I was with my ex for 5 months. It was the “first love” for me, so probably I was seeing more in that relationship than there really was. He left me for another girl a year ago. I should have stopped talking to him the same moment, but I was stupid and tried to make him come back to me. When the girl left him, I was by his side, but when he found another one I just couldn’t stand it and told him I’d rather not see him again.
I know that this sounds stupid, but my mind has no influence on how I feel. I love him, but I wasn’t worth him. Everyone was telling me that time heals the wounds, but it’s been a year and it’s only getting worse. I miss him, I cry at night because of that. I’d do anything to be with him, even for a moment, even to be able to touch him. And I know I mean nothing to him, he probably even forgot that I exist. Every time a smallest things reminds me of him I feel as if someone throw a huge, heavy stone inside of me. I can’t ever imagine being with anyone else. I know I’m broken and not worth fixing, so hoping someone could love me has no sense. I just don’t know what to do, I know nothing. For some time I wanted to kill myself, but I’m too weak.
There’s one more thing I fear. I’ve always wanted to go to Medical University, but that’s where my ex and his current girlfriend study. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to bear this if I see them together and it would be 4 years on the same university… If I run away from him, I’ll lost the last thing I want and can have. For a year I haven’t been really happy and I’m afraid I won’t be anymore. Even writing this the stupid me is crying. I just really don’t know what to do.
A; I really am sorry that you have been feeling so sad for so long. First love is often a very powerful experience. But you already know that your feelings are way out of proportion to a 5 month relationship. When someone becomes so obsessed and depressed that she can’t function, it usually means that there is more to the situation than a broken heart.
One way to figure it out is to ask yourself what you would be thinking about and doing if you were not so upset about the breakup. Is it possible that it is easier for you to maintain the upset than to face whatever it is that you should be attending to? Could it be that you are anxious about going on to university, for example? Or maybe you are so afraid to open your heart to someone again that there is a part of you that would rather be stuck than chance it.
I want to remind you that there are medical schools all over the world. If you don’t want to run into your ex at school, you could look into alternative places. There are lots of worthy men your age in your city, in your country, and in the larger world. Someone out there is looking for someone just like you. In either case (school or romance), you won’t find what you are looking for by sitting home and thinking about one failed relationship.
Most important, I don’t believe for a minute that you are “broken and not worth fixing.” Your self-esteem and self-confidence have suffered a blow but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy of attention and care. Please find a counselor to help you sort all this out and get on with your life. You deserve to be happy again.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
