First of all, sorry for my bad english. I’ll get straight to the problem, I think I have depression or something similar. I always feel bad and I think of hurting myself a lot, I’m always depressed and I cry for no reason, I’m always tired and I don’t enjoy doing what I did before. I’ve tried telling my parents about the problem but they laugh it off and at this point I’m too afraid to tell them because they will either scream at me or just put me down. I think this depression started from the age of 8-9. It was at that time when my mom divorced with my dad and they got separate lives. I ended up being with my mom and she also got a man with who she married later on (I think this is where the problem starts). My stepdad turned out to be a drunkard, he would always drink and scream at my mother, my mom is pretty strong so she would always shout too. My parents were fighting everyday, they would always ignore me and I was always alone, I started crying a lot because they were fighting everyday and i couldn’t stand it. I also remember how my stepdad beat me once for crying..but i was 10 years old…why? I tried not to be in my parents way so i studied and did everything by myself. At school I always seem happy and all my classmates say that I’m really cheerful and that I always smile (actually I don’t…I feel painful inside but I can’t tell them because I’m embarrassed of my family and I’m also scared to bring friends home). When I reached 15, I finally thought that I got a good friend who will understand me, but she just ditched me and left me alone. At this point I’m scared to make friends and I cry everyday and I feel really bad. My health isn’t good either, I had 3 surgeries (I wont type them here because it wont fit) so whenever I feel pain, I just endure it, I’m used to it…I think everyday why am I here? Why was I born? I know that a lot of people have it worse and my friends would laugh at me… but at this point… I have no support, no one believes me. Please help (age16, from Estonia).
I’m sorry that things have been so painful for you for so long. There is a chance that you could be depressed, but you have good reason to be. It is important that you find some help and support somewhere. If you have tried talking with your parents about your struggles and they laugh at you, it is time to find another trusted adult who you can confide in. Please consider speaking with a teacher, your school counselor or nurse, your doctor, an adult friend of the family, or another family member. I’m not sure what your relationship is with your biological father but can you speak to him about your home situation and how miserable you feel? Hopefully someone can help you get in touch with a mental health professional, but you also might be able to do this on your own. In our country, teens of a certain age can seek some counseling even without parent permission.
I also think you need to try harder to make friends and reach out to them. Don’t worry so much about being judged or not understood. Everyone has problems and needs support. Maybe if you extend trust to someone, they will in turn confide in you as well. But also, don’t let one or two broken friendships keep you from trying again. Teenage relationships can be very fluid… so your best bet is to learn to ride the waves rather than just give up.
You’ve been through a lot of stressful things and I hope that you find some support soon. Things will get better and you will eventually be able to choose your own living situation as well as who you spend time with. In the meantime, reach out and do your best to surround yourself with positive people.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts
