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 14th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: I was in a relationship that spanned 12 years and we were in the middle of wedding plans when I cheated. It wasn’t a one-time thing and it continued as I proceeded with the wedding plans. I eventually called off the wedding and ended the relationship with my boyfriend. I thought I had realized that we had grown apart and wanted different things. I was learning more about myself and realizing that my boyfriend was not giving me things I wanted and needed. For instance, he never made an attempt to buy my wedding band. Since we never went through an engagement where he would have given me a ring, I thought he would do this for me. I even told him which ring I wanted. I just wanted him to surprise me. That just wasn’t him. He is against all the ‘status quo’ and I realized that I was very much status quo. I also started to over think the fact that we were together for so long and never made any steps towards a future. I started to think that this relationship couldn’t be right. I also needed to believe that the only reason I could cheat is because my relationship must be wrong.

Since then I have continued the relationship with the guy I was cheating with. I put all my energy into him and gave him all of me (which I also did in my other relationship that caused me to feel lost). We have been together for over a year now and he is convinced that we will be together. Nobody knows that we are together and truthfully I wouldn’t want my ex to find out because it would hurt him. This new guy wants to move in with me since we are together and it seems to make sense. I informed him that I wasn’t ready and it has caused problems. We fight a lot and I always tell myself that I don’t really want to be with him. But, I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince myself of that or if I really feel that. I also have trust issues with him since we started by both cheating. I have checked his email accounts before and found emails to his ex stating that he misses her. When I confronted him, he admitted it was wrong and stated that he does not want to be with her. He stated that he is the one trying to move in with me. I find myself pushing him away. He is very considerate which my ex was far from but I am still sad. I’m not sure why since I do love him. I can’t tell him that I miss my ex and that I’m not sure I want to be with him because he would leave and I’m not sure what I want.

I cry daily and have to hide it. None of my friends know what I am going through since I am hiding the fact that I cheated and the fact that I’m with a new person. I miss my ex tremendously and am angry at myself for cheating and causing him so much hurt (even though he doesn’t know about the affair). I think about him everyday and want to write him and see how he feels. But I don’t know if that is the right thing to do. And I don’t want to cheat again. I don’t want to be hurtful to the new guy in my life. The last I heard, my ex still wanted to get back together with me but that was over 4 months ago and of course he didn’t know about the affair or my relationship. I am upset that I didn’t give him the chance to give me what I wanted. I’m upset that I just bailed on this very loving relationship. Since this new relationship is so much harder, all I think is that I should have tried harder the first time. I think that I’m a horrible person and can’t seem to get over my actions. I know that I tend to dwell on my mistakes but this is over a year of dwelling and sadness. I feel that it is getting worse and I’m not sure how to make it better. I have tried to contact a therapist but can’t seem to find one that my insurance will cover.

I also feel that I am too old to be going through this now. I’ve never believed that age was a big deal, but I’m starting to realize that I want a family. I want to be loved and to love. I want to be happy. Am I sabotaging myself? Why did I cheat? And do I really want my ex back? Or am I sabotaging myself again? I feel really overwhelmed and don’t know how to deal with it. Please help. I’ve written before but my email was really vague.

I did the math. You may have been with guy #1 for 12 years but you met him when you were about 16 or 17 years old. My guess is that you really did grow apart but that you didn’t have the self-esteem, or the heart, to leave a man you had virtually grown up with. You did something drastic (cheating) to push yourself out of the relationship. In my opinion, your mistake then was to attach to guy #2. You skipped over an important developmental period. Most people spend their early 20’s exploring relationships and figuring out what they do and don’t want in a partner. What you really need is some time to find out who you are separate from a relationship and to date a number of men so you can eventually make a good choice. And, by the way, a healthy relationship is one that you can share with your friends.

If you are too scared to get out into the world on your own, it might be helpful to work with a therapist for awhile. A therapist can give you some support and perhaps some practical advice as you learn more about yourself and relationships.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Please, Please Help with My Depression

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 11th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From India: hello sir/mam, I am an engineering student, it all started from diploma final year, now I have completed my diploma. I was a very funny and enjoying person, I studied very well and scored good marks. When I was in the last year of diploma, that is in 6th sem, I failed in a subject due to overconfidence, and then after everything changed, my one year was wasted and I couldn’t join engineering, in this one year I kept on thinking of my year back, I was depressed all the time, feeling lonely.

After this one year, when I came to engineering, I thought everything will change again, but because of strict college rules that I had never faced at all, I started fearing to go to college itself, I couldn’t even find any friends to support me.

I am very depressed all the time. I cry a lot day and night. I get some type of fear when I go to college. My studies pressure is killing me day by day. The anxiety is going on increasing.

I can’t tell this problem to my parents. When I said that am not able to concentrate, they said to try, but I am not able to try, I am confused the whole day, some kind of confusion keeps on going in my mind which I am not able to tolerate. When I am in a silent place where there are no sounds and just cool air, I feel calm, but when I get into public — say just in my home, just a small family talk — I can’t handle the pressure which I don’t know how to explain.

plz help me, I am done with this life. I am hating it now. I was a very good student, I got good grades in my school and even in college, now I am dying thinking what has happened to me. I am confused, I am not able to concentrate in study. I am sad the whole day from the time I wake up till I sleep. I cry a lot day and night, depressed, bottled up myself with anxiety. I am not abel to handle this plz help me. plz plz plz help me.

The pressure you are under to excel must be terrible indeed for you to be so anxious. Whether that pressure comes from yourself or your family, it is not at all helpful. It is immobilizing you. It’s no wonder that you want to isolate yourself. I’m very glad you wrote to us.

Your crisis of confidence is not at all unusual when a student who is accustomed to being the best and the brightest has a set back like the one you described. As a college professor, I’ve seen it often among students who were at the top of their class in secondary school. When they come to university they have to compete with other people who were also at the top of their classes. If the student’s self-esteem is tied too firmly to being the best, he or she is in trouble. Not everyone can be the best of the best.

One common but not at all helpful strategy for dealing with the problem is avoidance. The student preserves idea that he is the “best,” but develops depression and anxiety so he doesn’t have to prove it. Claims of “trying” are a substitute for doing.

You — and students like you — need to come to terms with the fact that you won’t always be the best. Sure, you’ll excel at some things. But if you associate with other bright people, chances are they will sometimes do better than you do. If you try new things, chances are that you will fail now and then.

It may comfort you to know that many famous people have experienced failure and have gleaned wisdom from it. Albert Einstein once said, “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” And educator John Dewey said, “Failure is instructive. The person who really thinks learns quite as much from his failures as from his successes.”

You’ve tried to manage this crisis on your own without success. I suggest you make an appointment with a counselor. Good counseling can provide you with the support you need while reconsidering your sense of yourself and re-establishing your self-esteem.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I’m Worried about Myself

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 10th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Lebanon: It has been a long period that I’ve been worried, asking constant questions to myself. First of all, I am a gay guy, at the age of 21. My life was a continuous fear of expression and exposure of my true self to the world. Ever since I knew I was gay at the age of 7 or 8, I started having irrational fears and extreme anger/irritation that dragged into all of my early adolescence. I had an extreme hate towards myself, sabotaging every artistic talent that I had, from a writing skill, a drawing skill, a beautiful voice, basically every aspect of my talent that was feminine, I hated it. I was always afraid of being judged,

I live in an eastern Arabic society, where false beliefs about homosexuality followed all my childhood and teenage years. They used to constantly talk about homosexuals as mentally ill with extreme mental and psychological disorders. I was always afraid of my image. I used to spend hours researching late at night so I can prove my sanity to myself.

I’ve always been attracted to men, and I had my first real crush/love at the age of 13. It was a one sided experience, and it was an extremely close friend. The ending traumatized me, when that person suddenly left my life. My sabotaging behavior grew and it hit me again, I started failing at school and I truly reached extremely low levels of depression and hurt. Although, I used to be one of the best students, always studying and working hard. My case started getting worse, I couldn’t talk to anyone, couldn’t tell my family about my sexual orientation and all that I needed to do was live and pass the count of days.

I am now in college, majoring in Art, after a long struggle with self sabotaging and fear of being known for who I truly am, the suffering never seemed to go away and I feel that I’ve spent my whole life hiding myself behind fear and I can’t truly remember who I am neither have a stable image of myself because I am afraid. I’ve been distant from my family, never had real friends, and my memory is always blurry when it comes to past experiences and I feel as much as I hated myself that I can’t connect with who I truly am.

My question and fear is have I developed a borderline personality or bipolar disorder since my childhood till now? Am I mentally ill, because of my constant self sabotaging and the hate towards my social image? I’ve been extremely bullied, always excluded from my surroundings, but I am now socially active, although I am suffering from anxiety, depression and lack of interest. The past two years were extremely tiring, I didn’t like anything, and had no interest in my life at all. I felt extremely ill. Is there a chance I might be mentally or psychologically well functioning?

Thank you for your time, I know some information might be missing but if I can provide you more context I would be more than glad to do so, since I know a diagnosis is not done through online questioning.

Sadly, your story is very much like the stories of many of my gay clients who grew up in a homophobic family and/or unaccepting (even hostile) community. I know it won’t fix everything but it might help you feel a bit better to understand that you are not at all alone in your struggles. Ironically, your fear, your distancing from others, and your self-sabotaging may have helped you survive through your teen years. It’s possible that you were protecting yourself by making yourself invisible and non-threatening. Unfortunately, those behaviors may have become habits that are now in your way.

But now you are 21. You are in college. I hope there are parts of your life where it is safe to claim your sexual identity and to start being your real self. It will be difficult. It’s not like you can flip a switch from being a scared kid in hiding to being a confident adult. But over time you can do it. With some professional help and support, you could do it more easily.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what resources are available in your country. You would benefit from some therapy and an LGBT support group. If that isn’t possible, a place to start is the forum for sexuality issues here at LifeHelper. I also did a little research and found that there are a number of online support groups where you can get both pracical advice and empathetic support from other gay men worldwide. I hope you will explore gaining more self-knowledge through the self-expression your art can provide for you.

I think writing to us here at LifeHelper was one of the many ways that you are coming out and coming into your self. It’s a good start. But it’s only a start. I hope you will continue to look for ways to get help and healing. You deserve it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I’m 14 and Don’t Know What’s Wrong with Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 9th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: For the past 4 years, I’ve been experiencing memories of bad stuff that’s happened as a kid. I have been bullied at school and have issues communicating with people and family. I don’t have to many friends and have a hard time talking with people. I get extremely irritated around a lot of people.

When left home alone I tend to get nervous or scared. When experiencing the flashbacks of bad memories, I cry or scream. As a kid I watched my mom get psychically attacked by my father. I tend to keep most of the stuff I saw or felt to myself.

My parents around the age of 7 got divorced. I constantly moved every two years. When I first was required to see my father, he would either drive us around drunk or leave me and my sster alone down stairs in the house.

Over the last couple of years this has been happening, anything bad that happens causes me to have a “Mental Breakdown”. When the thought of something triggers the flashbacks, I can’t control the screaming or crying. I haven’t told me parents due to the fact the might think I’m doing it for attention.

Also, when the flashbacks occurs I normally sqeeuze my head, or hit my head with my hand to try to make it stop. It doesn’t work. I’m constantly unhappy and tend to pretend I’m happy. Being around dogs tends to help calm me down. When getting in an argument with my sister, I would just walk away, trying not to start lashing out at her. I have also thought of committing suicide twice now.

Most of the time, I spend the day in my room not talking. When around people or family I don’t talk much. I also when intruppeted tend to stop talking for the rest of the day. If at school I tend to sit alone and do nothing. If you can please help me.

You’ve had a very tough up-bringing. There is no shame in having difficulty dealing with it. What you are reporting is not unusual for a kid who has witnessed violence and been bullied.

I really think you need to see a counselor. A caring counselor can help you learn how to manage the flashbacks and can teach you kinder ways to cope when you are feeling over-whelmed.

If you think your parents won’t listen to a request for counseling, you could ask another adult you trust to intercede for you. You might confide in your school guidance counselor or a teacher you trust or your doctor. That person could then help you talk to your folks.

In the meantime, when you are feeling down or scared or suicidal, please contact a counselor at the Boys Town Hotline. (Yes, they talk to girls too.) The number is 1-800-448-3000. Counselors are there 24/7 to provide help and support to teens like you. There is no charge for this service. Here’s their website: http://www.boystown.org/hotline.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My girlfriend’s son is out of control!

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 3rd, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have an unusual situation. I have recently started a serious relationship with an old girlfriend. She has a 5 y/o from another marriage. At any rate, she seems completely unable to discipline him in any fashion. Literally, he is housebroken and that is about the limit of his civilized behavior. Here are a few examples of what I mean:

  • He curses like a sailor
  • Grabs whatever he wants to eat of the counter and drops it on the floor
  • Sticks his hands into jars of peanut butter, cream cheese and eats it off his fingers
  • Destroys everything in the house
    • Ripped the fronts off the cabinets in the kitchen (repeatedly)
    • Takes kitchen implements and punches holes in the walls
    • Takes the garden hose and sprays it in the house
    • Smashes all his toys to bits
  • Punches, kicks, and screams at everyone
  • Defies authority all the time

Furthermore, I believe my girlfriend is the root cause of this situation for the following reasons:

  • This entire set of behavior is completely ignored by my girlfriend.
  • The child has no rules of any kind.
    • No set bedtime
    • No set mealtime, snacks whenever he wants
    • He sleeps in bed with his mother every night
    • His mother dresses him all the time and other basic “coddling”

This is shocking to me. I don’t have children of my own, but this can’t be right. My girlfriend agrees that this behavior is bad, but she does not seem to know what to do. Basically, she ignores it up to a point. Then she gets so frustrated that she loses her temper and starts a tantrum of her own.

So, I am not into corporal punishment. So, I am trying positive reinforcement and “time-out” as a negative reinforcement. So here is my problem. This child absolutely refuses to sit in the “time-out chair.” I spend hours and hours (literally) putting him in the timeout chair and he simply jumps up. Should I “lock” him in a room for his 10 minute time out? This doesn’t seem right. Do we need therapy? Do you have any advice for getting this child under control? Please, please help. We are in trouble over here!

You sure are. I can only guess that your girlfriend has been so overwhelmed that she couldn’t parent. This little boy is totally uncivilized. He’s also unhappy and angry and is showing it as only a terribly angry and hurt little boy can — by pushing the limits until someone finally has the courage to say no. Kids need structure. Intuitively they know it. They need the safety that comes with knowing that grown-ups who love them are in charge. But here’s the hard reality: As much as you would like to fix this; as much as your girlfriend would like you to fix it, you can’t do this alone. This little boy isn’t going to believe any form of discipline unless his mom is 100 percent (or at least 95 percent) behind it.

I think you and your girlfriend need more help than I can offer in a little advice column. Ask your pediatrician for a recommendation to a parent education class or to a personal parent-educator to help you both learn some skills and to give you the considerable support you will need to turn this situation around. Be prepared for a rough few months while you set new limits and teach this little boy how to be in a more loving relationship with the people who love him. As hard as it will be, it’s worth it. He’s very young. He can learn. With time and consistent attention, he can become the playful, smart little guy he was intended to be.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I can’t forget about my ex-boyfriend

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 30th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was with my ex for 5 months. It was the “first love” for me, so probably I was seeing more in that relationship than there really was. He left me for another girl a year ago. I should have stopped talking to him the same moment, but I was stupid and tried to make him come back to me. When the girl left him, I was by his side, but when he found another one I just couldn’t stand it and told him I’d rather not see him again.

I know that this sounds stupid, but my mind has no influence on how I feel. I love him, but I wasn’t worth him. Everyone was telling me that time heals the wounds, but it’s been a year and it’s only getting worse. I miss him, I cry at night because of that. I’d do anything to be with him, even for a moment, even to be able to touch him. And I know I mean nothing to him, he probably even forgot that I exist. Every time a smallest things reminds me of him I feel as if someone throw a huge, heavy stone inside of me. I can’t ever imagine being with anyone else. I know I’m broken and not worth fixing, so hoping someone could love me has no sense. I just don’t know what to do, I know nothing. For some time I wanted to kill myself, but I’m too weak.

There’s one more thing I fear. I’ve always wanted to go to Medical University, but that’s where my ex and his current girlfriend study. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to bear this if I see them together and it would be 4 years on the same university… If I run away from him, I’ll lost the last thing I want and can have. For a year I haven’t been really happy and I’m afraid I won’t be anymore. Even writing this the stupid me is crying. I just really don’t know what to do.

A; I really am sorry that you have been feeling so sad for so long. First love is often a very powerful experience. But you already know that your feelings are way out of proportion to a 5 month relationship. When someone becomes so obsessed and depressed that she can’t function, it usually means that there is more to the situation than a broken heart.

One way to figure it out is to ask yourself what you would be thinking about and doing if you were not so upset about the breakup. Is it possible that it is easier for you to maintain the upset than to face whatever it is that you should be attending to? Could it be that you are anxious about going on to university, for example? Or maybe you are so afraid to open your heart to someone again that there is a part of you that would rather be stuck than chance it.

I want to remind you that there are medical schools all over the world. If you don’t want to run into your ex at school, you could look into alternative places. There are lots of worthy men your age in your city, in your country, and in the larger world. Someone out there is looking for someone just like you. In either case (school or romance), you won’t find what you are looking for by sitting home and thinking about one failed relationship.

Most important, I don’t believe for a minute that you are “broken and not worth fixing.” Your self-esteem and self-confidence have suffered a blow but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy of attention and care. Please find a counselor to help you sort all this out and get on with your life. You deserve to be happy again.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How do I get my mother to let me date my boyfriend?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 26th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Australia: My boyfriend and I met on an online video game, we became best friends and then our relationship grew onwards, even our friends online where all betting for us to become a couple.  We facetimed etc so we knew what each other looked like.

We would talk every single day.  On a special day he asked me out, I said yes because at that point we both knew we liked each other.  We dated for 7 months secretly, cause I knew my mum doesn’t want me dating.  My boyfriend, N, helped me with all my problems, I have serve depression and anxiety, even suicidal thoughts sometimes, he got to know of all my problems and i was 100% comfortable with telling him,

he had helped me with everything, he helped me during all my trials and my emotional breakdowns and my own thinking, I hate my self turned into wow I love my self and I deserve to live.  He was the first one to actually help me and to make me believe I was beautiful, that was the first time I have believed that in my whole life, he was the only one I could talk too without being judged and I knew I could trust him.  He’s even talked me out and calmed me down from cutting.

The hardest part is that my boyfriend lives in America. He was planning to come to Australia when he turned 18. The other problem, is that I’m in a religion, which I don’t really want to be in. I feel like I’m living a life my mum wants me to live and not what I want…

after 7 months of dating one tragic thing happened and mum found out I was dating, she was livid and was yelling at me saying he was a predator and was using me and that he doesn’t love me.  She still doesn’t want me talking to him at all, but I still do secretly, I cant live without N, he’s my lifeline. and I’m his.  She banned me off my phone for 3 months, only just got it back.

I just want to tell mum that I don’t want to be religious and that I want to date N, she even told me before that if I wasn’t in the religion like my other brother, she would support my relationships even if she didn’t agree with them.  But I’m so scared to tell her, so deathly afraid.  It’s either wait till I’m 18 to tell her or get the courage now and tell her, so I can date my boyfriend again.  N told me he would wait for me in till we can date again.  We love each other way to much to let each other go, I helped him with things and he helped me.

I wish you had shared the “tragic event”. That would help me better understand your mother’s concerns. Regardless — I am concerned that this relationship is so secretive and you seem so dependent on this guy. Healthy relationships aren’t kept secret. Healthy relationships aren’t primarily based in neediness. In a healthy relationship you wouldn’t see him as the “only” one who understands you or who can help you.

Like your mother, I see some enormous red flags. N’s behavior has much in common with online predators. Your mom is trying to protect you as best she can.

Adult sexual predators do hang out in online gaming. It’s fertile territory to find teens who are insecure and who have trouble making in person friends at school or in their home community. They are particularly likely to hang out in games where team members have to develop rapport and trust in each other to work together towards goals. It’s not a big leap for a predator to move to personal messages with a needy teen and to start encouraging that person to trust him with personal issues that have nothing to do with mastering the game.

It’s possible that N is what he says he is. It’s also possible that he is an adult male who is grooming you. “Grooming” is when an adult gradually makes his way into a young person’s life and trust by listening willingly to all their problems and being exceptionally supportive, regardless of what the teen says. Slowly, steadily, a predator pulls the teen in by making the teen feel special, beautiful, and understood. Such predators are often extraordinarily patient. They can spend weeks or months on the project. Usually, they are luring more than one teen at a time.

If N is truly a teen in love with you, he would be talking directly to your mother in video calls to show her he is who he says he is. He would provide her with proof of some kind that he is in fact a teen without being defensive about it. He would be introducing you both to his family and to some of his friends. He would encourage a conversation between his parents and yours. If he immediately shuts down or distances once your mother contacts him or you ask to know his family and friends, it’s a signal that he isn’t being honest with you.

