Q: I no longer have energy to tell over and over my child-teenage hood story, but I can make a resume that could gives you a general image: I lived with a cold father and a bipolar mother. I passed through all stages of emotional and physical abuse (except sexual): years for hard and long physical attacks, of words of hate and humiliation, torture, holding in silence for at finally seventeen, did fight back and ended it for good.
The problem is, I’m a grown up person now but I can’t get rid of this past. No problem to have scars, but they just don’t ever heal. I worked hard to got a good job 12 years ago, I had a divorce, I had a collapse during a full time job who put me in a mental institution for 2 months and now… Now I’m still hurt. Now I wake up in the morning filled of hate. Now I can’t enjoy a quiet moment because keeping myself busy helps me from my suicidal daily thoughts.
Therapy? Several. Medicines? Prozac, Paroxetine, Lithium, Lexapro, you named it! For more than 10 years. And now what, doctor? I’m fighting but this hate, this fear, don’t go away. Now what doctor? How can I save myself? This answer means everything to me because I want to love life and all the efforts are just putting me on this exhausting stage of putting me on a limbo. How can you live with this after tried everything? I refuse this sadness, I don’t fall self-pity but I still can’t get a good night’s sleep and if this is the best I can get after such a life-time effort, honestly, doesn’t worth it.
I’m sorry you had such a troubled childhood and that your efforts to heal have not been as successful as you would like. Childhood abuse can sometimes take years of hard work in therapy and on your own to overcome but the work is worth it. I’ve found in working with trauma victims that sometimes the neglect and early stuff is the hardest to overcome. This makes typical therapy difficult because how do you get over something you may have been too young to remember?
If you read some of my posts you will see that I personally have become more and more interested in therapeutic techniques slightly outside the mainstream. Some that you may consider if you haven’t yet that have been researched are EMDR, EFT, DBT, and Energy Psychology. In addition, you may try Healing Touch or Reiki or even acupuncture to get your overall energy balanced. I suggest you do this in addition to continuing traditional therapy with someone who specializes in trauma and in addition to continuing any medications that have helped.
The bottom line is that you have to take YOUR life back and break free from the past. I wish you luck on your journey.
