Hello, I’m here to say that I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and OCD during my hospitalization. I have been hospitalized twice for suicide and depression, as well as grief for the first time. I lost my dad a year ago when I was 12, now I am fourteen, so one year and 5 months. I lost him to a stroke as well as a long-term sickness from diabetes and kidney failure. I went through a deep long bereavement as well as my inhumane thoughts. They would make fun of me and my dead dad, calling me an n%$#r and showing me disgusting images. During that period, I attempted suicide three times. Right now, I feel so hopeless and pessimistic. I don’t believe things will get any better any time soon and I’m convinced that life will get progressively worse from here now on. I believe that the evil in this world triumphs any good people will try to harness. I feel like I’m just mentally dragging myself day by day to only fulfill the needs of my peers and teachers. I really despise going to High school, and I’m only a Freshman! There is no passion in my school nor in my life. I mean, I wanna become an animator and animate my own show and have a family in The U.K, but these are all goals, I don’t know what I truly want to do and I don’t think I will anytime soon. See I have this fear having a different goal, and if I did, then I’d be depressed. Now, I feel Nothing, I’ve been self-harming, technically three times. My purpose was to feel something. At least when I was suicidal I felt something, like, pain and worthlessness. I also miss being depressed. It was like my own little shell that I can keep. It was my safety blanket. No, it was my identity. When I get mad, I get really mad, like I’m gonna do something terrible to myself mad, but that only happened once in my entire life, but these feeling of numbness didn’t come from nowhere. I intellectualized my feelings when I was a young atheist, spiritual now. So, I don’t know what to do, I take medication of course but I wanna get off it because i don’t need a drugs to make me happy. Advice?
You mentioned that you are taking medication but what about counseling? You should not be only taking medication. Counseling is often the treatment of choice or a necessary adjunctive treatment for many psychological issues. If you’re not in counseling, you should be.
It’s also important because of your expression of hopelessness and pessimism. Depression and related ailments can make you think things that are not true. It clouds your judgment and can lead to faulty conclusions. People who are depressed often believe that their lives will not improve and that nothing will change. That type of thinking is obviously wrong and can lead you astray.
Counseling is especially important because of your admitted self-harm. People who engage in self-harm often do so because they lack healthy coping mechanisms. A therapist will assist you in developing healthy coping skills so that you will stop harming yourself.
The solution is to seek professional help, via counseling. Tell your prescriber that you would like more assistance than you are receiving and that medication is simply not enough. Once you begin counseling, you should begin to feel better. With every session you should feel a slight improvement. If not, then find a different therapist. If you feel that you might harm yourself or someone else, contact emergency services. They will protect you and ensure that you receive the proper assistance. Stay safe and please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle