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Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is now retired, but was licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specialized in couples and family therapy, as well as parent education.

11 years old and in distress

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

what is wrong with me? i think it might be ocd but im not sure. i have a fear of going outside in my yard to the point where im almost housebound. the only places i can go out is in an completely enclosed area w a fence. i also have a big fear of being thought of as weak or stupid by strangers and try my best to make a “good impression” and i do not like being around the opposite sex. i am like completely obsessed w this girl i do not even know and i think about her way too much. thinking about her causes a lot of jealousy becouse she likes someone else. i was recently in a store and just went kind if crazy i held on to the cart and said to my family “do not touch the cart or anything in it” i did not want them to touch it because i imagined two levels of use on either side of the cart and i had to have them even for some reason. i had to tap both sides and rock the cart to get it even. it made me very angry when people touched it. it caused me a lot of anxiety. i am an aspiring artist and musician but sometimes i worry that my work will never get discovered and i doubt myself a lot. i am only in 6th grade but sometimes i think about suicide. my parents say just to get over it but i cant. i often fight w my mom. she does not believe me. i also have sexual images and religious images that cause me a lot of stress. i say the same prayer every night and if i dont i think someting bad will happen. i cannot look at or have anything to do w certain numbers and im obsessed w the number 3. i say things 3 times to make somw thoughts go away. i hate being 11 and hate being around people who are older than me even only by a year. i wish it would all stop and would like an answer. what is wrong with me?!

I’m very glad you wrote. And I’m very sorry that life is so hard for you right now. You are obviously a particularly smart and thoughtful guy. Your letter reads like someone much older. I hope you can use those smarts to learn ways to help yourself.

Here’s what I think: You are mixing up some stuff that is very normal (being obsessed with the girl, being worried that your work isn’t good enough, fighting with mom) with things that maybe aren’t (needing things to be completely even, upset by numbers, thinking something bad will happen if you don’t say exactly the same prayer). That adds a lot to your distress. Not that normal teen stuff isn’t stressful. It just helps sometimes to know that you’re dealing with the same stuff as the next guy.

As for the other stuff: I can’t give you a final answer type diagnosis on the basis of a letter, of course. But I can tell you that the things that are most distressing are possibly symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). If you do have OCD, it makes sense that ordinary teen issues are getting inflated to the point where they can feel unbearable. And it makes sense that you have trouble being around other people and in places where you don’t feel safe.

The good news is that OCD is treatable. There are medications that tone it down. And some talk therapy will help you learn how to manage it. Furthermore, many people “outgrow” it during their teens and early 20s.

Please talk to your mother about making an appointment for you to see a mental health professional to get a complete evaluation. Perhaps showing her this letter will help. There is no need to go through your teens with this kind of inner stress. A counselor can refer you to a prescriber for medication and can help you and your parents learn some practical strategies to help you take charge of the obsessions and compulsions.

Meanwhile, if you ever have those suicidal thoughts again, please keep this number handy: 800-448-3000. That’s the Boys Town National Hotline. There are counselors there 24/7 who will talk to any young person who is in distress.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is it okay to seek emotional intimacy outside my marriage?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Recently I have been suffering from moderate depression and what might be characterized by a mid-life crisis. I’m just feeling like the life I’ve built no longer seems to fit my needs, that some of my core beliefs have been challenged and I am now going through the process of evaluation. I am not satisfied with my career progress or lack thereof. I am not satisfied with my marriage and in general just am not happy with life. I know that I am the one in control of my personal happiness so I have been searching for ways to improve myself, my attitude, and my awareness of what I need. However this quest has lead to some confusion and the question of appropriate boundaries of marriage.

I’m finding myself drawn to explore my religious beliefs, my philosophical beliefs, my emotional needs. My husband is not interested in sharing in this exploration. We have never been emotionally intimate and over the past few years have simply grown to be different people. At this point I am totally confused about what I want or need, so I am not ready to disrupt my family to pursue the unknown. However, I really want to engage in self exploration and interact with people on a deeper level. My question for you is, Is it OK to seek emotional intimacy outside your marriage. I know physical intimacy outside of marriage is unacceptable but what about fulling your emotional needs to with others who are more interested sharing and exploring what makes them tick.

As you know, it’s not at all unusual for people in their 40s to re-evaluate their lives. It’s a time for recommitting to our life-course or considering changes and whether we are willing to take the risks that such changes involve. For most of us, any change we consider will have impact on people around us. The potential consequences of our choices are part of the equation.

Every marriage has its “contract” about what is and isn’t okay; what behavior is kept only inside the circle of the marriage and what isn’t. To unilaterally change the terms is a violation of that contract and a betrayal of trust.

Many married couples have vastly different interests, different friends, and different religious and philosophical beliefs. They see those differences as what makes their marriage interesting and rich. Married people can agree to support each other in seeking certain kinds of intimacy elsewhere. Explicit or tacit but clear agreement is the key to the stability of the marriage. It’s secrets and lies that shatter the foundation of the relationship and emotionally wounds the other person.

You are asking the wrong person about what is acceptable for your marriage. You need to be asking your husband. My hope is that you and your husband will take some time at this point in your lives to really talk about how to pursue getting both of your needs met while still sustaining a long marriage. You have already shared a major part of your adult lives together. My bias is that it’s worth it to at least make the effort to see if you can make it work for the long haul.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My stepson hates me!

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My stepson is 10 years old and my step daughter is 4. The girl and I are very close, she receives discipline for anything she does wrong though. By me and/or her father. The boy on the other hand hates me. He always askes why I am here, that things were better before I came around. Well now I feel like that. What am I here for to be hated? The boy has been in trouble at school and at home. He hits things, he yells, talks back, talks very hateful to everyone including his sister. He constantly puts up a fight for everything. Taking a bath and getting him in the bed takes nearly 4-5 hours. It is ridiculous. He talks so horrible to me it makes me cry. The father and I constantly fight because he doesn’t discipline him but he does the girl. I am at the end of my wits. Every day is miserable. The mother too is fed up and doesn’t even want to see him because he acts so horrible. I can’t even take him to a store. I try to discipline him but his dad lets him off and soon as he gets home. This makes the stepson hate me worse. What can I do? How can I discipline him or talk to the dad? I am just ready to leave. I love kids, but this drives me crazy. I need him to be disciplined as equally as his sister is. How can I make this happen? Please help me! (The boy sees a psychologist and there is nothing wrong with him but ODD thats not treatable with medicine)

I don’t know why your husband is helping his son make the women in his life miserable. Perhaps he feels that men should be able to do what they want. Maybe he is letting the boy fight his battles for him. Or maybe he is overwhelmed by the idea of raising a son so has abdicated all responsiblity. Whatever his reasons, if he doesn’t make some changes, your husband could end up with a second divorce, children who don’t like each other very much, and a son in trouble with school and maybe the law. You are only 18 and have a stepson who is more than half your age! This marriage will only work if you and your husband have the same requirements for the children, icluding requiring respect for your authority as one of the adults in the family.

As hard as things are with the boy, your real problem is with your husband. Fighting with him about disciplining his son is a major distraction from the main issue which is the lack of partnership in the marriage. You and your husband should be working on how to be a team and how to make a healthy household in which to raise these children. Drop the fight about discipline for now and focus instead on how the two of you are going to work together to make a family. If your husband isn’t willing to do this, it may be that he wasn’t ready to remarry. In that case, you will both have some hard decisions to make.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is This Just Anxiety?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young man in the U.S.:  i am constantly rubbing my hands together, i talk to myself in my head and always think someone is talking to me is this normal? ive went to 3 drs and they said its just anxiety

There is no “just” to anxiety on the level you are experiencing. I’m glad you talked to doctors to find out what is troubling you. But a diagnosis is just the beginning of the journey to feel better. Anxiety can be treated. You don’t have to continue to feel this way.

I hope you will make an appointment to see a psychologist or counselor who specializes in anxiety disorders. Together, you will talk about what approach would be best for you.

Usually (but not always), some medication is helpful to help bring the level of anxiety down so you can then benefit from talk therapy. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are often prescribed to provide some relief.

During talk therapy, you’ll look at whether you can change some of the choices you are making in how you live your life. For example, if you are not allowing yourself enough sleep time, you will be more vulnerable to stress. If you aren’t getting any exercise, you aren’t giving yourself a healthy way to discharge some of that anxious energy. Caffeine and drug or alcohol abuse can also contribute to anxiety.

If your job is what makes you feel so upset, maybe there are creative ways to either reduce the stress on the job or maybe it’s time to think of moving on to another one. Or maybe problems with relationships are upsetting you. If that’s part of the picture, you and your therapist can also talk about that.

You and your therapist will discuss ways to improve your ability to cope. No matter how much we might wish it were not so, stress is an inevitable part of life. Everyone in the U.S. (indeed around the world) is under more stress lately because of the pandemic, politics, and economics these days. You can’t make all that go away but you can learn ways to change the intensity of your reaction to it.

Research has found that Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is highly effective for treating anxiety. disorders. CBT helps you identify and change thoughts that are getting in your way and helps you learn strategies for controlling your stress. You can find out more about CBT by searching on the Internet.

Finally, you can teach yourself some new strategies as well. Consider reading up on mindfulness and meditation practices and see if there is one that appeals to you.

There are a number of articles about treatment of anxiety disorders on this site. I hope you will take a look.

I’m very glad you wrote to us. You deserve to feel less stressed. I hope you will follow through with some of these suggestions. Most people who get treatment do feel appreciably better.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Looking for LGBTQ Drug Rehab

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Discharged from US Navy in 2001 “as a covenience to the government” and diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder w/Schizoid Features. Went home and started using meth on a regular basis, soon selling drugs to support my habit. Busted with two ounces of cocaine in 2001 and sentenced to 5 years intensive probation and a class 2 felony. After failing a number of drug tests, I was arrested for violation of the terms of my probation and stayed in jail for five months until a bed at a local state run drug treatment facility opened up. Stayed clean after graduating the program for 2 and a half years. The day I got off probation, I began using again like I had never stopped. In March of 2011 I was pulled over for driving on a suspended license and arrested. I had 1.75 grams of meth in my right pocket. On December 5th, I was sentenced to Drug Court Probation. I drop six times a week and go to alot of recovery related groups through my mental health care provider. I am waiting once again on a bed at the same state run drug treatment facility. I am pretty sure that you folks can’t help me, because to get quality drug treatment for the most part you must have lots of money.

I want to know why there are not more gay/lesbian oriented treatment centers in this country? If it’s the last thing I accomplish in life, I will complete treatment again, get my master’s in clinical psychology, and open a much needed drug treatment center targeted at the gay population and make it affordable or an option for anyone who wants the help.

In addition to BPD, I am diagnosed with PTSD and Severe Depressive Disorder and Bipolar NOS. The latter conditions developed most likely as a result of my substace abuse and failure to get help for BPD. When I was a child my dad’s girlfriend molested my brother and I and made us do horrible things to one another cause I guess it got her off. My mother got sole custody, married the Grand Dragon of the KKK in our city and we moved away.

My stepfather caught me with another little boy when I was maybe seven and decided he could cure me of my homosexuality type behaviour by making me take off all my clothing and throwing me outside the front door of our home in a suburban neighborhood as I cried and screamed and pounded on the front door to be let back in. Within a few minutes I had attracted the attention of some kids on bikes who began to throw rocks and laugh at me. It was bad..whenever I had a sexual thought about a boy after that I would punch myself in the head and hope it would go away. I never really accepted my sexuality until leaving the Navy at 23. And as much as I want to believe I was born gay, I will always wonder if that sick b who did that to me and my brother is the only reason I am gay. It just makes sense that gay themed treatment centers would be better for someone like myself to successfully recover.

You’re right that having a therapist who you feel understands you is key to successful treatment. I applaud you for wanting to use your own experiences to help others. Needless to say, you need to get yourself together before you can be successful.

The kind of center you wish for may not be available but there are certainly good therapists who can relate to you. Go to this link to find gay-friendly treatment.

Terrible things were done to you when you were a child. They undoubtedly had impact on your sense of self and your ability to deal with the world. It’s likely that your history of drug abuse is at least partly an attempt to self-medicate in order to get away from the pain. But as you’ve already found, it doesn’t really work. It may make you feel better for a time but it is getting in the way of longer-term peace of mind and success in life.

I hope you can find the inner strength and the outer supports to finally get substance abuse out of your life and to do the therapeutic work you need to do. Don’t let the lack of an LGBTQ center become the reason you don’t do it. There are good LGBTQ therapists in your city who can help you put together a comprehensive treatment program.

You still have well over half your life to go. With the right help and with personal commitment, you can make the next half better.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Homosexual dreams

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have had 2 homosexual dreams but I am only aroused by women. Gay thought keep coming to mind, but I truly hate it. What is wrong with me? I just woke up from a 2nd gay dream. In Dream 1, a man tried to have sex with me, after I followed a woman into a shower, but I ran away from the man. In Dream 2, I tried to kiss a girl but i ended up kissing my best friend (a dude), but in the dream I hated it also. I constantly have homosexual thoughts during the day but tune them out. They do not arouse me. I dream about women constantly and the thought of man on man action does not turn me on. I love my friend, but not in that way. Am I gay?

You are absolutely normal. At 18, it is usual to explore the full scope of your own sexuality. You are curious about all kinds of sex and you probably think about it a lot. It’s part of the natural sorting process that people go through if they will let themselves. Whether you are hetero or homosexual or something else will naturally come to you over time.

