Okay first of all I’m at rock bottom to ask for help here but lately I’ve been having a problem. There’s this really scary nightmare I have every single night for maybe a month now and it’s when I’m alone with someone in a darkish place and I’m on top of them and I’m stabbing them over and over and I can’t stop, like my arm isn’t even mine anymore and I usually wake up around there. Now this would be just odd if it wasn’t for the fact that I also have scary but enjoyable thoughts. I see people and want to hurt them really bad no matter who it is. I love the feel and smell of blood and enjoy having it around me. I’ve killed small creatures and I can’t fully remember doing it except knowing their dead. Am I crazy or is this some weird but regular problem? This can’t be normal and has been happening since I was young. The first time I hurt something was a dying bird and it felt disgustingly good. Oh god I still can’t believe I’m actually posting this but it’s too awkward to say it to anyone in person cause I tend to be more confident in my writing. Uh thanks if you come across this. (I’ve thought about suicide a lot and wrote multiple notes but I don’t have the guts to do it).
A: I’m sorry that you are having these scary nightmares and disturbing thoughts, but I’m glad you are reaching out for help. There are several things you mention in your question that concern me a great deal.
First and foremost, anytime you feel so bad that you would consider suicide, it is time to get some professional help. The suicidal thoughts, the nightmares, the violent thoughts and the history of hurting animals all lead me to give you the same advice: please get some help.
You are only 14 so if you talk to a therapist now there’s a very good chance that you will be able to overcome all these issues successfully. Please speak to your parents about helping you find a good therapist who works with teenagers. You may not even have to tell your parents exactly why you want to speak with someone in the beginning. Just be sure to be very direct and persistent that you want help now. Your school counselor or medical doctor may be able to give you some recommendations for therapists.
Don’t worry about being “crazy,” just focus on getting better so you can feel peace inside.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts