My boyfriend and i have been together for two and a half years. We have an 11 month old daughter together. Lately he says he is losing interest in me and he loves me but he is not in love with me anymore and he wants to get his own place. our sex life when we got together was amazing and now we don’t hardly ever have sex and he is always at his friends house. never home to spend any time with me or our daughter. He is constantly packing his stuff and saying we are done and then leaves but then is back within the hour or so. The longest he stayed away was two weeks but then he came back. Things had been going well or so i thought but i just do not know what to do. I feel like i’m being needy but i just want to spend time with my boyfriend instead of him constantly going over to friends house whenever we get off work. Its affecting my daughter as well. She doesn’t see her dad but maybe an hour out of the day. I am at a loss. i love him and i dont see myself with anyone else
You and your boyfriend got together when you were only 18. At 20, you had a baby. It sounds to me like you boyfriend is ambivalent about taking on adult responsibilities and being a father. On the one hand, he probably loves his little girl and still has strong feelings for you. On the other hand, he may feel he gave up his youth too soon. If his friends are single and responsibility-free, it makes it even harder for him to move to the next stage of adult life.
The two of you need to have a very serious talk about what each of you wants out of life and your relationship. You are parents but you aren’t married. That alone tells me that both of you have had some reservations. You may not see yourself with anyone else, but you didn’t make a total commitment either.
I think you need to take a big step back from assuming you are going to be together. Come at the talk as a decision you both have to make. Are you both going to give up the single life? Are you going to marry? Are you both ready to do what it takes to make a permanent relationship with each other and a two-parent home for your daughter? If not, how are you going to co-parent? Ideally, your daughter will have both a mother and a father who are actively involved in her care and in her life. How are you going to support her financially?
You may need some help to have a productive conversation about these difficult and emotional issues. If you find you get nowhere when you try it on your own, I hope the two of you will see a couples counselor for a few sessions. The counselor’s office can give you both a safe place to say what you feel and to figure out what you want for the three of you in the future.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