According to TeenHealth’s website, “As people pass from childhood into their teen years and beyond, their bodies develop and change. So do their emotions and feelings. During the teen years, the hormonal and physical changes of puberty usually mean people start noticing an increase in sexual feelings. It’s common to wonder and sometimes worry about new sexual feelings. It takes time for many people to understand who they are and who they’re becoming. Part of that involves better understanding of their own sexual feelings and who they are attracted to. During the teen years, people often find themselves having sexual thoughts and attractions. For some, these feelings and thoughts can be intense and seem confusing. That can be especially true for people who have romantic or sexual thoughts about someone who is the same sex they are. “What does that mean,” they might think. “Am I gay?” Being interested in someone of the same sex does not necessarily mean that a person is gay — just as being interested in someone of the opposite sex doesn’t mean a person is straight. It’s common for teens to be attracted to or have sexual thoughts about people of the same sex and the opposite sex. It’s one way of sorting through emerging sexual feelings. Some people might go beyond just thinking about it and experiment with sexual experiences with people of their own sex or of the opposite sex. These experiences, by themselves, do not necessarily mean that a person is gay or straight.”

“Why are some people straight and some people gay? There is no simple answer to that. Most medical experts, including those at the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and the American Psychological Association (APA), believe that sexual orientation involves a complex mix of biology, psychology, and environmental factors. Scientists also believe a person’s genes and hormones play an important role. Most medical experts believe that, in general, sexual orientation is not something that a person voluntarily chooses. Instead, sexual orientation is just a natural part of who a person is. There’s nothing wrong about being LGBT. Still, not everyone believes that. These kinds of beliefs can make things difficult for LGBT teens.”

Even when you’ve made a clear decision, there will be times when you will kind of try on other alternatives in your dreams and fantasies and thinking. It’s part of being human.

You don’t need to stress about it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Need Some Serious Help

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am a 26 male from India. I am extremely psychologically disturbed and don’t know what to do.

In early childhood at the age of around 8 I was introduced to sex by a cousin who was around 15/16. I did not thought much about it then but i engaged in some sexual activities. It did not felt wrong or right at that time because i was just 8. One more cousin did the same with me next year. I did not know if it was wrong or right. Then by teenage i had sexual experiments with two more distant cousins in one of which the other guy initiated but in one case i did. I dont know why i did it but i did.

The experiments ended when i reached 14-15 years of age. After that i locked those memories away and never thought about it.

When i came in college i had a gf whom i dint love nor did i want to be in the relationship with her. I even tld her upfront that i dint want to be with you. But she cried and insisted so much and moreover my friends too pressured me to be with her so i went into the relationship. As soon as college ended i terminated the relationship. After a year i met her again and there was a rebound relationship. After some time it again felt wrong to me so i again broke up with her. This time she attempted suicide and was in ICU for 3 days. her mother threatened police case but nothing happened and i thought to never get in a relation again.

After 3 years i fell for a very nice girl whom i used to know since school days. Everything was good. But once i shifted my room and there was this other girl living beside my room who helped me a lot initially and gave me much attention. I started ignoring my gf and would talk to her. This happened for 10-15 days after which my gf felt something was wrong and i started avoiding her. But once again i talked to her after 4-5 days gap. Then once it so happened that sexual tension arose between us, I hugged her, kissed only gently and when the moment came to advance to the next level, i immediately felt what am i doing and i withdrew myself from the situation and after that i never talked to her again.

This happened around a year ago and about 8 months into the relationship. But already my gf knew something was wrong, she would cry a lot and plead to tell her everything. But i was scared and thought if i tell her she would not believe me and relationship would end. So i kept her circling for 9 months thinking she would forget about it. But then one day it so happened that she said she would leave me so i told her only bits of it and told her nothing happened between me and her.

Over the next few months we would fight a lot and i would always tell her that i never did anything. Also i hadnt told her the whole thing about my ex gf to her that she had attempted suicide. Also once while she was ready to leave me, I told her a little about my childhood that i have been abused in the childhood but i dint tell her the names of those people and the whole thing. After that we w ould always fight about how i never tell her the whole thing about anything. I had lost her trust completely.

One day she was like this is it. Its over. Then desperately to be with her i told her each and everything. Also that i had a consensual casual sexual encounter with two more girls. Told her about the past, childhood everything, the other girl everything. I had never told anyone about those darker times as there is too much stigma attached to sexuality in india.

After that she hated me so much that i couldnt even say. She was mad, stopped talking. called her sister in office whom she lives with asking if she could die. I got scared, i live 250 frm where she is, i immediately booked a cab and went there but by that time i had also called up her sister to go to home and later she found out that my gf was ok. Later in night i talked to her sister and she told me never to contact them again. Again when once i talked to my gf she told me i am the worst person on this planet , i used her physically and mentally and people like me must not exist and many more things.

I never had any bad intensions towards her. I loved her a lot. After the breakup i was so disturbed i started developing personality disorder and blamed it on the other guy inside me. After some days that thing went away. But i cannot bear the guilt of the whole situation. I had always felt lonely my whole life but only when i was with her i felt ok. But now i feel so so lonely like i had never felt before.

I burst into tears every now and then, in room, class, road, anywhere. I dont want to become what i am. I want just a normal life like everyone else. I never intentioned to do anything wrong with her. I had already talked to my parents about her and they were ready. I was going to talk to her parents too but she wont believe even a single word i say. I am just fighting myself from within. What do i do to make my loneliness go away and have a normal mind again? How do i rectify what i wronged to her?

Your letter shows you to be a sensitive and intelligent guy. It’s to your credit that you want to right the wrongs to these women. But before you can do that, you have work you need to do on yourself. You were more hurt than you realize by the sexual encounters with older relatives when you were a child.

You were not at an age when you could consent. You were not at an age when you could make sense of the experience. You were manipulated into doing things you were not ready for. Sadly, that put a pattern into place: Sexuality is connected on some level in your mind with manipulation. You now find women who also manipulate you, this time with tears and threats.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what services are available in your country. I hope there are therapists who specialize in the long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse. You need to talk with someone who can help you untangle your past abuse so that you can find loving partners to love.

If you can’t find a therapist, please do read about childhood sexual abuse and post traumatic stress disorder. You might also find it helpful to contact an online therapist or to join an online support group.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Abusive Boss Is My Dad

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boss is my dad and he is mentally killing me. In 2012, my son and i stopped talking, i fell in love for the 1st time and he left me, my house burnt to the ground…all in one yr. my dad is my boss, I’m a single mom of 2, he’s a multi millionaire and pays me enough to live pay check to pay check, (10.00 per hour) i went to him told him why i’m so sad, and all he got out of my words was that i was after his money..when all i wanted was security. he and i have never been close, i don’t have a family, other than my kids…he talks to me like i’m a dog, his girlfriend’s daughter, my age, has not had a job in 12 yr. My mom died when i was 13. He has been real nasty and so mean for the last 8 mo. I take so many drugs from dr to help me…..if i quit, then he will never speak to me….if i stay, i’m afraid i will lose my mind. he hurts me with screaming cuss words everyday and wants me to work 7 days a week and only get paid for 40.

I’m so, so sorry for all the terrible things that have happened in your life. Sadly, it’s not going to change until you make some changes. You are living in a constant toxic situation. Although your loyalty to your dad may be seen by some as admirable, it really is killing you. All the drugs in the world aren’t going to help if you use them to help you tolerate an intolerable situation. If you can’t stop letting his treatment bother you, then you need to get out. If you have the desire to leave but not the strength, please consider seeing a therapist to help you. If you can’t afford a therapist, locate the domestic violence program in your area. They can probably offer you some assistance.

