From the U.S.: I’ll start from the beginning. I was an only child, adopted by an older couple, my parents were very strict, old fashioned and very hard on me, but I never felt abused. I had a lot of friends but no one close so I develop a custom. Whenever I was very sad or very angry I would lock myself in the bathroom and talk with myself in the mirror. The guy in the mirror would be calm and understanding and give me good advice. It was a good way for dealing with problems and by the time I finished college I stop doing it.
Later in life I was very lucky and marry a beautiful and sweet woman and she became the shoulder I would cry on, I would tell her everything. We have been married for 18 years.
About 5 years ago I started having many problems at work, the company grew to fast and we started having problems with our customers and my boss was not happy with me. At home we had money issues, we were spending more than what we made, and I kept telling my wife all my problems. The result: She stopped looking at me as her protector, she stopped looking up to me and eventually she started having feelings for someone else from work.
We deal with this problem as well as we could and eventually decided to continue together but I lost my trust in her, now I don’t tell her any of my problems so she will not see me as a looser but as we live together I feel very alone, I have no one to talk to. I have tried a couple of times to get in front of the mirror and start talking to my self again but is not working. The guy inside the mirror is not there. How can I bring him back? Who can I trust to talk about my problems?
I’m very sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult spot at middle age. You are not at all alone. Many people in midlife these days find that the job market is changing too fast for them to keep up. Trouble at work can spill into every aspect of our lives.
I don’t think resurrecting the guy in the mirror will be helpful. He can only give you the advice you have within you. If you had what you needed in your own brain, you would have solved your problems by now.
You and your wife have somehow lost the ability to work together as a team to solve your current situation. In your discouragement, you are each withdrawing into your own corner and feeling more and more alone. That isn’t helping either of you.
That suggests that the best thing to do is to find outside help. I strongly urge you to find a couples therapist to help you sort out the trust issues and to put your marriage back on solid footing.
An 18 year marriage is absolutely worth trying to save. I strongly believe that people who once loved each other can find that love again — but not without some work. Couples therapy can help the two of you forgive yourselves and each other and re-examine the terms of your relationship so that you can get back on the same team.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
