I have been depressed for around 4 years now i tried killing myself multiple times but failed the only thing stopping me now for committing suicide is the lack of an effective method i sleep all day i never meet other people i dont feel like this life is real at all nothing feels real i just feel nothing everyday is the same i am severely depressed to a bad extent but recently i have a strange problem , whenever i see a sad person like a family member or anyone talk about anything suicide or death or depression related i have this overwhelming feeling of despair and i feel so so so scared that they might be depressed like me but hiding it that i literally want to cut my ears and blind myself so just i dont find out that this person is suicidal or depressed like me and i dont know why but it’s a very very bad feeling i feel like my heart is going to explode i don’t know if it is because i want to feel unique even if it’s something as bad as depression but believe me it’s not like i seek attention i never leave my room and i never wanna talk to anyone and that increased this feeling and whenever i hear someone talking i cover my ears or put on headphones because i am so scared that he may say something hinting at him or her having depression.. and no one even know i have depression i never show them that i try to laugh all the time even though i dont feel anything but ultimate despair i am scared that some one would say something like yea bro i am depressed too or i know what u feel or anything like that please help i feel crazy what is that anyway?? some sort of a disorder or what? i tried searching the internet for something like that but no luck please help me please i wanna die so so so so bad please.
I’m not aware of any condition that would explain your desire to not want to hear others discussing their depression. Perhaps it’s because you’re in the midst of having depression and it would be too difficult.
If you’re highly sensitive to the distress of others, you may not be able to tolerate the suffering of others. That happens among people who are highly sensitive or overly empathic. Empathy, by definition, means being able to put yourself in someone else’s place, to feel their pain. Perhaps you possess a high level of empathy, and are especially sensitive to others who have a condition with which you have firsthand experience.
Another possibility is that you are frightened that someone will recognize that you have depression. It may prompt them to question you about it and you may not want to talk about it.
It could be that the idea of depression frightens you and you fear talking about it will make it worse.
Those above ideas are speculation. In order to know why you are feeling the way that you do, I would need to interview you. That would help me to understand why you don’t want to hear about the depression of others.
Given your level of depression, your desire to end your life, and the fact that you have attempted suicide multiple times in the past, I would highly recommend therapy. Depression is a highly treatable condition. In fact, along with anxiety, it is one of the most treatable conditions in the world. Depression can trick you into believing that nothing will help, and that you will always feel this way but that is not true. One of the most effective treatments is cognitive behavioral therapy. Some people also feel better when they take medication in addition to counseling.
Most individuals who feel suicidal or who have attempted to end their lives did not want to die. They simply wanted their pain to end but didn’t know how to help themselves. This is why seeking objective, professional counseling is so important. A therapist will know how to help you. They’ve dealt with other people with similar problems.
I would also encourage you to read the stories of individuals who have attempted suicide and who have survived. One story in particular that stands out is that of Kevin Hines. There are many YouTube videos and sources on the Internet where you can learn about his case. The essence of his story is that he was suicidal because of a mental health condition. He decided to end his life and jumped off a bridge. He immediately regretted his decision. Thankfully, he survived, and now spends his life educating people about what he calls “the ability to survive pain with true resilience.”
You can also read about similar acts of resilience in the book Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist who survived the Holocaust. I hope you will take the time to read about Kevin Hines and others who have faced similar situations. They are thankful to have survived. They came to realize that, with the right help, life can improve. If you’re willing to seek help, you can expect a similar outcome.
One case in point is actress Dani Fernandez. She recently tweeted the following: “The show I sold to HBO Max is a comedy about surviving the darkest time of my life. I get to star in it. I can guarantee the night I tried to take my life, I didn’t know I’d go on to do this. Everything I’ve done since then. You do not know your future. Your story is not done.”
The essence of her message is that you never know how your life might change for the better. As Dr. Frankl used to ask his suicidal patients, who doubted that their problems could be solved, “Who can guarantee that in your case it will not happen one day, sooner or later?”
Too many people simply live with their depression and stubbornly refuse to seek help. Don’t be one of those people. Depression is treatable and you have the power to make a positive change right now. I hope you will give it a try. Good luck and please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
