I’m 26 and from the outside people think I have it all together. But really I have had an unbelievably hard 26 years…everything from sexual abuse from dad, rape, financial troubles and homelessness. People don’t really care about me, I’m the one they call only when they need something. So I don’t bother to tell them anything because they’re not listening no way. I went to college and couldn’t finish because of financial and personal issues. I really don’t have a close relationship with my family including my mother. She has always flipped flopped between loving me and hating me…at least thats how I feel. For example, she cares more about what I can do for her than me just being her daughter. She complains and shuts me off when I can’t help her (she is low incomed and disabled) but she refuses to understand that I can barelly help myself. I tell her that I don’t have much money and help when I can but she still insists that I sacrifice for her because that is what she has done for me in the past. I have learned not to fall in the trap in the past because I found myself in debt and homeless.
Last year, I decided to get my own apartment…no one knows. But I really got tired of sleeping in my car. Though things had been very stable for me, I had the gut feeling that I would not be able to keep everything together and everyone said that I was paranoid for thinking it. With me, Things are up and looking good and then everything falls apart and its not always my doing. For example, as soon as I got the apartment the hours at my job decreased and I could no longer afford anything. I managed to pay my rent but I had to give up my car (no car no work) and went weeks with very little to eat. I definitely couldn’t go to family because again they look to me for help.
I don’t have many friends…only two really. I have spent all of my life alone, I am the only child. I never really had any friends at school, being the only black kid in a all white Catholic school was tough; but I was there for the education so it didn’t matter. I have a guy and he’s just that a guy that I might have sex with once a month. Its not a relationship and though he says that he broke up with his girlfriend I don’t believe him. I do like him and he is really nice to me too. I have never been on a date or had a boyfriend…HA I’ve never been kissed. I know he’s probably just using me for sex, but he’s cute and the only person that really shows me any interest.
I recently lost another job but I wasn’t happy no way. The agency was abusive and unfair to their disable clients and I hate to see someone mistreated. But now I have found myself back in a hole. I have grown so tired of taking jobs that I don’t want to do just for the money. And going to back to school is not an option unless I pay out of pocket thanks to “mommy dearest”. I am very sad and spend most of my days in bed crying. I am starting to agree with my mother, I should have never been born. I can’t see the purpose or the use of me being alive. Not that I would kill myself but if there was a way for me to forfeit my life I would. I just give up. I feel like my life will never be decent or ok. I have been like this for months and no one noticed. I tried to call a mental health place nearby but could only leave a message. I just wish someone could help me. I don’t want a handout or charity…I have worked since I was 14. I just wish there was someone to love me and make sure I’m safe, someone that cared. I feel like I am going to rot in this apartment and no one would notice I’m gone. My phone goes days without ringing so the stinch would be what alarms others of my corpse. Am I asking too much for someone to save me of this terrible life I have? because I have learned that I can’t do it on my own.
I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. Don’t give up. As you noted in your letter you need support. You have attempted to reach out to mental health professionals but apparently they have not returned your calls. I hope you will keep trying. If they do not return your call, try again and keep calling until someone answers your inquiry. A therapist or social worker can:
- Help you apply for financial assistance such as Medicaid. Medicaid is a program for individuals with limited financial resources. An application to Medicaid may also help you access medical and mental health insurance.
- Help you apply for money for housing. You may be eligible for Section 8 housing. I understand that you do not want a “handout or charity” but it may be what you need at this time to help you secure a stable, affordable home.
- Direct you to a program that can help you access grant monies for college. You began college but were unable to afford it. Perhaps if you had more funding you could return. Completing your college education may enable you to pursue a higher paying job. A higher paying job would allow you to pursue stable housing, among other things. This would be a major step toward independence and stability. In addition, completing a college degree program could also help increase your self-esteem and self-confidence. There is a positive correlation between life accomplishments such as graduating from college and self-esteem.
- Deal with your personal problems. A therapist can give you wise advice about how to build your life. A therapist could also help you emotionally stabilize and coach you about how to have a more functional relationship with your mother. A therapist could be a major source of support for you. At this time, you virtually have no support. In addition, he or she may be able to help you find a support group to join. Having support would help you feel empowered.
I believe with the right help and support your life will begin to improve. As I mentioned above, I recognize that you do not like the idea of asking for a “handout.” Perhaps you feel that there is a negative stereotype associated with welfare or charity. Some people feel like asking for help is equivalent to being “weak.” If you hold those opinions, I hope you will reconsider, at least temporarily. At this time in your life you could greatly benefit from the aforementioned programs, and many others. They could be the catalyst that propels you to become the independent person you are striving to be.
Please continue your efforts to contact mental health professionals. You clearly have the motivation and desire to improve but what’s stopping you may be a lack of support and access to the necessary resources. If those connections can be made I believe that your life will improve. Thank you for your question. If you have additional questions or comments, please write back. I wish you well.