Even if N is a teen “in love”, that love may not meet either of your expectations if you meet in person. Sometimes online or on the phone conversations can be the start of something wonderful. That’s why online matching services are sometimes successful. But often enough, people are disappointed once they meet. The person they thought they knew turns out to be nice enough but not someone who makes their heart sing.

Regardless of how you feel about N, you deserve to be having fun doing things with kids your age. Even people who are in relationships still go out with friends, play in sports, are active in a club or two, and have other kids to hang out with between periods or at lunch in school. Join something at school or in your town where other kids hang out. Get out of your house and away from the computer enough to meet and spend time with other people — up close and personal. As long as you are so “romantically” involved with N that you spend so much free time online with him, you can’t meet people who will go out and have fun with you and who will love you for who you are, not just how you present yourself in writing or in game.

And, by all mean, be honest with your mom. Not telling her what you think and feel or, worse, sneaking, will only make things worse. Instead, share this letter with her and see if the two of you can make a plan for how to help her get to know N so she can see for herself who he is.

Meanwhile, the religion question is another issue entirely. It’s not at all unusual for teens to start to question the religion they were raised in. It’s an important part of growing up to examine your family’s values and beliefs. Most kids do return to their family’s beliefs but, having thoughtfully questioned them and come to their own conclusions, those beliefs are stronger than ever. The key here is thoughtful exploration, not rebellion. If your mother knew you were engaged in careful, thoughtful examination of what you believe, she might be willing to have some important conversations with you about it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I need to find a therapist, but I’m scared to call

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 23rd, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Back at the beginning of my sophomore year in college in 2009, I went into the counseling center at my college and started individual therapy with a therapist that was assigned to me. My sessions were fairly sporadic, and since I’m only allowed 10 per academic year, my therapist spaced them out so they would span more time. I had my final session with her back in February of this year, and I have been in group therapy this semester, but that’s an entirely different story.

I recently asked my therapist for referrals to an outside therapist where I could get more consistent and long-term treatment, rather than being so limited. She gave me several names and numbers, but I’m so scared to call anyone! I’m scared to call, but I’m also scared to ask questions. I know from researching some that I should ask some questions of a potential therapist to see if they are right for me. And I also read that it was best to do so on the phone so you don’t waste your time in an in-take session if they give cold answers. I just don’t think I’ll be able to ask questions on the phone or in person. So, my main, huge worry is that I’m not going to be able to be assertive enough to find what I need in a therapist, and I’ll get tired of jumping from one to the next, and I’ll probably end up not looking anymore.

While I was in individual therapy, I was slightly more capable of convincing myself that I was worthy of getting help for my low self-esteem and constant need for validation from everyone but myself. This feeling has lowered again, and I feel stuck, because I know I will be even more disheartened if I have a lot of trouble finding a good therapist. Nonetheless, the decision is up to me, but I have no clue how to make this work for myself. I’m just too scared, and I don’t know what to do.

I’m very proud of you for deciding to take charge of your problems and finding a therapist. As you’ve discovered, therapy really can help. I’m equally proud of you that you haven’t gotten so discouraged that you’ve given up. Instead you are asking for help, first from your therapist, then from us here at Psych Central.

Your therapist has already shown that she is willing to help you transfer. Since you like her and feel reasonably comfortable with her, I wonder if you could ask her if you could make the calls to the new therapists while in her office? She can coach you on what to say and be there as a support for you. Even if you just get to leave voicemail messages, you will have started to make contact. Yes – eventually your goal is to be able to do this for yourself. But you’re not there yet. There’s no shame in that. It’s something you know you have to work on. My guess is that if you could easily make those calls, your therapy would be close to being over. Instead, you are in the middle of the process. It’s fine to ask your current therapist to help you bridge to a new one.

Please do follow through. You’ve made such a good start. I really hope you will build on it by using the supports you have to help you transition to a new counselor.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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His wife no longer will have sex.

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 21st, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. In the last 3 years of our relationship, the frequency with which we had sex tapered off very gradually; we now have had virtually no sexual contact in the last 6 months.

We have had a few bad fights — one in which we hit each other (I spent a night in prison for this). This was several months ago now, and we had virtually no sex for months leading up to this fight anyway.

I’ve been unemployed for about a year but have been steadily paying the majority of our bills from my savings and severance package; I’ve also been raising our daughter (she’s 2 1/2 years old) as my wife is working full time. I’ve had a number of job interviews and anticipate going back to work soon. Our sex problems predate me losing my job.

My wife is also 7 months pregnant (from the very last time we made love). She was in several VERY abusive relationships before we met. I get the impression her father criticized her terribly. She also was sexually assaulted 9 years ago whilst hiking by herself in a wooded area.

I know she’s not cheating — but she refuses to give a real reason why our sex life has ended. She claims to be very traumatized by the time I lost it and slapped her (very lightly, after she hit me, which I realize is inexcusable on my part) and she’s also extremely fatigued and depressed-acting. She’s also gained a fair amount of weight between 2 pregnancies and stress eating, but she won’t change her diet or exercise habits either (she seems addicted to sweets, treats, and starches).

I love her but I don’t want to live out the rest of my life this way. Should I stick around much longer? My needs aren’t even close to being met. I realize how unhappy she is but I just can’t seem to interest her in anything besides food!!

We do love each other and she breaks down in tears at the thought of me leaving her. Why is the physical part of our relationship gone? Can it be brought back? I feel so rejected, frustrated, and betrayed I’m ready to leave tomorrow, but for our kids. I’m still attracted to her, and I care about her a lot, but this just isn’t worth it anymore!!

Why oh why have you two not found yourselves a therapist? From what you’ve told me, your wife is suffering from depression and perhaps from post traumatic stress disorder. In addition to having had a critical father and several abusive relationships, she was sexually assaulted. She thought you were finally a man she could trust. Then you lost it and hit her. On top of that, she is pregnant, tired, over-worked and probably scared of the financial situation. It’s no wonder to me that she isn’t interested in being open to you sexually and is turning to comfort food instead. It’s probably all she can do to hold it together!

Meanwhile, you have troubles of your own. You’ve been unemployed. You’re watching the bank account evaporate. You have primary parenting responsibilities for a toddler and there’s a baby on the way. As frustrated as you are with your wife, you are also worried about her but have been unable to help her.

My take on the situation is this: For you, sex would be a comfort and a way to be close and to rebuild trust. For your wife, sex is yet another demand as well as a reminder of how much men have hurt her. She needs closeness and trust to be rebuilt before she can allow herself to be intimate with you again. You two need support and help to bring you back together.

Please ask your doctor, clergy person, or friends for a referral to a couples therapist. If you could solve this on your own, you would have done so already. You live in a city with many therapy centers, clinics, and therapists in private practices offer a sliding fee scale for people in financial difficulty.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My son is slipping down a black hole

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 18th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: My son is 10 years old. He had a problematic birth (had to be revived after an emergency C-section and his APGAR was low). Four years ago he was diagnosed ADD and has been on various medications (ritalin, adderol, etc.) ever since. He is also dyslexic and has exhibited low self-esteem stemming, we believe, from his difficulty in school (although he has matriculated through his academic years without failure).