It certainly isn’t worth $10 an hour to stay in your father’s employ, especially when it comes with cuss words and nastiness. I don’t see why the idea that he won’t speak to you if you go is a threat. It seems to me it would be a relief. You can make the same or better money (and without the verbal abuse) doing almost anything. Almost anything will have better hours.

I worry that your self-esteem has taken such a beating that you don’t think you can do anything else. You can. Remind yourself of the dreams you had as a young person. Start looking for other work — any other work — just to get free. Then look for classes to develop some new skills. Once you are on your feet, you can start looking for work that more closely matches your interests and talents.

At 40, you still have a long life ahead. It’s up to you to make the next half of your life different.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Communication Issues with Partner

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Germany: My partner and I are having a lot of issues communicating. She feels she can’t communicate with me as I am defensive and that I keep trying to talk my way out of issues and blame her for everything. She feels I am not mature and act like a child. (I’m 32 and she is 41).

From my point of view, I am defensive but feel that it is a response to how she is talking to me which from my point of view is very critical and very much putting all of the cause of our issues with me which makes me feel like she feels she is correct at all times. I really can’t tell if I’m actually convincing myself of this as a way to avoid dealing with my issues though I feel I already see a significant number of issues being caused by me and it was only until recently that I would think that is was anything other than my fault.

I am very codependent so I don’t trust my point of view on these things. I don’t know how I can deal with this as we have 2 kids and we were until recently trying for a third but suddenly everything has fallen apart again and from my experience the only way to fix it is to just stop disagreeing with her point of view and do what I need to to fix the issue even though I know it won’t really change as what causes me to end up getting defensive or angry will still continue to happen.

I have tried to explain this but it only makes things worse and she won’t listen to what I have to say. Anything I do get classes as BS or fits with her idea of what is going on even though I see it as the opposite…..I could go on forever here and don’t know if it is even possible to have an answer. I love her and when we aren’t arguing it is all amazing…but it is just this block that we can’t seem to fix. I know you can’t answer most of these things but what can I do so that I can try to?

I’m very glad to hear that most of the time things are “amazing” between you. I hope the “amazing” and the fact that you have two children who need you motivates you both to fix this. You made an important step in writing to us here at LifeHelper.

You seem locked in a cycle of blaming each other. Assigning blame isn’t at all helpful. Even if you could decide which of you is more guilty, you would still have the communication problems. I have a guess that there is something you two aren’t talking about that is so difficult that it seems better to fight about “communication.” From my point of view you are communicating perfectly. You are communicating that you don’t want to communicate.

A couples counselor will be able to observe the two of you in action and will be able to help you understand why having the block is more important than not having it at this point in your relationship. You can then work on the underlying issues and become a stronger team.

I hope you will follow through.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is It Important for a Teen to Have a Girlfriend?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Rwanda:  i am 19 by November this year, but recently i have been thinking if having no girlfriend at my age really matter…
many teens by my age already have girlfriends or boyfriends, many had their first kisses or even much worse had their first break up but me, i have no experience in such matters, i really want to be in a relationship but don’t know where to start  (lets say shyness).

I’m so glad you asked your question. Yes, relationships are on the mind of all teens. But it simply isn’t true that everyone has a romantic experience during their teen years. Worldwide only about 35% of teenagers find romance. If they marry, only a little over a half of those couples succeed in staying married over 10 years.

So. Please relax. You are not in the minority — even though it seems so. Often teens act as if they have a girlfriend or boyfriend because they don’t want others to know that they don’t. Lots of people are fooling everyone else because they think they are alone in being single.

As for your shyness: Researchers have found that almost half of teens describe themselves as shy. You’re not alone in that feeling either. Some people are just normally more introverted than others. It’s not a problem unless it becomes so extreme that it interferes with someone’s ability to function in day to day life. Then it may become a social anxiety disorder. 

If you are able to generally get along with people, but sometimes find it a bit of a struggle, you may be just “shy” as you suggested. Not everyone is the life of a party. Some people are just quieter and more reserved.

If that’s the case, the way to stretch out of it is to join in a group that is doing something you are truly interested in. That can be a sport or an interest group or a volunteer effort. When people work or play  or create together, the focus is on the task at hand, not on making friends. Paradoxically, friendships often grow organically as people get to know each other over time and feel good about what they are doing together.

Sometimes friendships then grow into romance. But even when they don’t, developing and maintaining solid friendships is an important way for you to learn about what you are looking for in a potential partner.

When I suggest to people that they join something, they often say something like “I’m not a joiner.” To which I reply, “Well, friends and lovers aren’t going to knock on your door. Maybe it’s time you became one.”

I know. It can feel risky. There’s always the possibility that you’ll feel out of place or that you will be rejected. But finding a group is like finding new clothes. You have to try a few on before you feel like you have found the right fit. You may need to check out several groups before you find one that feels at least a little comfortable.

Do give it a fair chance. Go back a few times before you decide that a group isn’t for you. Sometimes it takes a few times for others to get comfortable with someone new and for you to see people as they really are.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Losing my pastors; losing my anchors

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

This is probably a stupid question, so thank you so much for being willing to use your time to read it if you do. I used to hurt myself. I mainly bit or pinched myself until I started trying to stop and found way more ways to hurt myself. It almost never drew blood, but bruising or picking off skin was not uncommon. Anyway, I did it to take away stress, and to drown out physical and emotional pain. I also did it to punish myself for mistakes.

It has been almost a year since I started trying to stop, and it will be one year on April 10 since I hurt myself, but the desire to hurt myself is still really strong sometimes. It has especially been bad recently because my grades are not very good, and I had been denying the reality that the youth pastors at both my churches are leaving at the end of the year, and I got reminded of it.

It scares me because one of the churches I have been going to since I was about 3 years old, and I probably will not get to go back when the pastor leaves so I will lose all those friends. The other one is the first person who I told about hurting myself, and also the first person who made me feel like I belong at the other church.

I am afraid that this stuff will be ‘too much’ and I will hurt myself again. How can I make these desires go away? (I guess I should probably say that because I was not doing anything really harmful that there are barely any people who know that I ever hurt myself, so I do not see more than a couple times a week the people who know about it.)

First, there are no stupid questions. You were right to reach out for some help on this. Teen years can be confusing and emotionally really hard. The kids who seem to manage the turmoil the best are those who either have a very stable and loving family or those who have found a “second family” in a group activity that means a lot to them. Some kids are lucky enough to have both.

It sounds to me like your pastors and your churches are central anchors in your life right now. Thinking about losing them frightens you because you’re not sure you can manage on your own. But pastors (and other significant people) move on. Loss is part of life. Treasuring the time we have with important people and keeping what they’ve taught us in our hearts is one of the things that makes us stronger.

I don’t understand why you would lose the church when your pastor leaves. Your friends there are your friends. It’s only fair to give the new pastor a chance. New people give us new opportunities to expand our support network and to learn new things about ourselves. As for the other pastor, he or she helped you face a problem. The best way to honor that relationship is to maintain your resolve not to hurt yourself.

My best advice is to keep attending the youth groups. Focus on doing whatever activities happen there. If you haven’t yet made friends, give it time. Doing things together without pressuring for more can help friendships just naturally evolve. Since you have a life of faith, practice prayer and meditation when you are stressed. Research shows that self-harm may release stress in the moment but it also teaches a person to do more self-harm. Quieter forms of destressing such as prayer and conscious breathing have longer-lasting effects with no shame or self-blame attached.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Dad’s Bugging Me to Date

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Every time I see my dad, the first thing he asks is if any guys are chasing me. He thinks that I need a boyfriend. I’m a Sophomore in college and haven’t had one since my Junior year of high school. I’m fine with not having a boyfriend, though it would be nice to have one. But he is very concerned and is acting like he thinks there is something wrong with my personality, so I need to rely on my looks to get a guy.

My dad is always harping on about my appearance. I am an average weight, maybe even a bit on the skinny side. Yet he comments on everything that I eat and asks if I’m trying to lose weight. When I say no, he asks why. And I don’t tend to try as hard with my appearance at home, if I’m not going anywhere. During my spring break, I didn’t wear makeup or do my hair for just one day, and I overheard my dad talking to my mom about how he’s worried I’m letting myself go. He said that I dress below average (which I don’t; I just am not the type of girl to wear a ton of makeup or try extra hard. But even so, I am probably the dressiest of my friends) and that I will probably not find someone because guys need “bait” to get interested in a woman. He doesn’t know that I heard all of that, but it makes me feel horrible about myself.

And now all 6 of my friends on campus have boyfriends, so I’m the only one that doesn’t. Maybe it wouldn’t bother me, but after hearing my dad say all of this stuff, I start to think that maybe there is something wrong with me. I am a very shy person, and I do feel especially awkward around guys. I’m kind of worried that I will never find someone because no one will want to put in the effort to get to know me, as it will surely take awhile since I’m reclusive. My sister told me that my dad asked her if any guys are interested in me at school. She said she didn’t think so, and he said that maybe it was time that they did something about it. I have no idea what that even means. Maybe he’s thinking of setting me up with someone? It kind of makes me feel ridiculously pathetic. I just don’t know how to feel okay about myself when my dad acts like there is something wrong with me for not having a guy.

There is nothing wrong with you. There is something very wrong with your dad’s over-involvement with your relationship status. Beyond quietly wishing you the happiness of having a relationship someday, it is none of his business. He has some odd ideas about what makes women attractive to men. He has an equally odd idea about what your priorities should be at this stage of your life. I would hate to think that we women need to “hook” a man in order to be okay. That kind of thinking went out at least 50 years ago.

Your letter shows you to be a normal, healthy young woman who would be fine if her dad would just leave the subject of romance alone. There is nothing unusual or inappropriate about not having a boyfriend at your stage in life. Both men and women are getting serious about relationships older. The average age of marriage for women now is 26.5 and for men is 28.4. The days when people felt they needed to be married to be adults, to have financial security, or to have sex, are long over. You have plenty of time. Even though your girlfriends are beginning to find men they call “boyfriend,” it doesn’t mean that all these relationships will last. My guess is that your girlfriends will try out a number of relationships before deciding they’ve found the person they want to spend life with. You’ll probably do the same.

You didn’t mention your mother in the letter. If she’s also bothered by your dad’s over-concern, perhaps you can enlist her help in getting your dad to back off. Ditto for your sister. He needs to be told that his comments are out of line. He should instead be celebrating that he has a bright, sensible daughter who likes herself fine.

If you are worried about meeting guys because you are shy and reclusive, that’s a different story. In that case, I would encourage you to get involved in some volunteer work or a cause or a club or a job where you will get to know people over time because you are all focused on getting something done. That’s a more natural and productive way for a shy person to find like-minded people than trolling for guys at a bar or using the personals.

Please don’t let your father’s comments get you down.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is my wife a sociopath?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been married to a woman for thirty two years and I have been persevering with what I consider to be some very serious problems. She has a very unusual lack of and often times a total absence of empathy, sympathy and understanding for even her friends and those closest to her including myself. She is a fair weather friend. She’s your buddy until you need her help and she stands her friends up without so much as a phone call. I have seen two friends of hers at different times become temporarily bed ridden and ask for her aid at which time she completely abandoned them and never saw them again. I was ill for 9 mo’s and unable to work, She consulted a lawyer and tried to have me thrown out of the house, sick with no job. When trying to discuss a marital issue she cannot bear the suggestion that she is doing something wrong and becomes defensive, angry and sometimes vicious, so when there’s a problem then I just have to live with it. She has a very unusual lack of remorse and was very cruel to the little dog we once had.

She is attractive, fun-loving, friendly, laughs and smiles alot and I’m one of the few who really knows what she’s like. Lying is a very common thing for her also. I wish none of these things were true and would love to say I’m a lucky guy to have such a wonderful wife but I can’t. I have re-read this several times and there honestly and truthfully are no exaggerations. Does it sound like she’s a sociopath? I will be much better able to cope with all these things if i can understand. Please help me.

There must be much about her that is compelling to you to manage this for 32 years. As you know, I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. I can only tell you that the behaviors you describe are not sufficient to diagnose someone as having an antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy) or mental illness. Of course, I may not have a complete picture so I suggest you research this more on the web. However, your wife does show some antisocial behaviors that must be very hard for the people around her to understand since they are so much in contrast to her friendly and fun-loving personality.

According to Encyclopedia.com website, “Antisocial behaviors are disruptive acts characterized by covert and overt hostility and intentional aggression toward others. Antisocial behaviors exist along a severity continuum and include repeated violations of social rules, defiance of authority and of the rights of others, deceitfulness, theft, and reckless disregard for self and others. Antisocial behavior can be identified in children as young as three or four years of age. If left unchecked these coercive behavior patterns will persist and escalate in severity over time, becoming a chronic behavioral disorder.”

One guess about her apparent lack of empathy and unwillingness to be wrong is that she is terrified of loss or loss of control and distances herself whenever either becomes a possibility. It’s a “you can’t fire me, I quit” approach to life that does fend off some kinds of pain but also costs her the closeness and intimacy that comes when people are there for each other in the hard times. Not willing to be wrong prevents a fight but also deprives her of the opportunity to grow. You’ve both adapted to her “rules” in order to stay married but your marriage is unlikely to be as intimate as it might otherwise be. I’m sad for both of you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is My Mom Abusing Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a 12 year old girl in Lithuania: I can’t tell if my mom is abusing me or if I’m just overreacting. My mom is a normal mom but whenever she gets mad she cusses, hits or ignores me. She calls me bitch, a piece of sh-t, an idiot, and more. However, when she’s on Instagram or in front of other people, she acts as if she never calls me names or stuff.

One time, I was going from school to home with mom and she got mad because she wanted me to pick up my little sister from school but I couldn’t. She went back to school, took all my belongings, and hit me in the car to force me to get me out. I got out of the car and she drove off. I live far from home so I had to call my dad from work to go back home after waiting outside for 3 hours, and it was cold, I didn’t have any jacket on. When I told this to my bestie, she said my mom seems immature and I needed help. But I couldn’t afford to see a therapist without my parents knowing it.

My dads always fighting for me when mom’s out of control, but mom hits him too and when he’s not there I can’t do anything else. When I got my final grades, it was written that I was late once. My mom went crazy and yelling names at me and saying that I’m a hybrid that skips school whenever I felt like it, but I have never skipped school in my life.

My mom thinks she’s always right and she won’t listen to me. Sometimes she embarrasses me and my sister in front of people by yelling and going crazy because again, she was just mad at something else. So basically she just uses me as a stress relieving material whenever she’s mad.

These days I wanna kill myself so I can get rid of her but I get scared attempting. She expects too much from me. I’m scared to tell her my feelings because last time I told her my feelings she got mad. What do I do?

You are not over-reacting. Your mom knows she is doing something wrong or she wouldn’t act differently when she is in public. Your dad knows something is wrong or he wouldn’t be taking your side when he witnesses these episodes. No kid deserves to be hit and called names by the parent who is supposed to love and protect them.

I can’t know if your mother is ill, over-stressed herself, has inadequate parenting skills or some combination. I do know that this has to stop. Your dad at least believes you but seems powerless to stop it. Your bestie is right. You (and your dad) need help.

Ask your dad if he will take the initiative to get you all into family therapy. If he can’t or won’t, do talk to a teacher or counselor you trust at school. School personnel often know of ways for kids like you to get some help.

In the meantime, stay out of your mom’s way. Get involved in activities that keep you busy after school. Do assignments in the library. Resist the temptation to argue with your mom. It will probably only make things worse. Instead, tell her you are sorry she feels that way and leave as gracefully as you can.

I hope your dad steps up and helps. If you think it would help, show him your letter and this response.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How Can I Support My Mom in Making a Change?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young woman in Latvia:  I should start by saying that I have never posted a question online before. I’m usually pretty logical and level headed and can resolve issues on my own. But this one has been tormenting me and I cannot seem to figure things out.
My mother who is in her mid 50s has been teaching her entire life at one school. It’s the school me and my sister graduated from as well. Over a decade ago. But it’s what I know, what I’m familiar with.

Now my mom suddenly got an opportunity to take the same position but in a better school, and she took it. I feel like she did it without thinking things through too much (got an offer on Monday, went for an interview on Tuesday, and accepted the job on Wednesday). She never looked into changing jobs in the past.

I, of course, congratulated her and told her that she’ll do just great in a new place, but the more I think about it the more anxious I get. And it makes no sense to me. She’ll be doing what she knows best, and, clearly, she was confident about making the move.

But I keep crying hysterically because any kind of change scares me. I’m not showing this to my mom because the bottom line is that I want what’s best for her. I don’t want her to feel stressed, I don’t want her to feel regret, I don’t want her to make bad choices…

She told me that it will be extremely difficult for her to leave the school she’s has worked in for so many years, and I offered her to help her move her personal belongings but what if I’ll just break down and start crying in front of her? That will make her feel even worse, and I can’t handle it.

I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. This has been keeping me up at night, and I keep thinking about it, and I just keep thinking how I wish things could just stay the same. But that’s not going to happen. I want to support my mom in the best way. Please help me understand what is going on and how I can help my mom instead of stressing her out. Thank you in advance.

Thank you for writing. I think you already know that her choice to change jobs isn’t about you. Having raised you and your sister with the stability and consistency of being with you in the same school, she now sees an opportunity for change. My guess is that she needs to stretch herself in new ways and can’t do so in a place where expectations are that she will continue as she always has. It’s something to celebrate that she is willing to take the risk and explore something new and different.

It’s possible that you are grieving childhood’s end. Your mother’s decision to move on in her career does indicate that your childhood is over. Like most adult children, there is a part of  you that wants to hold time still; that wants nothing to change at “home” while you make all the changes. It does offer some comfort and security to think that way. But parents are people too. It’s natural for them to want to grow and change too.

I’m glad you aren’t sharing your extreme reactions with your mother. You are probably right that she needs and appreciates your support, just as you often need hers. If you can’t help her move her personal things without breaking down, maybe you should find another way to be helpful.

If this explanation isn’t enough to help you make sense of your tears, please do consider seeing a therapist for a few sessions to work it through.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Boy is an old man in a boy’s body.

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am writing to get an opinion or suggestion. I know a 10-year-old boy who lives with his mother and little sister all the time. His parents got a divorce within the last two years.

The problem:
“E” is a 10-year-old boy with a very high IQ. He is in some special classes for smart kids. He reads a lot and enjoys science shows on TV. He analyzes everything—he cannot answer a simple question, What is your favorite color?, without thinking and analyzing the question and answer.

Word association does not work either. He does not laugh and smile like most 10-year-olds. He says the kids at school act “stupid or silly” but what he describes is being kids. He is a “what if” person, worrying about things kids and sometimes adults don’t need to worry about.

Example: he won’t play video games because he is worried about the electric bill increasing. Shouldn’t he be worrying about high scores? He told me that he read if a boy rides his bike too much he might be unable to have children. What 10-year-old thinks about stuff like that? He only plays outside or with his sister every now and then. Even if his mom is acting silly he won’t join in—having a water fight with friends and sister, he would not even go outside to watch.

I know that when he is with his dad they work on the farm, and watch the news and news shows all the time. He reads consumer reports and news magazines instead of comics. He is an old man in a 10-year-old’s body. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Any suggestions? His mother and I are very worried about his behavior. Please reply with any help. Thanks a lot.

Of course, I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. But I really, really hope your friend will take her son for an evaluation. Much of what you say is consistent with Asperger Syndrome.

AS is a neurobiological disorder that is on the autism spectrum. People with AS have normal to high intelligence but often have significant difficulty with social skills and communication skills. Often they have a highly developed interest and expertise in one or more narrow and unusual topics. Sometimes they are overly sensitive to sensory stimulation. Changes in sounds, light, tastes, smells, etc can be experienced as painful.

Paradoxically, they often have a high tolerance for pain. Because these people are neurologically different, they often appear odd or eccentric to others. It’s very important for those around them to remember that their behavior is not intentional rudeness or craziness. They really do see the world differently.

There are certain parts of the world that are referred to as “Aspie colonies” by those who know and love these people. You will find a higher than expected concentration of “Aspies” in companies that develop computer programs or that involve highly technical skills, in certain departments on college campuses, among teenagers who are involved with gaming, etc.

AS is more difficult in childhood than adulthood since children can be very cruel to those they perceive as different. Aspie kids are often teased and bullied by their peers and seen as odd by adults. It is helpful to get a diagnosis because it gives the behaviors a name and provides parents and teachers with a direction for providing help and support. Please do a web search for more information and see if any of this fits the situation you described in your letter.

An important caution: I am only making a guess based on a letter. It is also possible that the boy is reacting to his parents’ divorce by trying to be his idea of the “man of the family” for his mom. Then again, it could be something else.

Of most importance is that you have a legitimate concern that this little boy is overburdened by something. Trust your instincts and encourage his mom to take him to a licensed child psychologist for an evaluation.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

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We Have No Secrets

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: My wife and I have recently discussed our past relationship histories with one another and I have found some of her confessions uncomfortable and, some of them, difficult to believe. I believe this is because male/ female experiences in love and sex can be very different. She revealed that she had been sexually abused by her first boyfriend at a very young age (13) and that he was also verbally and emotionally abusive. She was with him for 3-4 years. She then entered into a six year relationship with a guy that she also describes as emotionally abusive and, rarely, verbally as well. He also got her pregnant more than once, forcing her to have an abortion each time, and refused to wear protection. Following that, she was with another man for 1 year that appears to have been a exercise in very low standards and he cared nothing for her. She says that all of them cheated on her.

My history is that I grew up Christian and with the understanding that sex should wait until marriage. I tried to make this my life’s goal. However, I did fail and had sex twice before I met my wife (years before). My relationships prior to her were always good and caring. I have no ill feeling towards anyone I dated and would consider them healthy relationships.

As might be imagined, I have struggled simply with the idea of her being with other men and can be haunted by very unpleasant mental images. I have tried various techniques to get rid of them without success. Perhaps more troubling, though, are the things she tells me about her experiences because I struggle to believe her and think she’s lying to me. She has told me that she never enjoyed being with them in any form (physical, mental, emotional) and did not even get any physical pleasure from it. She says there was never any kissing or touching but that it was one thing, very quick, and over. She says that she would “space out” during and doesn’t have any memories of these experiences, though she does appear to recall details surrounding the experiences (where, how often). She says that she never wanted to be with them that way and that she never felt “comfortable.” She says she only did it because that is what they wanted and that would keep them from leaving.

My questions are: can a woman have sex and not enjoy it at all, including no pleasurable physical sensations, simply because she does not feel “comfortable” with her partner? Can this experience possibly have occurred every time and with different partners? Is is likely that she is minimizing these experiences to make them seem less painful/ uncomfortable for me? And, would being in an abusive relationship early in life have led to some of these behaviors and relationships?

It is not at all uncommon for a person in an abusive situation to split off from the self in order to survive it emotionally. It’s also not uncommon for people who have been abused to start to think that they aren’t worth much and that they deserve the abuse. They therefore get into one abusive relationship after another.

Your wife has done a very brave thing in sharing her story with you. She’s is showing you all of herself, probably wanting your relationship to be based on honesty. It may also mean that she has taken major steps in her own healing. She has come quite a long way in that she now loves herself enough to find a loving relationship and she is letting herself be vulnerable to you. She has taken a measure of your character and has decided you can be trusted and that you are true to your values of Christian love. I hope she is right. I hope you can focus on the present and embrace your wife’s courage and love for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Asking big, big questions

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: From a Florida teen: (This is a much-edited post.)
Hey there, A couple years ago (sometime around the summer tenth or eleventh grade) I began see an advantage to an atheist life. I’ve never pegged myself to be a guy with mental problems-but rest assured I went quite crazy at times. The biggest turning point was when the pressure of having to do what was right according to Christiantiy’s standards surrounded me, consuming everything I enjoyed sexually, or else wise. I felt this ever looming feeling of doom of the invisible force everyone calls god always breathing down my shoulder, his voice telling me everything was wrong, and everything being ripped away from me before I knew it. I decided the only way to stop such paranoia was to not believe in a god at all. With no existence of a god, there’d be no invisible forces out there.

This lifestyle switch brought on many advantages:I use to pray for things and do nothing, now I would get up and actually make them happen-discovering prayer wasn’t what got me what I wanted and not a requirement at all in the first place has moved me towards getting a lot of my goals done. The, “thank god,” aspect has completely left me. And that paranoid fear of having a talent or something tooken away from me because it’s ‘god’s not yours’ has long left me-leaving my accomplishments, abilities, and talents seeing no limit. Life is stress free not feeling like I’ll be struck by lightning for no reason, or ‘tooken away because god says it’s your time.’ Basically what I had back when I was religious was a fear of a powerful invisible force that could strike with certain disaster, or take everything away from you at any giving moment.

The problem is that I feel guilty about my decision. I loved my (step)dad-and he was quite the religious man. Buying candles, praying, and all that jazz. He died of cancer back when I was in middle school. One aspect of guilt comes from the feeling that he’d likely be very unhappy with a choice of anyone in his family to not have a belief in god. A HUGE factor of my guilt comes from my family. Every single one of them is religious (with the exception of a few more who never go to church with the exception of a wedding or two). Especially my grandma I live with. After her accident, she became interested in church again-and wanted to drag me along, having not known about my atheist urges. When it comes to her she doesn’t invite, she just says you’re going and you are. And I said, “I don’t like religion.” she goes nuts. She’s never heard about the paranoid struggles I had with it, and never wants to hear it. I was forced to go a max of a few times before she finally went on her own, I haven’t had to go back since-and she sounds quite happy, always talking to her husband (who also doesn’t go) about her experiences there. I feel (and have felt) very relieved. She hasn’t told me, but it looks like she’s accepted the fact that I’m just not a church guy from what I see.

And that’s it really-all the same stuff I mentioned before hand. I’ve discovered what secular humanism is and have been looking into it since then, and I truly believe I am the closest to a secular-humanist. I cite my reasons for an absence in a religion to be a rapidly growing lack of superstition. I don’t believe in luck, don’t think anything bad is gonna happen when I open an umbrella in doors, know black cats are cute little things, although honestly some things are still wearing off (ghosts for example are still hanging on). Religion falls in the mix-no invisible guy that there’s no psychical proof of is going to do anything to me.

But the guilt factor has shot up again. Here comes the reason for this post-the big shocker, the sole reason for all the guilt in the world from my prospective atheist lifestyle. A very good friend of my late father, and a good friend of mines gave me a medal for graduation, with the virgin Mary painted in it. “Here take this,” he says, “See that? That’s the heart of god,” he pointed to a tiny heart on the painting, “This way it will always be with you.” “This is blessed by the Pope! Don’t lose it, put it on your keys, or something, always keep it with you.” Although I wasn’t in the least bit thrilled about it, I stuck it in my pocket, and threw on a smile. The guilt of even keeping it killed me. Keeping it meant I was ready to be sucked back into that paranoid lifestyle, that all good in my life was because god and not me-meaning my life wasn’t even my life at all, and could be tooken away from me at any second, the usual unexplainable stress that asscociated me with my relgiious lifestyle. So I threw it away.

