I am 48, divorced with two grown boys and a granddaughter. One might think what a wonder life. Its not. I have been in medical chronic pain for over 8 years now. My medically issues continue to grow causing a now total of three chronic pain issues. All are different, all three are extremely painful. My life is in my bedroom. there is no cure for what I have.
I love my kids, and I have a boyfriend who supports and helps me. But I am not myself. Being in pain every single day has finally gotten me to the point of considering my quality of life. I spend hours in a day dream or something thinking about how I could take my life without it hurting my family or rather not having my boyfriends or kids walk in on my death.. this is crazy right?
Let me explain. I thought about going into the back yard leaving my dogs in the house, and cutting my wrists allowing the blood to go into buckets so there is no mess for my family to see. I think about taking my car and going super fast and ramming it into those cement things holding up the over pass. Quick, fast instant death that would not only releive my pain, but total the car so my boyfriend doesn’t have to worry about the payment anymore.
I honestly do not want to die, but with no cure, I can’t bare thr thought of living like this for the rest of my life. I can not take the pain anymore. Its always on the high end of the pain scale. Yes I am given pain medication but only just enough to barely take the edge off, its not enough! I’ve cried, screamed, spoken rational to my doctors but its like I am invisable. Wy can’t they hear me that I can’t take it anymore. Doctors are so afraid to give me proper pain control because of the crack down on drug abusers. If I didn’t have pain, I wouldn’t even consider taking this stuff. So I am suffering because a doctor is worried about his license? What about me? Don’t I matter? Are they just keeping me around to bill my insurance? I’m angry yes, mad, yes. Tired of hurting, yes.. I need help! I told my doctor my ideas about suicide, she said, do you think you’ll really do it? I said I don’t want to, but what other option do I have? She took this as I am having suicidal idealation. To me once again, no one takes me seriously. What can I do? Even my boyfriend has said. Honey I am so sorry, I don’t know if I could take what you deal with everyday, but I am so glad your strong. I’m not strong, I can’t even walk without help. Please can you help me?
I am sorry to hear about the pain that you have been experiencing. The fact the you are considering suicide as a “way out” is indicative of how much you are suffering.
You are in a gripping depression. Your decision to end your life is being clouded by this depression and your extreme pain. It is important that you seek professional help immediately.
There may be other options that you have not considered with regard to relieving your pain. Hypnosis can provide effective pain reduction. Find the right hypnotist and you could experience a significant reduction in pain.
Other people have reported achieving significant pain relief through the use of medical marijuana. Research the laws in your state. Perhaps your pain physician could provide a referral. If medical marijuana is not permitted in your state, then perhaps you could move to a state where it is legal. In many ways, this is a matter of life and death. Moving to a new state may mean a reduction in pain and thus regaining your life.
If you were to commit suicide, it would mark a negative turning point in the lives of your family. It could be the worst experience of their lives. They may even blame themselves for your suicide. It could affect their lives in other negative ways. Studies have shown that individuals who have had a family member who has committed suicide are more likely to commit suicide themselves.
Many people believe that the only choice for them is suicide. In many cases, they’re experiencing immense psychological pain. In your case you’re experiencing both psychological and physical pain. Persons with suicidal ideation are making assumptions based on desperation and irrational thoughts. The time to make an important decision is not when you’re ill or in mental or physical pain.
Consider exploring the options that I have mentioned above but don’t do this alone. Utilize the support of mental health professionals. They can help and support you at a time when you are most in need of this assistance. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog
