I’ve decided that if I ever fall in love with another girl I’ll either ignore it and marry a man anyways or as a back-up plan kill myself. I haven’t fallen in love with a girl ever, and I think the only reason this started bothering me is because a girl called me a lesbian. I don’t want to ever be with a girl. There’s this anime I started watching today and it had a lesbian girl in it and I didn’t mind- aren’t straight people usually freaked out by gay people? And also I sometimes find girls attractive and get turned on when of picture of them in lingerie and stuff. (Just recently after I got called a lesbian, though- that never used to faze me) I have very low self-esteem and it used to be that if I saw a pretty girl I wouldn’t like her for being pretty- I’d be jealous.
I haven’t been around people other than my family all summer so I don’t know if I really have changed at all or if I just think I have. When I was out in public last time though, I didn’t find any of the girls attractive and I was able to spot out boys that I thought were cute. I really don’t want to be a lesbian but I keep finding other ways to convince myself of being one. (One minute I’m happy because I realize I am and have always been straight and the next it’s like the great depression because another thought comes into my mind and I think of the possibility of being interested in other girls.
When I think of how girls are in reality, I know that I could never spend my life around one. Other girls (no offense) annoy me to death and I get irritated easily when they’re PMSing or talking about periods. I find it sweet when boys act all tough then show hints of their sweet side- or at least that’s how it was less than two months ago.
Is it really possible to make such a big transition in just two months? From a straight romantic girly girl to a confused mess of a bi/lesbian? I need tips on how to keep my mind off of this. I thought that “When school starts up again I’ll be around people more and remember who I am again” (school starts in about six days- first day of highschool and I don’t think I’ll be able to enjoy it now because I have a stupid psychotic brain) I want to say that I’m definitely straight because of the crush I had in kindergarten on the “bad boy” ( he’s probably in jail or something by now- I like him because he reminded me of the character from GTA Vice City and I had a crush on that game character).
I don’t think I could ever say that I was gay- I’m not willing to accept that since the only thing I had to look forward to in the furture was a husband and children. (I don’t want to work much when I’m older- I rather be a mom and do cooking and all that- Hey! Maybe I’ll be a waitress/maid if they still wear cute uniforms…) So anyways, sorry for bugging you guy for the millionth time but I keep on getting more and more scared that I’m slipping away.
I haven’t seen a guy my age in a while or a girl so I don’t know how I feel about either but I’m hoping that I’ll come back to reality sometime soon. Also, I feel really unfeminine. When I was a kid I remember wanting to be a comedian and most female comedians are lesbians so I’m even more scared at that. (I don’t want to anymore, though, but the fact that some people legitimately laugh at my jokes scare me) And sometimes when I’m really deep in thought, I think in a voice that isn’t my voice (Mine is kind of high pitched) and I can’t tell if it’s more of a guys voice or just like static. God, I need a therapist or hobby or something…=.=
How can I make myself feel more feminine, too?
You’ve certainly worked yourself up over all this. From my point of view, you are struggling with absolutely typical questions about yourself and your sexuality. At age 13, this is usual, not weird, not a cause for concern. Your interests in comedy, anime, and games; your curiosity about girls, boys, and sex only certify you as normal. I think the isolation of your summer has gotten to you. With no real people to relate to, you’ve imagined different possibilities and worked yourself up. It’s been better than being bored, I suppose. But now it’s on overdrive.
My suggestion to you is that you get yourself acclimated to high school. Meet up with old friends. Get yourself involved with some clubs and activities where you will meet some new ones. You have years to figure out your sexuality and I think you will discover who you are quite naturally if you’ll just let it alone for awhile. The same goes for your personal sense of style, whether “feminine,” “sporty,” “girly,” “sophisticated” or whatever.
BTW: Being able to make people laugh is a gift. It has nothing to do with sexual identity. It has everything to do with being able to bring some happiness to life.
I wish you well.