I am suspicious that my boyfriend my have molested his younger sister when they were kids. She recently made a comment to him in front of me stating “yeah, if someone saw what you were doing to me when we were younger, you’d probably kill them” (We were on the topic of being driven to murder). Now, alone that doesn’t seem too bad, but he has made prior comments he thinks are funny such as “get there before the hair” and “well if you tell them you’re 16 and they believe you, then why not?”
He has a joking personality and I tend to let a lot of off-colored ‘jokes’ go without question, but I just get an eerie feeling about this. He always offers to babysit our friends little girls (he’s over 30), always wants to play with them instead of hang with us adults and always brings them gifts of chocolate and tells them how pretty they are. He’s always so excited to hold our friends 9 m/o and said to her the other day “You’re gonna know uncle ____ (himself) for a loooong time.” Does that seem creepy to anyone else or am I just crazy?
Having abuse in my past, I feel perhaps I could be overly concerned, but the more I type the more I remember… like just the other day I brought up a story of a child molester and his response was “some people are into that kind of thing.” Not what I would expect as the usual response of “I’d kill someone if they laid hands on my kid” because he says that about everything that disturbs him. Then he went on to get really fidgety and uncomfortable. Ugh… now I’m in a dilemma.
I am terrified because I just found out I am pregnant. He says, “Oh, I just know we’re gonna have a little girl… and she’s gonna be such a daddy’s girl”!!! Holy Shit, am I giving an abuser a toy??? I don’t know how to find out without sounding accusatory. He is always trying to get away with things… like stupid little things… having a shot of booze while I’m in the restroom at a restaurant for example. And then denying it when I tell him he wreaks of whiskey. What do I do??
You can’t be anymore sure about what he did as a child than he can be sure about what you did as a child. When people date and become serious about each other, none that I know of go to a polygraph examiner to try to find the truth out about each other and each other’s past experiences.
You judge him by the way he behaves when he interacts with you and he judges you the same way. The past is somewhat relevant and somewhat interesting but for almost everyone it is who you are now that matters and who he is now that matters.
You were sexually abused as a child and it has had an impact on your life. Perhaps part of that impact is to be overly aware of the potential for child abuse. When someone’s home has been burglarized the victims of that burglary are highly sensitized to future burglaries and future burglars.
This doesn’t mean that their suspicions will be correct when they see people who “might be” a burglar. They are sensitized from being burglarized and are hypervigilant. You can be sure that the vast majority of candidates that they meet in life, who “might be” burglars will not be.
The very best thing you can do with your boyfriend and father of your child is to be honest with him and tell him of your concerns. Discuss this fully and ask him every question that you have. You can do this in a quiet, serious setting together or you can do this with the help of a therapist or counselor.
I hope things work out with you and I hope your baby will be healthy and happy.
Dr. Kristina Randle