I am not a very emotional person, my fiancé is, and he is very calm, doesn’t lose his temper or cuss. I met him during his divorce and helped him a lot in his efforts to get dual custody of his 4 kids. The divorce was 2 years long and so ugly. He was okay, but the kids mom accused him of so many things, called the police every single time he had visitation and tried to have him arrested often, but we always had witnesses and recordings, he was a very very good dad. The mom put me in a gun club online and took the registration to court to show the judge I had a gun and was trying to kill her (I have not ever shot a gun, or owned one). She also got a 2 wk job at my doctors office, altered my records then ran out with copies. We kept trying to get visitation with the kids, but it only got uglier, my fiance didn’t give up, but after 2 years, it took it’s toll and we had to break up because his kids were starting to attack my kids online calling me names and coming to my house. He moved out of state, and the mom told him the kids wanted to go with him. She moved the kids to his new place and then refused to leave. His mom passed away and he requested the mom not go to funeral which angered the kids, they attacked him, he didn’t fight back. Police came and saw he was marked up, and the kids had no scratch, but the mom and kids always have a rehearsed story, so they said it was him. He also had marks on his neck because his teen son tried twice to strangle him with wire while driving. The police suggested the mom and kids leave. He had no more relationship with the kids. We reconnected because he was back from his mom passing. We got back together almost 2 yrs ago, with the understanding that I’m not dealing with his kids and aside from him being a little emotionally needy, we are a good couple. I love him, he loves me. I find myself disliking the kids and I feel horrible about it, but I’ve said ugly things about them. I went from wanting to be the best step mom to “hate your kids”. His teen daughter had a baby this week. I have been terrified that he may want to reconnect with them. I keep asking him, are you tempted to see the baby? He says no. Today he went to see them. I understand wanting to see baby, but I stuck to my terms and ended the relationship. This is the 3rd time in last few months he has done things with/for kids without discussing w/me first. I would have supported him in seeing the baby, but he lied and snuck. What do I do?
If you are going to marry your fiancé, you will have to tolerate his children and ex-wife. It is unfair and unrealistic to ask him to cut ties with his children no matter how dysfunctional they or his ex-wife may be. He is their father and will likely have some involvement with them for the rest of his life.
You have a decision to make. If you decide to marry him, then accept that his family will be part of your life. If you don’t wish to be involved with his family, then strongly reconsider your decision to get married.
Every decision has consequences. Objectivity and clarity are of paramount importance when making major life decisions. It might be helpful to discuss this decision with a therapist. A therapist could assist you in thinking through what your life would be like with or without him and by extension with or without his family. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