Over the course of the last year he has begun exhibiting extreme emotional symptoms such as rage. He has what I call meltdowns which begin with childish behavior (whining, toddler-like temper tantrums), but which escalate into fits of “psychotic” rage.

Twice in the last week he has struck his mother (who is extraordinarily patient and loving with him) and expressed a desire to inflict bodily harm on me, not to mention telling us both he hates us and has no concern for our feelings. Invariably, he comes down from these spells, is very contrite, apologizes and seems genuinely disappointed in himself. A week of mostly good behavior during which he can be the sweetest, most loving boy (“you’re the best dad ever, pop!”) follows. But the meltdowns return, and they seem to be returning with a cyclical regularity.

I’m concerned that ADD was a misdiagnosis (the doctor who originally made the diagnosis shared anecdotes with my wife and me about his own ADD children and how drugs have helped them). I wonder if my son might be suffering from a more serious form of mental illness, and both my wife and I feel like he’s slipping down a black hole and we may never get him back if we don’t do something.
Please help.

I agree. There is more going on here than ADD. That being said, I don’t have enough information to give you a clear answer. You need to see someone who can. I suggest that you get a complete physical workup on your son and that you get a referral to both a neurologist and a child psychologist. Since he had to be revived after birth, there is a possibility that there was some brain damage that is not yet understood. Often children with some organic brain damage seem to get “worse” as they get older. This is because the academic and social demands get progressively more intense. It’s as if they hold it together as long as they can, then get exhausted and pop. He can’t help himself. A clue that this may be the case is that he doesn’t like what he is doing either.

Another possibility is that there may be what are called “absence seizures.” These are seizures that can’t be readily observed but are nonetheless affecting his behavior.

If he is medically and neurologically fine, I would then take him to a child psychologist for some testing. The psychologist will probably ask you and your wife to keep some detailed charts of your son’s behavior, especially since you have an idea that there is a cyclical dimension to it. By keeping careful data of when the tantrums happen, what they look like, what happens before and after each one, and how long they last, you may see some patterns that will help pin down a diagnosis.

Please don’t wait any longer to get these evaluations done. At 10, your son still wants your approval. This is the time to intensify your efforts to get a good diagnosis and appropriate treatment so that your son can be at his best and so that you can all enjoy each other as a family.

I wish you all well.
Dr. Marie

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My Terminally Ill Boyfriend Can’t Handle My ADHD Son

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 14th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I am a single mother with a 9 year old son with ADHD. I have been raising him on my own with little to no help from his father since he was born. 2 years ago I met my boyfriend who has terminal cancer. My boyfriend and I have a great relationship except we can’t see eye to eye on the way I raise my son. His father is no help as he has actively defied all of my requests to help discipline my child and teach him responsibility.

My boyfriend has enough stress with his illness and can’t handle any extra stress. It has gotten to the point where my son is in danger of failing school for the 2nd year in a row, and my boyfriend is ready to leave. I don’t know what to do anymore. My son’s father has refused to participate in any counseling for my son, in correcting him when he gets in trouble at school even refuses to allow my son to attend a program that he desperately wants to do that will help him manage his ADHD because it is Christian based. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

My boyfriend has made many attempts over the last 2 years to bond with my son and be a positive role model in his life but my son continues to get in trouble at school and lie when he is home. I am dealing with a boyfriend who is stressed and depressed due to his medical condition, a son who struggles with ADHD everyday and an ex who refuses to co-parent. I am stuck in the middle and looking for some sort of guidance on what road to take. I don’t want to lose the man I love and I can not give up on my son. Please help.

What a difficult and stressful situation. Trying to juggle all these competing issues must be a terrible strain. Let’s see if I can help a little:

First things first. I always start with the person who is the most vulnerable. In this case it is your son. You are correct that it is important to deal with his issues now, before the teen years. ADHD is not a tragedy. It can be managed. Kids with ADHD do grow up to be successful in life. But they usually do need help learning how to manage their own thoughts and behaviors.

It seems to me that there has to be some recourse for you for getting treatment for your son. Talk to the special education department in your school system to see what other parents have done when divorced parents don’t agree. Consult with a parent advocate for parents of kids with special needs about your rights. (Your school system should be able to provide a list of qualified advocates.) If the problem for the father is that the program you’ve investigated is Christian-based, do consider alternatives. There may be equally good programs in your area. Ask the school counselor for advice. Further, I hope your son is benefiting from an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) through the special education program at his school. If not, do get that process going right away.

Meanwhile, reassure your son that you know it is hard to have ADHD, but that you also know that he is a smart kid who can start to figure out how to handle it. There are some excellent books for kids that speak to the issue. Explore the book sellers’ websites for ideas. Perhaps the two of you can read them together.

At 9, your son is old enough to understand the facts about your boyfriend’s illness — and to know how hard the situation is for you. Remind him that part of growing up is to take other people’s feelings into account as much as he can.

You can’t make your son’s father cooperate. What you can do is help your son understand that there are often different rules in different situations. The rules in the classroom, for example, are different from the rules on the playground. There may be rules at your house that are different from his father’s rules. That’s okay. Another part of growing up is figuring out what to do in each environment. Talk it over with your son. I bet he already knows what to do where. Emphasize that you have faith in him that he can do it.

As for the stress on your boyfriend: Please consider relieving him of all responsibility for being an active co-parent. It’s enough that he care about the boy and respond positively whenever he can when there are natural interactions. That’s all. It will reduce his stress if you take on dealing with the school, the child’s responsibilities at home, and discipline.

Get out of the middle by refusing to be there. Don’t ask your boyfriend to parent. Make it clear to your son that you are his responsible and loving parent and you expect him to go by your rules while at home and at school. Instead of fighting with you ex, call in some help from the school and, if necessary, a lawyer.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My daughter is crazy and dragging her siblings with her

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 13th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Ok where should I start, my daughter is recently 17 years old, and she is out of control.We live in New York City with her little brother and sister. My husband of 19 years is a very busy CEO who is only home about once every 2 weeks or so since he travels for business.I am a physician who recently switched to private pratice to have more time with my children. Recently my daughter has been acting crazy, she doesn’t listen to me anymore, she dresses like a rock and roll slut, and leaves home for sometimes days, and everytime I ask her a question she curses at me in front of the other kids.

One day I decided to take action since grounding her doesn’t work, I listened to a friend and decided to hit her, and she hit me back and bruised my face. She attends a private school and I hear her talking on the phone with her friends saying that she dreams about becoming a stripper (WHY!!??). I have threatened to throw her out and she seems happy, personally I rather not cause only god knows in whose house she would be staying in.

I listened to my friend and decided that maybe it’s just a phase and it would pass. It only has made it worse, I found out from the doorman that she has been going into my office and I was mortified to find that some prescriptions that I keep in my office for patients (Some patients can’t afford healthcare and me being a physican I know how hard it can be with this healthcare system, my patients come first before any type of payment, well she has been pilfering them, I searched her room and found marijuana and condoms, when confronted she laughed.

