Told mother my weight so that I’d have someone to talk to. She told me that if my father found out then he’d divorce her. I try to help it and gain at least two pounds but I can’t go a day eating normally without being disgusted and restricting the next day. I’m afraid of going to the doctor because I’ve lost over ten pounds since last we met and I can’t fake “eating healthy and exercise” anymore. She looks at my hands for acid stains and it’s a miracle she sees nothing because I purge whenever I can’t handle having all that excess in me. I take laxatives but o hate the idea of the calories absorbing and I purge but I hate the idea of my teeth being yellow even though I brush them so much. I remind myself that I need to gain for my parents but I can’t even convince myself that it isn’t okay that the people I used to look up to as “ideal” aren’t even thin anymore. I can’t eat three meals a day without forcing it out one way or another. I can’t leave the house without someone large over me to hide what I see. I’m self aware to the fact that others don’t see me as “fat” but the fact that I’m not *skinny* matter so much more and I can’t wrap my head around why. I don’t have any friends to speak to, I moved recently and there’s no one here I can speak to without losing my voice- just writing this is making me want to lay my head down because of the ache in my head. I want to move out so that i at least don’t have to pretend that I’m doing okay and forcing myself into this loop, I cant get over how exciting the idea of being alone is the same way I can’t get over the blur of fear in the back of my peripheral at the same thought. I don’t know what to do. I have my whole life ahead of me and my grades match up fine, but as this keeps progressing I lose focus and patience. Everything feels empty and I keep buckling down and closing in. What should I do?
You stated that “I have my whole life ahead of me…” but that’s not true if you are sick or die from an eating disorder. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of all mental health disorders. The survival rate quickly increases with treatment.
The acid that is scarring your hands is also damaging your esophagus and teeth. Electrolyte and chemical imbalances can damage your heart and other major organs. It’s imperative that you seek professional treatment. It is a very serious matter.
You mentioned wanting to move so you can be alone, but that may be a bad idea. Isolation will likely exacerbate your disorder. It would allow you to purge in secret. You would no longer have to pretend that you’re okay. Cutting ties with your remaining contacts would be self-destructive. These connections, however tenuous, might be preventing the development of a full-blow eating disorder.s
I would encourage you to consult a mental health professional who specializes in treating eating disorders. Good treatments exist. They will know how to help you out of this “dead end.” They’ve treated many people with eating disorders and they can help you too. The longer you wait to seek help, the more damage that is being done to your mind and body. I hope you will choose treatment. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle