Hello, First I should let it be known that I was admitted to hospital for over two months last year, and it that time it was suggested I go through electroconvulsive therapy. I have suffered a mixture of social isolation, depression, some form of anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder and I forget what else since early adolescence.
I go through regret, misery, self hate daily, the only people I talk to are family simply to answer if I had anything to eat. Due to differences in faith, life style and anything determining the quality of life I am alienated from my family, so I don’t trust them, or feel at home. They view me as an ignorant oddity.
My memory is becoming extremely fuzzy, and I lost the ability to tie a date with memories long ago. I frequently use the internet for…adult distraction.
Given the opportunity to write, I can perhaps make something. But in person my words are always drawn back, ending in silence. Online I frequently rewrite and eventually give up.
I have trouble sleeping, and on some nights my mind loses focus as if drunk. I’ve been talking to myself for years, but now I end up losing grasp, and seriously debating or upsetting myself in these solitary conversations.
If I day dream, which I frequently do, I consistently..react to the dreams.
I laugh or cry, I infuriate myself, all according to the dreams.
I am unable to properly explain anything, I am confused. When given a problem, or situation, I end up following a backwards or messy solution even though the proper response is obvious, becoming apparent to me sometime after.
I don’t believe I completely lost my faculties, but at this rate I believe I will fall under something…severely unhealthy in perhaps 18 months or more.
I do not trust people at all, against my better judgment I seek another’s opinion, to understand. I seem to have hit a wall at the previous sentence. I am tired.
A second opinion will need to come in the form of visiting a mental health professional in-person. I can only offer general information.
You mentioned that you are “unable to properly explain anything” but your letter is clear and articulate. It doesn’t suggest a lack of clarity in your thinking. It is indicative of an intelligent person who is in emotional distress and who doesn’t know why. It’s common for people to not know what is wrong. They know that they are suffering, but they can’t identify the source. A mental health professional could help to both determine the source of the problem and to develop a plan for solving it.
It’s possible that you simply haven’t found the right treatment provider. Mental health professionals are not all the same. Some are better than others. You should interview at least 5 to 10 mental health professionals to find the one with whom you feel a connection. You might also try medication. It might help to decrease some of the more bothersome symptoms that you face on a daily basis.
If nothing else seems to be working, you might consider ECT, as suggested to you by the hospital staff. You can read more about it online. Though it is often considered a controversial form of treatment, many people have found it helpful. For some, it has made a dramatic improvement. It’s typically considered a treatment of last resort. I’m not advising that you do or not do ECT; I am advising that you thoroughly investigate all possible options. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
