From a teen in the U.S.: Hello. To begin, from an early age I moved schools and was placed in a different environment. I was in third grade and from that point on, I could not help but break down every other day. I was isolated from my peers and eventually began to do questionable things (such as “sacrificing worms”) but I attribute this to my childhood nature.
To fast forward to the 5th grade, I never was a part of a group nor had a close group of people I considered friends. In fifth grade, we were required by our teachers to give presentations in front of an entire combined three classes. I remember clearly walking up and failing to properly formulate sentences. The result was the entire combined classes laughing at me, I would like to state that this is not an over exaggeration because afterwards I had several girls who were devotedly against lying come to me and apologize saying “We tried to get everyone to stop laughing, I’m sorry”. Things slowly became worse as I had several falling out’s with friends that left me sobbing in the guidance counselor’s office.
I realize that it was during this time I began to develop a strong hatred towards all those around and wished for them all to be dead. I became engrossed with horror stories and in short, bad things. I remember wishing nothing but the worst towards everyone and constantly imaging scenes of hurting them. I have since worked extensively on that and have ceased to do so.
However, I began the habit of daydreaming and at some point created an imaginary character called “Issac.” In brief words, I made him everything I wanted and as such, I now feel more lost to the world around me than before. I no longer hate reality, but simply find it impossible to love. I daydream of people I could be with (who are far from perfect) and scenes of things I could do, 24/7. However, I cannot love anyone or value anyone else now. Despite all my efforts, I have relapses of hatred and at one point have slammed an extremely sharp pencil between a friend’s fingers without realizing- I barely missed her hand. I hate to word it in this way, but what can I do and should I seek help? Is there something wrong with me?
My guess is that you are an especially sensitive, imaginative person. For you, the move in third grade was traumatic. Sadly, none of the adults around you understood how upset you were, so you weren’t given the support and practical help you needed to figure out how to fit in socially and make friends. It makes sense that a kid who was hurt should start thinking about how to get even.
So now, here you are, about to be old enough to leave home for college or to get your first job, and you feel lousy about yourself and even more lousy about other people.
I’m so glad you wrote. This is an excellent time to deal with your issues before launching into adult life.
Yes, I do think you should seek help. “Issac” isn’t able to tell you things you don’t already know. You need input from someone who can hear your whole story and who can offer you support and practical help. I hope you will follow your own good instincts and make an appointment with a mental health counselor. You deserve help. With help, you can have a much better future than your past.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
