From France: I’m dating a guy with 3 kids. As soon as I started dating him he presented his kids and I thought it was nice. Very soon I FELT THE KIDS DID NOT WANT ME THERE. They took [some] of my stuff and damaged it in a duration of the first three weeks. As I did not find them friendly, I passed my time in the room a lot and I stayed close to my boyfriend and so the kids felt that I do not want them in the couple.
Next his friends & family said he and I are too close and that bothered him. And that made me feel they are jealous of us and today I don’t like them much.
My parter is frustrated that I have these issues with his friends, but I’m hurt that they say things about me. He feels I just have to ignore and not take things personally. I feel my partner does not want to confront friends and family and I’m the opposite.
My main issue is me and my boyfriend love each other, but today I feel he does not care about me and does not mind if I stay or leave. I don’t feel he loves me like before and that hurts me.
We get on well but I have the tendency to get annoyed for nothing and I know it but cant stop it. I can get annoyed for no reason and then build it into a whirl wind and then hate my partner call him names, say I don’t love him, say I want to break up. I can’t stop this bad habit in me and I was not like this before. I truly love him & I want us to have a nice life.
I feel sad often, feel he does not love me like before, I hate that kids’ mum talks about me, his kids being mean and my partner tells me all that is in my head and I’m looking negative at things and I should understand his kids are putting up with a divorce and they are kids. My partner said if I don’t manage my anger we need to split up.
Why am I reacting like this? Is there something wrong in me? Am i not seeing things straight? Please help me.
You probably are not seeing things straight. As you yourself said, you get annoyed for nothing at times. You also then verbally abuse your partner. It may be that his friends and family see that and feel protective of him.
Further, your partner is correct about his children. They are children and much less likely to hide their feelings than adults. He introduced you to them way too early. They are reacting only like children of divorce often do. Most kids want their parents to get back together. When a parent brings a new partner into the situation, they understand that reuniting the original family is less and less likely. Of course they react.
It’s too easy to write off others’ opinions as “jealousy.” That makes the situation totally their problem. It’s not. You have some serious anger issues that may be grounded in insecurities and anxiety. No one can fix that except you.
If you want to save this relationship, I suggest you get into some therapy right away. At 33 years old, it’s past time for you to develop a more complicated and compassionate view of other people — especially children. Whether or not you are able to learn quickly enough to keep this relationship, it’s important to do it so you can be part of any healthy relationship.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