Thus comes my guilt, a friend of my father, and a man with such good intentions. The voice told me, “Someday you need to be an honest adult about your views-tell these people how you feel, be honest.”
This double-life of sorts with it’s positives have always had the negatives underlying it a step away, and they are as follows:
*My African-American descent makes me feel like I’m disagreeing with legends such as MLK, or siding with evil Atheist based organizations. I have a fear that an extreme dislike of religion would eventually consume everything I love. I felt especially a lot of guilt for the military who fight by this phrase “God Bless AMeria”. Nothing really curbs this one beyond just ignoring it, and remembering our (magnificent) founding fathers said, ‘freedom of religion’.And of course:*My deceased father-Remembering how much he loved me, and how religious he was, and all the things he did for me is the biggest factor.

Other than that, the positives are still there. But my split mind can’t help but for a split second still feel the tangs of the Dark Side in choosing a non-religious lifestyle. Philosophies and just being a good person in general have become my lifestyle. Is that enough?

Thank you if you can help me, thank you.

I’m very impressed with the complexity of your thinking. You are asking the huge questions and not settling for easy answers. This is what people your age should be doing. Any value, religious or otherwise, that is simply accepted without careful thought can’t stand up to a big challenge. So please don’t minimize what you’re doing by accusing yourself of making unnecessary “epic struggles.” These struggles are big because they are very important. You are working hard to define yourself in a way that will let you live your life with integrity.

I don’t know where you will eventually land on the question of religion or a particular religion. You have a good mind that won’t be satisfied until you’ve done more exploration. In the meantime, I see you doing your best to be a decent man who strives to take responsibility for himself while still being respectful of the people who love him. That’s something to be proud of.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How do I make my cheating boyfriend into a loving father?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I met my boyfriend almost 4yrs ago. He had just left his wife for cheating on him for the 3rd time and this time getting pregnant! Everything was going fine between us for about a year. Til things started going downhill! He lived with his stepdad and his stepdads wife. His stepdads wife’s daughter from out of town had come to visit and while she was there her and my boyfriend starting having sexual relationships. I had now known this was going on but had bad feelings about it because of the way he would act towards me everytime she would come to visit. He would tell everybody that she was his sister and that is it…come to find out that wasn’t it…she is married with 3 grown children and would come to visit when her husband was out to sea with the Navy and would leave her kids at home just to come see my boyfriend, while telling alot of people she was coming to visit her sick mother, which wasnt true!!! This went on for about 2 yrs. He confessed to me after about a yr of cheating on me but I still took him back everytime she wasnt around. Then it came to the point where she knew about me and finally called me to talk about the situation. At first she acted all concerned and caring but come to find out down the road all she wanted to do was stab me in the back and keep seeing him while still being married. Last year he and I found out we are having a baby…and he said he wanted to be with me but then went to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with her and her kids because her husband as usual was out to sea! I guess while there my boyfriend found out that he is not the only one she has been seeing behind her husbands back and come home from that trip in a rage!!! at the time we really were not boyfriend/girlfriend. But then on Christmas day he came to my house to tell me that he is totally through with her and wants to be with me and the baby as a family. I told him that is fine but it will take me a long time to trust him and believe him that he is totally through with her!!! Things have been going really good between us since we are back together and he even moved in with me! But there are times when he acts like he did when he was cheating…and I don’t know how to take those actions. I want so badly to ask him if he was sincere with his words about being through with her, but deep down I am afraid he will lie to me and say yes while in the meantime be contacting her behind my back. I really want to resolve this with him but just not sure how to bring it up without getting into an argument! We are expecting our baby in 3 months and I have told him over and over again that she will be nothing to this baby and will have nothing to do with the baby!!! He agreed with me but how do I know secretly he wont send her pictures of the baby or even contact her to tell her about the baby. And this girl has called me and told me, before my boyfriend and I got back together, that she will have rights to see this baby and I will not be able to stop her from doing so!!! And that she will buy things for this baby whether I like it or not!!! What do I do with this situation? How should I bring this up to him in hopes not to start an argument? And how will I know if he is telling me the truth and being honest with me about being through with her totally? Any help will be greatly appreciated!!!

I”m very worried that you can’t see things clearly because you are pregnant and scared. Your boyfriend only declared he was loyal to you after he found out his other girlfriend was cheating on him! The only person in this situation who is faithful and constant is you. Unfortunately, you can’t argue your boyfriend into being an honorable man and you can’t control what the other woman will try to do. She has no rights to your baby at all. Her access to the child is dependent on the baby’s father. If you don’t trust him to honor your feelings about this, I don’t know how you are going to make a family with him. It’s time to let go of the fight with these two cheaters and instead to focus on making a safe and loving home for your little one. I hope you have family and friends you can count on and who can share your joy in your baby.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Help with Sleep Problems

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am concerned because for the past few months, I feel as if I just don’t sleep what I should. I know that this is a general problem within society, but I feel something is genuinely wrong. Each night I go to bed, either early or late because I am with friends or working on school work or working and on those nights I roughly get about 3 to 4 hours of sleep, which of course is on my own doing, and then during the next day I may take a 2 to 3 hour nap and then the next night I will have trouble sleeping, which I believe is put on by the naps during the day, but I don’t always take naps. And even when I don’t hang out with friends or school and what not, and I go to bed at a decent time, I find myself consistently waking up in the middle of the night and staying up researching colleges because I have not been happy with my overall choice in schooling.

I have tried taking a small dose of melatonin vitamins, which I have still woken up in the middle of the night and have tried larger doses and sleep aides (not together, but at separate times) and I still wake up in the middle of the night doing the same things. I guess I am just genuinely concerned with my well being because each day I wake up after a few hours, exhausted whether it be my own doing or my mind constantly racing about the future and what it holds. Most of my nights are spent this way, but I do get lucky and have a few 6 to 8 hour nights of sleep. Even when I try to relax, I still mostly feel restless and like I have so much to do and I blame myself for everything if something isn’t done or it isn’t done right. Should I be concerned or is this just a long ordeal of stress?

Yes, you should be concerned. Sleep deprivation can lead to illness and bad decisions. At 19, you need 6 to 8 hours of restorative sleep every night to be at your best. But from what you told me, it makes sense that sleep aids aren’t helping. Your sleeplessness seems to be a symptom of a larger problem. You are focusing on the sleep. I’m thinking you should be focusing on what it is that is making you so anxious about your future, your schooling, and your choices. You aren’t able to shut down your worries at night so of course you can’t sleep.

I suggest you get at the root cause of your sleep problems directly. Most colleges have a career center. Please make an appointment to talk to a counselor there about your school and career choices. If there isn’t a career center, consider whether there is another resource on campus such as a counseling center or pastoral counselor. Many teachers are also happy to talk to an interested student. You might also find this article helpful.

Meanwhile, there are some things you can do about sleep. Get regular in your sleep habits. Go to bed at the same time every night. Do not let yourself take naps. Eliminate caffeine. Read and study somewhere other than in your bed. You want bed to be associated with sleep. If you can’t sleep, don’t toss and turn. It only makes a person more anxious. Instead, get up and write down your thoughts and feelings. Then go back to bed.

I think a combination of dealing with your worries directly and taking charge of your sleep hours will help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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