From Germany: My partner and I are having a lot of issues communicating. She feels she can’t communicate with me as I am defensive and that I keep trying to talk my way out of issues and blame her for everything. She feels I am not mature and act like a child. (I’m 32 and she is 41).
From my point of view, I am defensive but feel that it is a response to how she is talking to me which from my point of view is very critical and very much putting all of the cause of our issues with me which makes me feel like she feels she is correct at all times. I really can’t tell if I’m actually convincing myself of this as a way to avoid dealing with my issues though I feel I already see a significant number of issues being caused by me and it was only until recently that I would think that is was anything other than my fault.
I am very codependent so I don’t trust my point of view on these things. I don’t know how I can deal with this as we have 2 kids and we were until recently trying for a third but suddenly everything has fallen apart again and from my experience the only way to fix it is to just stop disagreeing with her point of view and do what I need to to fix the issue even though I know it won’t really change as what causes me to end up getting defensive or angry will still continue to happen.
I have tried to explain this but it only makes things worse and she won’t listen to what I have to say. Anything I do get classes as BS or fits with her idea of what is going on even though I see it as the opposite…..I could go on forever here and don’t know if it is even possible to have an answer. I love her and when we aren’t arguing it is all amazing…but it is just this block that we can’t seem to fix. I know you can’t answer most of these things but what can I do so that I can try to?
I’m very glad to hear that most of the time things are “amazing” between you. I hope the “amazing” and the fact that you have two children who need you motivates you both to fix this. You made an important step in writing to us here at LifeHelper.
You seem locked in a cycle of blaming each other. Assigning blame isn’t at all helpful. Even if you could decide which of you is more guilty, you would still have the communication problems. I have a guess that there is something you two aren’t talking about that is so difficult that it seems better to fight about “communication.” From my point of view you are communicating perfectly. You are communicating that you don’t want to communicate.
A couples counselor will be able to observe the two of you in action and will be able to help you understand why having the block is more important than not having it at this point in your relationship. You can then work on the underlying issues and become a stronger team.
I hope you will follow through.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
