It’s been three years since I have been in a on-and-off relationship. He was a gentleman (which I think was my made up concept) during the start of the relationship. He later on turned to be a monster for me. He cheated on me (as much as I know) around 5 times. The first girl made her entry after the first month of our relationship. I thought people make mistakes and that they deserve forgiveness, so I decided on giving him his first chance. Moreover I had this sympathy for him that made me go back to him always. His sister used to tell me that he had a bad childhood and he wasn’t given care then, so she had told me to take care of her baby brother. And he lost his father when he was in his 10th grade. All this made me give him chances over and over again.
The second time he cheated, I thought I had something that was to be changed in me, and thats why he is doing it again. And keeping all his sister’s words in mind, I gave him a chance again. Third time was the most shocking incident among all this!! HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND ONE YEAR BEFORE OUR RELATIONSHIP. HE WAS DOUBLE DATING FOR A YEAR!!! This left me in pieces but again they made me a fool by saying that they both broke up! (Later on I came to know it was a play between them.)
The fourth time it was his “best friend.” The fifth time, again, the other girl. And by this time, they had sex too. We broke up for a while during this time. But, his sister called me up again and said all the usual things. After this, he said he will treat me properly, and he was perfect for a month or so. But after that, all his exes started coming back one by one (he claims them to be his best friends though). And he meets them all, clicks pictures with them and uploads them on facebook. And he thinks I am ugly to show to the public, and that I am fat. He used to ignore me a lot. Not ignored actually he still does. I tried to justify by answering myself as to whether he might be busy with his exams, college or maybe some other reason which he doesn’t want to disclose to me. Even if he talks, he swears at me. One day, since I was with my parents, I couldn’t pick his calls, so he called me around 12:30 AM while I was fast asleep and sweared me till 3:00. I cried and begged him not to do that. But, he laughed and kept calling me a slut and that went to the extent of swearing my family too.
I have had enough in this relationship. But I don’t know what to do. Every time I try to break up, he approaches the other way where he knows I would fall for him. He hardly talks to me now. He thinks I ask for too much of his time. His phone is busy all the time and even though he is online, he wouldn’t reply to my message. All this has affected me in a negative way. I am no longer calm as I used to be, no longer strong, I feel very weak! I believed in loyalty before. But now, I don’t think it exists. I have become very short tempered, I fight with him daily (though he doesn’t even a bat an eye even if I do). And now, he blames me that my character is makes him avoid me. I cry myself to sleep everyday. I lost my friends because of him. He hated all my friends and sweared me many times for keeping contacts with my friends. I feel so lonely most of the time now. I have no one to talk to. Is it really my character that is causing all this problem??!! I seriously don’t know what to do. This is been my 3 year problem. And I need a solution to this. (age 18, from India)
No, it is not your character that is causing the problem. It sounds like you are in an abusive and controlling relationship and you need to do everything within your power to break it off permanently! He is very disrespectful toward you and your biggest mistake is taking him back after knowing you cannot trust him.
I would suggest that you cut off all contact with him as soon as possible. You even need to block his phone number, delete him as a friend online and so forth, so that he cannot worm his way back into your life. He may view this as a challenge and try to win you back even more, but his history proves that he will only hurt you again.
Focus your energy on repairing your damaged friendships and/or making new friends and ask your friends and family to help you develop the strength to stay away from this toxic relationship. If this is not enough, you can seek counseling or a support group to help you with this, as well as to help you discover why you have allowed this to continue for so long. Remember that others treat us how we allow them to treat us. You need to work on self-love and self-respect before you enter another romantic relationship.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts
