For as far as i can remember my mom was so toxic even when i was so young she have ocd and would always yell at anything we do we have a 3 stories house but she always let us all stay in one room (we are 6 family members or so we were) she would close all other rooms and let us all stay and even sleep at the same room and never let us out of the house and would hide our cloths and whenever my father buy us any cloths she would get mad and start screaming and hide or throw out the cloth and do crazy things so we learnt to leave with it even when i would take a bath she would let me stay in the bathroom for like 3 hours or more until she finishes washing the only piece of cloth she would allow me to wear and she even in freezing winter she never allowed us to wear any other cloths and i would get sick from the clod and my friends would laugh at me for it but i never told them the reason (my father is a doctor so we are wealthy so it’s not about money ) i was imprisoned with my my siblings in the house until i reached college and there’s so much abuse that happened to us and stuff that doesn’t relate at all to her ocd like she would take any money that my father gave me for allowance and never gave me a dime and told me it’s because my ocd and now anything she do she says it’s because my ocd u should feel bad for me and refused to get treated and when i got to college i began having depression even though i am sure it’s not because of my mother as was immune to her methods and learnt to live with it and it began getting worse and worse and my father who was our only safe person to take to and i worshiped him began acting like her and would hit and insults us all for no reason like litteraly not a single minute that would pass by that he wouldn’t scream at us and would complain every second how miserable my mom made him feel and he have so many regrets for marrying her but he remained like that for 3 years that we wouldn’t take it anymore and told him to stop screaming at us like it was our fault that he married her and would defend her because she acted hurt by his words and my depression kept getting worse and worse but nobody knew and attempted suicide at my university campus but was rescued but they didn’t know anything but i broke down and told my family after like 2 years in the hope they would understand but they never cared and told me many times to commit suicide and my father died 3 months ago and my mom began acting worse she would scream and complain all the time i can’t even talk to her about what we would eat today without her throwing a fit and i tried talking to her many times but she doesn’t even acknowledge what she did and every second became a nightmare and i still live with my siblings in the same room and she still lock all the other rooms and we still sleep on the floor and she keep telling us that yea so? i have ocd and my siblings became so so toxic too they don’t care about me at all and told me to kill myself and when i ask them why treat me this way they say that in order to live in this house they have to be selfish and i should deal with it and my depression is so so so bad now that i can’t breath and i feel as nothing is real and that i am dead and this is hell and there’s nothing for me to do now i am 22 years old now and in college but my depression prevent me from leaving the house and working it’s absolute hell i can’t anymore i really really really can’t and don’t know what to do and i am in the middle east so no one would help me and i keep trying to kill myself but no luck i can’t even describe how bad it really is until i write like 1000 posts and the bad thing is my depression isn’t because of them they just make it much worse i won’t even feel any better even if left the house as my depression is so so so so so bad now and i tried every treatment possible but nothing pls pls pls help i am really dying it’ so so so hard help me please.
I’m very sorry that this has happened to you. I understand that it’s challenging but you should continue to seek treatment, even if you feel like you’ve already tried everything. With the right help, there is hope. Don’t give up.
As you are learning firsthand, you can’t expect help from your family. They have their own problems, especially your mother. She’s not well. She’s not in a position to help you. Unless she gains insight and realizes that she would benefit from treatment, and is willing to be an active participant in that treatment, she’s unlikely to change. It’s important to adjust your expectations accordingly. Your goal should be to keep your distance from her as much as possible. Understandably, that’s difficult because you live in her home but do what you can to avoid her.
Regarding your siblings, they too have problems. You can’t rely on them for help either. Much like your mother, until they realize that they need help and are willing to get it, nothing is going to change. As with your mother, it is important to adjust your expectations of them to be in line with reality. They can’t help you.
You’re dealing with the aftermath of having lived in a home with a mentally ill parent and a father who wouldn’t or couldn’t protect you. It was abusive and not conducive to healthy, psychological development. You’re in a similar predicament that many people find themselves; having been raised by ill-equipped parents and are now left to fend for themselves. Without proper guidance, love, and nurturing caregivers, many people feel lost and understandably so. The good news is, as an adult, you can change your life. You now have the power to make things different, to live a different way, to make a better life yourself.
As a child, you had no power. Your parents made all the rules. They told you what to do and when to do it. They chose your meals, your clothes, etc. They dictated when you could leave and when you could watch TV and when you had to go to bed, etc. That all changes when you’re an adult. Adults no longer have to live by the rules of their parents. They make their own rules. That’s what it means to become an independent adult.
You have the power to make positive changes. As an adult, you no longer have to live in their home and follow their rules. It seems as though you had been previously living outside your home while you were attending college, though that is not clear in your letter. If that option is available to you, you should move out and live somewhere else and begin treatment. Most universities have mental health professionals on staff who can assist you. It would be a good start.
If that option is not available to you, what about other family members? Is there anywhere else you can live? Your primary goal, at this point, should be removing yourself from your toxic home environment. No one would do well living with people regularly suggesting suicide. That is no way to live.
I know that what I’m suggesting is difficult because of your depression but it is important to try anyway. To not try is to give up. Keep trying until you find someone who can help you. There are mental health professionals available who can help you.
You wrote that you wouldn’t feel any better if you left your home but that may be tunnel vision preventing you from seeing reality. Tunnel vision is common among individuals with depression. It can prevent them from seeing a positive future for themselves which is why it’s important to seek outside help. You need an objective perspective from a trained professional.
Do whatever is necessary to get the help you need. Depression is a highly treatable condition. I believe that you are in this situation because you were raised in an abusive household and are still living in that environment. Had you been raised in a loving home, with parents who were nurturing, loving, and mentally well, I highly doubt you would feel the way you do. The problem is not you; it’s your environment and the sooner you can remove yourself from it the better. Therapy can help to facilitate a better life for you now and in the future. Please don’t hesitate to contact the authorities if you cannot keep yourself safe. They will protect you.
Thank you for your question. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle