My name is S—-, and I’m 19 years old. For most of my life, I’ve been experiencing urges to kill people. And not with guns or anything like that either. I want to slice them open with a knife, taste their raw flesh, and watch the light leave their eyes as they die. If people on the street knew what I was thinking about doing to them, then they’d probably be horrified. Fantasizing about this sort of of thing really arouses me sexually, and while it’s not the only thing that does, it’s possibly the best. These urges don’t only occur when I’m upset or angered, but those emotions definitely amplify them. For example, if I’m just standing there with something sharp in my hand, I’ll have the impulse to just thrust it into the soft throat of the nearest person. I would just love to feel it sink in, and get covered by the blood gushing from their wound. I’d probably cannibalize their body, too, because I love the smell and taste of blood. When I was younger, I would
cut my arms just to taste the blood and rub it on my face. I’ve never actually killed anyone, no matter how much I’ve wanted to, but I a did stab my neighbor’s dog to death once. It just made me feel so alive, like nothing else ever had, to feel it’s fear and watch it die. Now that I’m writing this all down, it’s making me sound like some kind of deformed, basement-dwelling freak. But I’m an attractive person, have a sizable amount of friends, loving parents, and a beautiful girlfriend. She’s the real reason I’m writing this; I’m absolutely horrified by the prospect of her finding out what I’m like. I don’t want her to be afraid of me, but she’s too sweet to not be. I haven’t “gotten help” yet because I’m still living off of my parents, and I haven’t even told them I’m a lesbian yet, much less a psychotic cannibal. I just can’t see that conversation going well. I’ve also often fantasized about stabbing a therapist in the eye with his own pen, so I don’t know if that would be such a good idea. I don’t really want to have these thoughts and feelings, but my life wouldn’t be so fulfilling without them. Why am I like this?
Your fantasies are outside the norm. Most people do not fantasize about killing and cannibalism and would find these thoughts to be immoral and an unacceptable expression of evil.
Killing a dog and watching it suffer and gaining pleasure from its suffering is also something that most people would never do. It is a socially unacceptable behavior. The FBI considers cruelty to animals a crime against society.
The graduation hypothesis suggests that hurting animals is an early warning sign for future violence. If an individual is willing to hurt animals, then they might also be willing to hurt people. Animal abuse has also been linked with domestic violence, child abuse and murder. Some well known killers have histories of hurting and torturing animals.
You have already killed an animal. The concern is that you will hurt more animals or “graduate” to people. Also concerning is that you like these fantasies, seem unwilling to give them up, are turned on by them, and have already more or less said you don’t want to see a therapist.
Mental health professionals can’t help people who don’t want help, but if you change your mind, you can get help. Getting help could be the difference between your correcting this problem or it growing into a much larger problem in your life. Had you been arrested for torturing and killing the dog, you would have likely faced jail time. Should it happen again and you are caught, given the new harsher federal laws against animal abuse, you could face significant prison time. The FBI recently reclassified animal cruelty as a Group A federal offense, a category that includes other serious crimes such as arson, burglary, kidnapping, and homicide.
Whenever you recognize that something is wrong and that your behavior is a problem, then it is incumbent upon you to seek help. Seeking professional help is the most effective and responsible choice you can make. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
