From Vietnam: I am having a lot of problem in my relationship recently. And it seem to be the same problems that happened in my last relationships too. I had many broken heart relationships in the past too. I feel like I can’t handle a normal long term relationship. When things are normal and perfect, I tend to start ruining it and getting anxious. I start picking up a fight or being unreasonable and non sense to my girlfriend. Luckily I haven’t made any serious damage yet because I try to hold it up but it’s just escalate more and more in my action and behaviour until I brought us down together. Then I feel satisfy and guilty.
I don’t know how to stop all this. I don’t use any alcohol or drugs. I feel like every time thing doesn’t happen as my way, I started being grumpy and torture my girlfriend but not in a physical way. I tend to bring her mood down together with me. I had this problem too in my last relationships but I was young back then so I am not aware of my problems.
Now I am 28 and I started looking back in the past and realise how crazy I am and how frustrated people have to put up all with these things. I turn to be cold with my girlfriend to make her feel bad and think it’s all her fault even though it’s not. But then when she pissed off and start being cold with me. I started freaking out and worrying. I normally just try to hold up every time the other part of me strike up then let it go but I don’t see it’s the point. It ruins my life and chase all the people I love away from me. I can’t do anything to stop this. In the past I have seen many people I love left me in hopeless.
The first step to solving a problem is recognizing it. I applaud you for facing something that must be very difficult for you. I am very glad that you haven’t complicated things by getting addicted to drugs or alcohol.
It may be that something happened to you either while growing up or when you started having romantic relationships that made you pessimistic about whether someone can really love you. You very much want a relationship, but you fear that you will be rejected. One way to resolve that dilemma is to ruin a relationship before the rejection you imagine actually happens. That makes you feel more in control and preserves your self-esteem. You “fire” your girlfriend before she can “quit” on you (as you are sure she will do).
You are wrong that you cannot stop this. You are only in your 20s. You are not hopeless. Your letter shows that you are smart and insightful. Now you just need some help to overcome your pessimism. If you could do it on your own, you would have done it already.
Unfortunately, I’m not familiar with the services available in Vietnam. If there are counselors, I suggest you see one. If not, you might want to join one of the support groups here on LifeHelper.
You have a long life ahead of you. It’s wonderful that you want to solve this problem now so you can enjoy an intimate relationship with someone who loves you.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
