From a teen in the Netherlands: My life is a mess. I’m 15 y/o. I used to be a very happy person. A lot of stuff happened. I got bullied, switched schools, no friends etc., but it did nothing to me. I was still happy.
A few years ago this all changed. I got bad moods often. What I thought was SAD quickly turned into something more like major depressive disorder…. But i kept strong. This year, i got friends, and i thought everything would fall back into place. I was very wrong.
Everything hit me at once. My best friend had a failed suicide attempt. My other good friend got hospitalized because her depression got out of hand. My dad is mentally abusive (he always has been, but it gets to me more now). I have never hated myself more than I do now. I used to be so in touch with God, but I’ve lost him… A few family members passed away, the others are now all fighting with each other. Family used to be my only speck of light, but now that has faded too.
All I think about is the relief death would give me. I have some sort of eating disorder, i still eat, yes, but i really don’t want to. Ive tried to make myself throw up multiple times. There has been a period where I’ve cut myself. I feel like no one will ever love me. I also have very bad (social) anxiety. I hate people. All I want to do is sleep.
Whenever I try to talk to my mom about all this, she brushes it off as some kind of joke. I have no friends to talk with, because it’ll only make their own problems worse and that’s the last thing i want. I feel hopeless and worthless.
I do think it’s important to know I do not feel like this always. I have ‘good days’, fortunately.
I hope you can help me.
Sometimes life really isn’t fair at all. You have had more than your share of disappointments, tragedies and challenges. The fact that you still have good days is a testament to your inner strength. But it is no wonder to me that you are getting discouraged.
I do have to wonder if part of the mood change a few years ago might be hormonal. That’s why the place to start is with your medical doctor. It’s possible that at least some of what is going on is medical. Thyroid problems, even a vitamin deficiency, can have an impact on mood. Just get it checked out, ok?
But even if you do have an untreated medical issue, you still have experienced a cascade of difficult events. For that reason, I think a therapist would be helpful at this point. A therapist will help you build on that inner core of strength you already have so you will have healthy ways to cope. Therapy will also help you deal with the losses and sort out what you can, and cannot, expect from your family. Many teens find it extremely helpful to have a therapist who can hear their story without judgment and who can offer encouragement and practical advice.
I don’t think you want to die. I do think you want the pain to go away. As you have already discovered, cutting and developing an eating disorder doesn’t do it. Please believe me: Therapy does help.
If there is a counselor at school, you might talk to him or her about how to approach your mom with the idea of getting some therapy. If there is no counselor, maybe you can take a teacher or another adult into your confidence and ask for help.
When you go to a counselor, take your letter and this response with you. It will help your therapist get a quick overview of your issues.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
