I am a 26 male from India. I am extremely psychologically disturbed and don’t know what to do.
In early childhood at the age of around 8 I was introduced to sex by a cousin who was around 15/16. I did not thought much about it then but i engaged in some sexual activities. It did not felt wrong or right at that time because i was just 8. One more cousin did the same with me next year. I did not know if it was wrong or right. Then by teenage i had sexual experiments with two more distant cousins in one of which the other guy initiated but in one case i did. I dont know why i did it but i did.
The experiments ended when i reached 14-15 years of age. After that i locked those memories away and never thought about it.
When i came in college i had a gf whom i dint love nor did i want to be in the relationship with her. I even tld her upfront that i dint want to be with you. But she cried and insisted so much and moreover my friends too pressured me to be with her so i went into the relationship. As soon as college ended i terminated the relationship. After a year i met her again and there was a rebound relationship. After some time it again felt wrong to me so i again broke up with her. This time she attempted suicide and was in ICU for 3 days. her mother threatened police case but nothing happened and i thought to never get in a relation again.
After 3 years i fell for a very nice girl whom i used to know since school days. Everything was good. But once i shifted my room and there was this other girl living beside my room who helped me a lot initially and gave me much attention. I started ignoring my gf and would talk to her. This happened for 10-15 days after which my gf felt something was wrong and i started avoiding her. But once again i talked to her after 4-5 days gap. Then once it so happened that sexual tension arose between us, I hugged her, kissed only gently and when the moment came to advance to the next level, i immediately felt what am i doing and i withdrew myself from the situation and after that i never talked to her again.
This happened around a year ago and about 8 months into the relationship. But already my gf knew something was wrong, she would cry a lot and plead to tell her everything. But i was scared and thought if i tell her she would not believe me and relationship would end. So i kept her circling for 9 months thinking she would forget about it. But then one day it so happened that she said she would leave me so i told her only bits of it and told her nothing happened between me and her.
Over the next few months we would fight a lot and i would always tell her that i never did anything. Also i hadnt told her the whole thing about my ex gf to her that she had attempted suicide. Also once while she was ready to leave me, I told her a little about my childhood that i have been abused in the childhood but i dint tell her the names of those people and the whole thing. After that we w ould always fight about how i never tell her the whole thing about anything. I had lost her trust completely.
One day she was like this is it. Its over. Then desperately to be with her i told her each and everything. Also that i had a consensual casual sexual encounter with two more girls. Told her about the past, childhood everything, the other girl everything. I had never told anyone about those darker times as there is too much stigma attached to sexuality in india.
After that she hated me so much that i couldnt even say. She was mad, stopped talking. called her sister in office whom she lives with asking if she could die. I got scared, i live 250 frm where she is, i immediately booked a cab and went there but by that time i had also called up her sister to go to home and later she found out that my gf was ok. Later in night i talked to her sister and she told me never to contact them again. Again when once i talked to my gf she told me i am the worst person on this planet , i used her physically and mentally and people like me must not exist and many more things.
I never had any bad intensions towards her. I loved her a lot. After the breakup i was so disturbed i started developing personality disorder and blamed it on the other guy inside me. After some days that thing went away. But i cannot bear the guilt of the whole situation. I had always felt lonely my whole life but only when i was with her i felt ok. But now i feel so so lonely like i had never felt before.
I burst into tears every now and then, in room, class, road, anywhere. I dont want to become what i am. I want just a normal life like everyone else. I never intentioned to do anything wrong with her. I had already talked to my parents about her and they were ready. I was going to talk to her parents too but she wont believe even a single word i say. I am just fighting myself from within. What do i do to make my loneliness go away and have a normal mind again? How do i rectify what i wronged to her?
Your letter shows you to be a sensitive and intelligent guy. It’s to your credit that you want to right the wrongs to these women. But before you can do that, you have work you need to do on yourself. You were more hurt than you realize by the sexual encounters with older relatives when you were a child.
You were not at an age when you could consent. You were not at an age when you could make sense of the experience. You were manipulated into doing things you were not ready for. Sadly, that put a pattern into place: Sexuality is connected on some level in your mind with manipulation. You now find women who also manipulate you, this time with tears and threats.
Unfortunately, I don’t know what services are available in your country. I hope there are therapists who specialize in the long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse. You need to talk with someone who can help you untangle your past abuse so that you can find loving partners to love.
If you can’t find a therapist, please do read about childhood sexual abuse and post traumatic stress disorder. You might also find it helpful to contact an online therapist or to join an online support group.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
