From the U.S.: Hi there! I appreciate this resource and the ability to seek some professional advise. I am needing relationship advise in regards to a guy that I have been dating (long distance relationship) for a year now and we are looking to get married. I find him to be a great guy and we complement each other well.
The issue involves his mother as she is single, lives alone now, has visual impairments, and is financially dependent of her son. My husband to be currently pays for his mother’s mortgage and other financial costs such as her medical costs. Eventually, she will lose complete vision and he mentioned that his mother will have to live with us.
I admire his love and care for his mother, however sometimes I feel that his mother is more of a priority for him.
My parents are not in approval in me marrying him as they say he chooses his family before me and that I will be financially unhappy. I can see what they are talking about, but there is also the thought that a guy who is good to his mother will be good to his wife.
He has financially supported his mom since he was 18 as his father left them, he is now 34. He has one older sister who lives overseas and does not help in any way as she lives far away and does not work and is a stay home mom, so everything is on him.
I just want to make sure I am not blindsided with things I’m not seeing due to love. I am not sure if there are red flags that I am missing. Is this a future that will lead to financial issues that will make me unhappy leading to marriage problems and issues where he will be spending more time attending to his mother or expecting me to be there for her when he is not able to.
I plan on having kids and continuing my career in education. Not sure if I should proceed or take the chance in walking away from this and start the dating process again in potential of someone else. Your advise is very much appreciated. Thank you!
I’m glad you are thinking carefully about this. Your fiance has been very honest with you about his commitment to his mother’s care. Marriage to him means joining him in that commitment. He is not going to change it.
The person you need to be talking to about these issues is your future husband. You say you plan on having children. Does he? How will the two of you handle the expense involved in supporting both his mom and your own growing family? What are his expectations regarding your financial contribution to the family? Do you agree? What are his expectations for your role in his mother’s care? Do you agree?
I don’t think you should go ahead with this relationship unless and until you have the answers to those questions. An honest conversation with your fiance will give you the answer you need about whether to go ahead.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
