I found out my boyfriend at the beginning of our relationship would go on Craigslist and have intimate conversations with women online. He’s never met up with anyone and I believe him and I can’t help but to see him differently. As a disgusting perv but I forgave him for it but I never got over it. We’ve been together for a year now and I see a text from him to his friend saying he wants to fuck my cousin (because he was jealous that I was talking to my ex who I was trying to be friends with but I had no feelings for him anymore) so I understood that he was just mad. Now 3 months ago he blacked out and texted my cousin (who’s number he only has her number because his iCloud’s synced with mine and all my numbers got on his phone) that he think he loves her. I was asleep when this happened and I got several texts from my cousin and him. He said it was a mistake and told her he was just drunk and it was really embarrassing for me that that happened and have been disgusted of him since. I can’t get it out of my mind and its come to the point where I’m not in love with him anymore. I love him a lot though. Just not in love at this point. I don’t want to keep remembering what he’s done and I want to move on but it bothers me so much I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m a very vindictive person so I bring it up whenever I’m mad and I make him feel so bad about it but I don’t want to. Do I move on and try forgetting him or should I stay? I really love him and I know for sure he’s in love with me. I just don’t know if I could love him the same way anymore.
I can’t answer your question of whether or not you should move on or stay with him. That’s ultimately something you have to decide.
Healthy relationships are based upon love, trust and respect. You need all three. You have love but seemingly not the other two. Love alone might not be enough.
Your referring to your boyfriend as a “disgusting perv” would suggest that you don’t respect him. But if you knew about his utilizing craigslist when you began the relationship, you must have been okay with it. What has changed?
Trust has likely been damaged in this relationship. He admits to being attracted to your cousin and has attempted to contact her. If trust is gone, the relationship wouldn’t likely be satisfactory for either partner.
You describe yourself as “vindictive” because you continually bring up the cousin issue. If, when you bring it up, you and he have a healthy discussion about it, then it’s not vindictive. If, on the other hand, you know that when do you bring it up, it causes more problems in the relationship, then it might be vindictive. Continual arguing is detrimental and degrading to the relationship.
Have you considered couples counseling? A professional could help you work through these issues and decide if your relationship is worth saving. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
