Here’s something that I’ve tried for years to understand but i can’t. I’ve never had a real girlfriend (real meaning that i never had a girlfriend under normal i like you, you like me circusmstances…the few that have been it’s some sort of deal or game)
I can’t get the girl i like and I can’t understand why. I am an open, extremely social person. I’m the type of person that “knows everybody.” Everyone that knows me can agree I’m a very funny person. I am not some sort of “geek.” I am not mentally ill or physically deformed in any way. I am not the best looking but I’m not ugly.
I make friends very easy…even easier with females. Not masculine at all…I don’t play sports( im a busy person with better things to do than watch a ball being thrown around). I have fewer male friends because I am often insecure about making friends with a guy thinging I’m not masculine enough (that’s 1 part) the other is that i tend to not relate well to the do-it not think-it masculine mentality among other masculien traits.
But one of my best friends is a guy. I am not physically femenine either. But i noticed this trend as i tried to answer this question myself. Is how other girls view me. As a person I am outstanding but as a mate they seem to always say something like “I don’t actually picture you with a girl” or i get the rejecting response. Some face of distaste etc.
I don’t seem to qualify as a mate. Even though i have qualities above my age-group. People tend to view me as a lot more mature than my age says, smarter too. I can also make some friends 10-20 years older than me. I can’t find the answer for my prolonged rejection.
I have to make note of a certain exception that occured lately tho. A girl that actually has a mate-posible outlook on me. And she’s spreading it to other girls she knows. i met this girl a while back i acted like myself seeing her as just another girl but with one exception i was being very sexual all the time. At first i believed this was the answer but i tried it with some new girls i met and they don’t seem to be affected at all in their opinion by the change.
One hates me and finds me disgusting. Maybe that other girl was more prone to fall for that approach because she liked it but there is no universal thing everyone likes. And i experience a small amount of rejection because i dont follow the group’s rules so im punished with a little distance. Something unconcious even some of my close friends do.
Hello and thanks for your question:
You know, it sounds like you may have had this feeling of rejection all along, meaning that you may not have “fit in” even when you were in grade school. The reason I ask about this is because we carry this kind of problem with us throughout life unless we get some professional help. While you are still very young and not yet college age, if you talk to a therapist who specializes in relationship issues, they might be able to identify what you are doing that interferes with your connecting with girls in the way that you want. Students your age often have a very difficult time relating, and girls tend to be hung up in cliques and doing their own thing, but then, so do guys.
Relationships are not so very mysterious. Men have problems understanding women and women struggle to understand men. All you need is a good teacher to help you decipher what girls want. They like a guy who cares about them and CAN LISTEN to what they have to say. When they have problems, they don’t want you to fix them, but to listen and offer support. If you remember this little recipe you will probably do better with them.
First, however, find a therapist who can figure out your roadblocks. You can find one in your area at Psychology Today.
Best of luck,
Dr. Diana Walcutt