Her father only tells me that he’s too busy and to wait for his vacation. His solution is to give her money and she would be happy with me. Lastly I hired a private investiagator to follow my daughter, and he sent me pictures of her going to a horrible neighborhood in New York City where I would’nt dream about stepping foot in. My little baby was with some guy that looked like he came out of jail. we have tried to go to a therapist, but she just says no.

To my suprise I ran to her school, and found that her grades were exceptional and she even received a scholarship and has been accpeted to a number of universities.

Is my husband right, should I just give her money so she can be my friend like she used to0 be. We used to go shopping all the time, now she hates me and my second daughter is slowly becoming like her pretending to smoke cigarettes and color her hair. Also my son is being called gay by the both of them, and he is only 9, I heard that he might turn gay if they keep calling him gay.

Is she lost for good I don’t understand the good grades and the irrational behavior. I dont want to give her up to foster care even though she’s 17 and I cannot move my husband won’t allow it.
What should I do.

The first thing you should do is stop listening to your friends and your husband. None of them are giving you good advice. There are many highly qualified family therapists in your city. Find one who specializes in families with adolescents and go – by yourself at first. You need the support and guidance of someone who has the training and experience to give you good help. Don’t try to get your daughter to go with you. It will only mean another fight. You and the therapist can strategize together how to engage her later on.

It seems to me that your daughter is pushing the limits and pushing them hard to see what will get her parents to work together to help her. She’s a bright, accomplished young woman who is playing a dangerous game to get your attention. Your husband may be a successful businessman but he isn’t a smart father. Children and teens don’t wait for it to be convenient for us to be their parents. Throwing money at the situation will only confirm for her that she’s not important enough to him to deal with personally.

As for you: Your relationship with your daughter needs healing, not hitting. Playing detective and making threats won’t bring you closer. Neither will shopping. She needs your time, attention, and sincere interest in her life. She needs you to love her, love her, love her – and to show her that you will continue to love her no matter what. The same goes for your younger daughter.

People don’t become gay because someone calls them names. People discover their sexuality; they don’t choose it. They especially don’t choose it as a reaction to someone else’s bad behavior. At 9 years old, your son is probably hurt more by his sisters ganging up on him than by what specifically they call him. That has to stop. Your therapist may be able to give you some ideas for that problem as well.

You made an important first step by writing to us here at Psych Central. Please take the next one. Find a family therapist and put in the time and the effort to save your family.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Do I Have a Personality Disorder?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 11th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a 50 year old woman in the U.S.: Mother sexually abused by her father, had schizophrenia or 2-3 other personalities, and was abused by her aunt as a teen, not sexually, but sounds like all other ways. My dad abused me in every way I can remember, except sexually, but often wonder about it as I wet the bed until 8 years old and remember almost nothing before the start of kindergarten, and now at 50 yrs. old, some personality disorder (BPD/DID) just came outta nowhere with 5 personalities so far.

Family denies this abuse ever happened too! My husband seems to think I musta been sexually abused. I haven’t been able to trust any man in my life and always feel I’m being used just for sex or that there’s some other motive behind why they even wanna be with me. I remember my dad and mom having physical battles when a child due to him being a violent alcoholic who was hanging out in strip joints, which made mom really mad, and I now despise “strippers in general” to this day. I forbid my husband to enter such a place or I’ll leave him. I’ll never put up with that in my lifetime.

I’ve seen several doctors over the years, but nothing has ever helped. Attempted suicide 2 times in the past. Mom never seemed to like me much as the oldest child and I feared my dad. We haven’t talked in 3 years now.

Well before me, my husband worked as a bouncer in a strip joint and knocked up a few of them; 3 kids total. I wasn’t happy to hear this news, and now I get furious even if strippers come on a TV Movie we’re watching, but can’t figure out why? At 18, dad found out I was no longer a virgin, called me a slut, whore, and physically abused me, which was the last incident as I threatened to call the police.

My dad always compared my body to my mom’s too. My mom was chubby…I was a rock hard gymnast back then. My mom hated this and me over this. Got depression and bad anxiety now at 50. Prozac went from 20 mg up to 60 mg and doesn’t always work anymore.

Can sex abuse be ruled out? Any ideas about why I hate my parents so much and vice versa? You feel some personality disorder has started now at 50?

What a difficult, difficult history. I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter, of course. But I can agree with you that you need and deserve treatment. Regardless of whether there was a specific incident of sexual abuse by your father (and there may have been), you have had repeated traumatic experiences. I’m very sorry you didn’t get some help for that a long time ago.

You didn’t mention whether you saw a psychologist for the diagnosis of DID. I hope so. You have a complicated and stressful background. Self-diagnosis is a good place to start. But you need it confirmed by a professional who can hear your whole story and who can help you make sense of your own very individual and specific responses to your history. I think you then need to work with a therapist who has experience with trauma.

You made an important step in writing to us here at LifeHelper. I hope you will follow through and get the evaluation and treatment you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How Do I Deal with Auditory Hallucinations?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 6th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I am 31 years old and female. When I was 23 I would work at a retail store night shift, would hear mumbling, laughing, vulgarity and talking all night, at the time I assumed it was just other people or co workers working in the aisle next to me. I would go outside and smoke at 3 am in the morning, the parking lot was empty, would still hear them, but, no one was there. Parking lot was empty. This happened night after night.

At the same time when I was around 23 I would get up in the middle of the night and hear music playing, would walk outside of my apartment, knock on neighbors door, I guess no one had music on. During this time in my life I would have these experiences maybe for a few weeks, on occasion a once out of six month thing.

When I was 26 my dad died, I became more depressed, and hearing voices became something that started happening more frequently. Over the years, I feel like, its just been getting worse, its a rare day when I don’t hear them honestly.
It’s like spending years having 2 people talking in the other room, constantly being watched.

It’s always the same 2 people but I don’t know who they are. One is an old male and the other is a middle aged female. They often laugh and talk to one another, vulgarity, profanity, mocking, they might comment to each other regarding something I do. During times when im “less stressed” I hear them but its very distant the background, like 2 people talking behind closed doors. When I am more stressed, I tend to hear them very loudly, and its persistent.

Some days when I get home from work all I do is listen to loud music the entire night to drown them out. I tend to struggle with social phobia. They never really talk to me directly or tell me what to do, they always talk to one another in third person, but, its constantly the feeling of being watched, all the time. I don’t really know what to make of things, I know this has been going on for a long time and I’ve ignored it because I’ve been afraid that if I tried to talk to anyone there’s no real help available anyaway.

Honestly, I’m agnostic, sometimes I feel like they could be ghosts, sometimes I feel like maybe I’m just depressed and its a chemical embalance in my brain, honestly I don’t care at this point, I just want them to go away. Lately I’ve just started drinking in order to deal with it, which, isn’t a healthy pattern in my life. I’ve thought about going to “couseling”…but im afraid of feeling like an idiot and I don’t know if I should take that step or not, I’d almost rather initially address the issue annonymously where I don’t have to feel embarrassed (too much) via online question.

It’s just at the point in my life where I can’t ignore it anymore I feel. Just would appreciate a feed back, opinions, not really sure what to do or how to approach this. Wondering if anti depressants might help improve things?

I’m sorry for writing so much for a simple question, I just would like any professional advice on how to deal with this, its effecting my life, I honestly dont want them in my life anymore. Please respond it would be greatly appreciated.

This isn’t a simple question and there is no need to apologize. I think you know what I’m going to say: Go get professional help! You’ve been trying to deal with this on your own for years and it hasn’t worked. Drinking may be a way to “self-medicate”, but it won’t help resolve the core problem either. You need the practical help, support and encouragement of an expert.

No professional therapist is going to think you are an “idiot”. Therapists don’t judge people. Our job is to help them. In your case, I urge you to see a licensed psychologist and/or a psychiatrist. People with that level of training are more likely to have the know-how to help you. If the psychiatrist you see only provides medication, not talk therapy too, then please also see a psychologist. You deserve to have someone in your corner who can help you deal with the current situation as well as your past experiences with these voices. Please. Really. Make an appointment with a psychologist today. You deserve it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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She can’t stop talking about her problems

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 5th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am driving my boyfriend and myself crazy because I can’t stop talking about my own mental health issues. I am constantly analyzing, analyzing, analyzing, and then before I even realize what I’m doing I’m asking for my boyfriend’s input on my problem and why it’s there, what to do to change it, how much it upsets me, whether we’re going to be okay or not, whether he thinks it’s going to impact my life in terrible ways or not. And then I say, “I know I’m talking about this way too much. I’ll shut up now.” But then, 10 minutes later, I’m talking about it again. And then I say the same thing — “Sorry, I’ll shut up now.” I can’t even sit through movies without thinking about it. My whole day my mind wanders to my issues.

I try to distract myself, but a lot of times, nothing else even interests me and I can’t keep my focus. My mind just keeps wandering back to my problems. But constantly analyzing my problems, I feel, makes my problems stay my problems.

I just got out of a 7-month stint of therapy. I lost insurance so I can’t afford to go back and my new work schedule prevents me from seeking treatment anyway (9-5, M-F). Besides, I feel like going to a therapist again would just feed into this problem. That’s what always happens. After I finish therapy, I am usually more stuck in my head than I was before. But I like therapy. It’s like an addiction, talking about this stuff over and over. I tried to explain this to my therapist but she wasn’t very helpful, or maybe I didn’t explain myself very well. What IS this problem, anyway? Is this a part of my OCD?

Last night was really, really bad (all night long, it was all I could talk about, even though I was clearly being annoying), and I’m afraid my boyfriend will leave me if I don’t cut it out.

HELP ME!

This has to be sooo frustrating. Despite your best efforts, you haven’t been able to manage this on your own. You may be right on target thinking that what you are experiencing is a symptom of OCD. Many people mistakenly think that OCD is only about hand washing or checking things over and over or putting things obsessively in order. But OCD has many forms and differs from individual to individual. In some people, and maybe for you, it takes the form of repetitive, unwanted thoughts. It’s certainly worth getting an evaluation to see if this applies to you.

All therapy is not alike. If you’re right that OCD is the culprit, going over your childhood experiences or analyzing your current situation probably isn’t going to help. If that’s the diagnosis, I would suggest a two-pronged approach: See a psychiatrist about some medication (yes, there is medication that helps tone down OCD) and find a cognitive behavioral therapist who can teach you about “thought stopping.” You live in a very big city. I’m reasonably certain that you can find a clinic that offers a sliding fee scale and that has evening and weekend hours.

I hope you follow through, both for your own sake and the sake of your relationship. Your boyfriend has been terrific so far but I agree, if you don’t start to handle your problem differently, he could start to wonder if he wants to sign on for a lifetime of listening to your issues.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Her dad tells her his secrets

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 2nd, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

About 5 years ago when i was just 16, my father confided in me that he was secretly married to another woman and had had already had two children with her (it’s not uncommon for muslim men in the UAE to have more than one wife). Ever since he told me his “secret” i have felt so guilty because i love my mom and i’m keeping this secret from her, when she should know. I have thought about telling her, but i don’t want to be the one to ruin the family. That, and i’m scared of my dad because, well he’s a scary guy (a whole different subject on the abuse and unfair treatment).

My older sister already left claiming that my dad had sexually abused her (which i don’t believe because it’s not like a sexual abuser to target one child only and i’ve never been abused that way, just physical.)

My dad confides in me, all the time. He hasn’t hit me lately, maybe he’s afraid that i’ll snap and tell my mom? I know that the other children exist because he had me listen to one of his phone conversations and i also saw some pictures. He thinks that i’m the good one, the one that won’t leave and the one that won’t tell secrets. But i want to tell. All the time, he tells me, “that one day he’ll tell mama, but he just doesn’t want to hurt her.”

What am i supposed to do? What can I do? It’s breaking me apart, i’m so emotional all the time, i cry for no reason whatsoever. I don’t want my mama to be mad at me for keeping such a big secret and for being the one to tell her.

Your father should be ashamed for putting you in such a terrible position. You have very good reasons to be upset. No child, no matter what the age, should have to choose between parents like this. Let me remind you that you are not the one who is “ruining” the family. Your father has made a choice that he knows will bring unhappiness to your mom. That is not your fault. Your mom knows what kind of man she is married to. It’s unlikely she will blame you for holding a secret because you are afraid.

I’m very concerned for your safety. You are mistaken in believing that abusers won’t target only one child. Sometimes they move from one child to another. Now that your sister has left, your father seems to be cultivating a relationship with you. He separates you from your mom by both “confiding” in you and by scaring you. Please listen to your sister and learn what he did to her so that you can protect yourself if you need to.

Whether or not your mother knows of the other family, she already does know that her husband is a violent man and that he probably molested your sister and that he mistreated you. She may be as afraid to confront him as you are. I don’t know enough about your country to know how to advise you. I hope there is an older relative or friend you can turn to who can help. In the meantime, please keep yourself safe.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My boyfriend is having an affair with drugs.

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 30th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve been with my fiancee for 4 years. We had a rough start because he was a wild child, but he started to settle down and commit to me and not cheat. i went off to college about 2 hours from home and he moved up here for me. i know he loves me, but he doesn’t show me in the way i do. i don’t know if it’s me that i over react or if it really is him.

He seems to have abuse drugs. He smokes marijuana everyday. When he gets up, multiple times at work, and multiple times after work, then right before bed. I dont like the kind of people that he is associated with when he smokes. I always comment on how i don’t understand why he has to smoke w/other people while he can be spending time with me. It takes up all my time, and he rather go off and smoke w/someone on his lunch break than spending the 15 mins with me, after i drove all the way to see him. He seems dependent on weed or pills like zanax and it seems like he is dependent on them. He has trouble when he drinks also, because he could care less about me and doesn’t know when to stop drinking. He says such awful things and gets
violent, but he always has to apologize for it later.

He has anger problems, and i don’t know when he’s going to be the sweet one that will sit and listen and wipe my tears away, or get mad and try and kick me out of the house and tell me he’s done. This goes on soo much and i am tired of not being heard because i’m scared of his reaction. but i love him soo much and i just give in and be quiet because i dont want him to leave me. He doesn’t seem to think what i say is important. he says we fight and argue about the same things, but we never resolve things so i have to continue to say things that i think matter to me. how can i make him see that these things are important, like him stop or limiting drug use, or who he hangs out with. he says he’ll stop smoking and drinking and will do it for a lil but he can’t commit. and i feel if he keeps making these promises that he can’t keep then is he ready to commit to me? i’m soo confused, and don’t know what’s worth fighting for even if i’ve been fighting for 4 years.

It’s time you faced it: Your boyfriend loves weed, drugs, alcohol, and his friends more than you. He is headed for drug rehab, jail or death. The moments of sweetness aren’t worth the stress and fear and loneliness of being with him.

You’ve been with this guy since you were only 15 years old. My guess is that you haven’t had other, more positive experience, and you are afraid to let go. Somehow you have convinced yourself that half a loaf is better than none. It’s not. You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you, who wants to spend time with you, and who is creating a grown up life for himself and the one he loves.

You are in college now. There’s a whole world of decent men available to you who have dreams and ambition and who are getting an education. Lose this loser. Gather up your courage, start dating, take your time and find yourself a good person to be with.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Friend Has Overtaken Home, Relationship

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 29th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My partner and I have been together for 6 years now, we have had a good relationship. We have a house together and we have plans for the future. A year ago he agreed to let a friend of his move in with us temporarily because he was injured and could not work. This was only supposed to be for a few months. In the first months with us he lived on welfare and was a slob. I was patient and once he was able to get a job the three of us agreed he was going to pay a modest rent every month. He lost his job shortly afterwards and continued to live with us for basically free for some time until he finally found more work. By that time he owed us quite a bit of money in bills. He would spend his money on booze and video games instead of paying his share of the bills and never put a lot of effort to finding a good job he could support himself on.
I started getting fed up a few months ago and discussed with my spouse several times that his friend needs to smarten up or leave. Every time my spouse would confront his friend about money he owes us or his playing video games all day, he would make stupid excuses or claim that he was trying. He would also try to bring up things I was supposedly doing wrong instead of just admitting he’s done anything wrong himself. I believe he is manipulative and lazy and is just trying to continue to not have any responsibility and get a free ride. He accused me of trying to starve him out recently.

He has now been living with us for a year and two months. He owes us close to a grand in over due bills. Every time I approach my spouse about this he says I’m being selfish and heartless for wanting to get rid of his friend and that im being a nag. He says that he feels equally upset but is trying to do the right thing. Meanwhile he is just being played by someone who is supposed to be his friend. My spouse has actually given his friend several warnings with deadlines and conditions but eventually lets it go. Which is I’m sure why his friend continues to do not follow through.
We had one huge fight about it a few weeks ago after which I let it go for a while because my spouse was having work problems and had additional stress. Since then nothing has changed.

Essentially for the last while I have started to question our relationship. I catch myself thinking about leaving him or what it would be like to be on my own. I’m worried that I have emotionally checked myself out of the relationship and that my spouse does not understand my needs or feelings, or realizes he is being played. It makes me feel like he is more concerned about his friend than about our relationship. Even though I’ve told him many times that I am not okay with our situation. I keep wondering if he is right? Am I being selfish? Am I wrong about this ? I don’t want to lose our relationship. I do love my partner, but I can’t help but thinking that leaving is my only option to get him to wake up. I have not told him I’ve thought about leaving yet. I’m also worried that if I leave he won’t try to reconcile at all. I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank you

What a disappointment your partner must be to you at this point. You’re right that the problem is not with the moocher who is living off you. Your problem is in your relationship. The fact that you are worried that if you leave, your boyfriend won’t work to get you back is a huge red flag. Your instincts are that he cares more about the relationship with his friend than he does about your feelings. Either that, or he is so afraid of conflict with anyone except you that he can’t bring himself to deal with the so-called friend who is using you both.

From what you’ve said, you’ve been more than generous in your efforts to help a friend. After over a year of tolerating his behavior, it’s way past time for him to move on – either to be on his own or to go to his family or another friend. You’ve done more than enough. Chances are you will never see what he owes you. It is one of those hard lessons about why boundaries and written contracts are important when loaning other people money.

I suggest you sit your spouse down and tell him clearly that you’re done. If he won’t hear you, there is one other option besides immediately moving out. You can tell him that if he won’t go to a couples counselor to sort things out, you will see a lawyer about how to separate amicably. A couples counselor may be able to help you two figure out what went so wrong and how to reclaim your relationship. If you still love him, it’s at least worth a try.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How Do I Stop Escalating the Self-Harm?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 28th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in England: I’ve had a problem with self-harm for a long time. It started when I was about 13 and I would just repeatedly punch myself in the face and slam myself into furniture to leave bruises all over my body. Adoring the attention people would give me as I got the reputation of being clumsy so others would get things for me, lift heavy items for me or hold my arm so I wouldn’t trip.

This was innocent enough but as the years progressed I began to want more. With me forcing myself to vomit over the floor so others would have to clean it up, throwing myself down a flight of stairs, drinking nail varnish remover, breaking my own nose by slamming it into a wall too hard, pouring boiling hot water from the kettle onto my arm, not eating or drinking for days to make myself faint, I also have become a frequent cutter and have scars littering my arms and legs.

You’d think I’d feel ashamed of my actions but in actuality, I just feel very proud of it all. I love seeing myself like this to the point I’ll stare at my scars in the mirror for hours. I do know deep down this isn’t healthy and I don’t know why exactly I’m doing it since I hate the pain, it’s the results I’m after. Most likely it is for attention. I was sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old so that could tie into it but I’m not sure.

I have been considering seeking help for my behaviour as I know it’ll just continue to escalate as recently I’ve been getting the urge to cut off my own fingers and to drink bleach. I’m just not sure what I can do to get help or if I even have a mental illness as in all other aspects of my life I function pretty normally.

As worrisome as this all is, it makes sense to me. You were sexually assaulted when you were 8. I don’t know what kind of help you got at that time but whatever it was, it wasn’t enough. You are still sending up flares – looking for help. You didn’t have enough language/vocabulary at the time to ask for the help and nurturing and caretaking you needed so you did what kids do, you started acting out your need instead of talking about it. Unfortunately, that need is like an emotional black hole inside. Nothing anyone around you can do is enough to take care of the little girl inside who is still hurting so, so much.

What you need is not, not, not a more dangerous method for hurting yourself. What you need is for someone to really hear that hurt little girl and to give her (and her parents) the tools she needs to heal. There are therapists who specialize in helping young women like yourself heal from trauma and move on in life.

I hope you have parents who can help you. If so, share your letter and this response with them. Ask them to help you find a therapist who specializes in trauma and teens.

If your parents are not the kind of folks who respect therapy, consider talking with your school counselor about how to get help. Since you are internet savvy, you could also do your own research to find local mental health clinics or practices that offer free or low cost treatment to women who have experienced sexual assault.

Please follow through. You need and deserve the help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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