I dont talk about this, or even told anybody about my “problem”.
Here goes. When i feel good about myself, confident or even happy, i tend to think about things that will change the way i feel…. will it take my confidence away, will it change my mood, will it change the outcome of my daily life.
for an example: i feel great, walking in the shop. There is a pillar/beam in the isle. do i walk around the pillar, and exit the shop, does that have an effect on my life? or if i walk with my wife, and she walks around a pole and i dont walk around the same pole, will it change our relationship?
im constantly struggling with things crossing my path. Do i walk around this or that, thinking that it will have an effect on my life.
i somehow feel better when i go back to that pillar, or pole, reversing my way back the way i went around it….. then i feel that i am feeling “back” in tune with life again. it does have an effect on the way i feel…. returning to that pillar and walk back the way (not reversing) i initially went… i feel like i am back the way i were (feeling great)
Its very hard to explain, and i know it sounds confusing.
it happens not just with “things” but also stuff i think about… or say…. if i accidentally think about something i dont want to, it will have an effect on me…. changing my life.
When i was younger, i had a friend picking me up for a night out in town. he would phone me, and then picking me up. it was great!
it often happened that if i set my ringtone to a specific ringtone, he would call me more often that when i selected a different tone. THATS where it all started. relying on things for things to happen or not happen. if i choose a different ringtone, he would not call me for a long time for no reason at all. we were great friends, so i relied on things that wiill have a positive effect on my life. if i feel that something i got is not working for the “balance” i get rid of it.
You may be describing obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). People with OCD struggle with making decisions. At its core, OCD is about anxiety, caused by fear. People with OCD engage in rituals in response to fear. These rituals, in the short-term, make people feel less fear, but in the long-term it only makes things worse. Untreated OCD symptoms beget more symptoms. Without treatment, it can be a vicious cycle.
My recommendation is to be evaluated by a mental health professional. If a disorder is present, treatment will be recommended. Most anxiety disorders are successfully treated with psychotherapy and or medication.
Anxiety symptoms suggest that something is wrong, that the way you think about the world could be wrong. This can be corrected with therapy. You and your therapist will analyze your thinking, determine its correctness and modify it to be in line with reality. That’s the essence of cognitive behavioral therapy, which in studies has been shown to be effective for anxiety disorders. I hope that you will consider therapy. It could improve the quality of your life. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
