Hi, I have suffered MH problems from aroound the age of 6 (now 24) at 14 I was put on anti-d’s and at 19 I was diagnosed with OCD and BPD. The thing im struggling with the most is my severe dissociation, for many years i thought i had just been falling asleep or blacking out, i started to notice the signs; a funny smell, headache and stiff neck but still couldnt control it happening, then people started saying things like “oh u were behaving very oddly the other day” and i wouldnt even recall that i had seen them, my mother once said “I dont know why in some situations you start acting like a man, smoking walking and talking like one” over the past two years ive communicated more with the voices in my head to which i had previously thought everyone had, i now know there names and communicate the most with a 15 year old called Billy, my ex partner said he used to come out alot and was quite aggressive in his manner she said he liked different things to me and stuff, ive in the past been arrested for assault and not remembered a thing about whats happened.. then there are child alters that come out less often but when one did my ex said “if u saw what u were like u would be very embarrassed”.
Ive just finished DBT and other than simply losing time i didnt tell her about the alters, although im pretty sure she has spoken to Billy and not realised it “u were very aggressive when u spoke to me”…again no recollection.. she once said she felt i was very fragmented and that my dissociation is more severe than it to just be a symptom of BPD.
I know its not seizures because when i was in psych hospital they sent me for an EEG and it was clear.. ive done the sdq20 privately online and scored within the DID bracket. I see a psychiatrist every three months (im in the uk) and i have a care-co-ordinator.. its getting worse of late and billy is expressing he wants to kill people especially my mum.. the last few times ive found smahed objects and theres been self harm, i have also come to in some odd places… in the harbour, on the motorway.
I dont know where to go from here or even if i def have DID, i feel too embarrassed to tell my psychiatrist, because when i mentioned it in hospital it was swept under the carpet. and i fear they wont believe me because it sounds so odd but i really dont want someone dying all because i didnt get help.. i/he has already come close to killing my cousin apparently i had the strength of an ox, a mad look in my eye and i knocked her out then repeatidly kicked her in the head. Im really scared please help.
I would suggest that you make a detailed list of your symptoms and bring them to your psychiatrist. Perhaps he misunderstood you and this could explain why he did not provide you with a satisfactory response. It might have been a simple miscommunication. A detailed list would give him the opportunity to fully analyze your symptoms and come to a conclusion about what your diagnosis might be.
If you do try to speak to your psychiatrist and still feel as though he is not addressing your symptoms, you can always seek a second opinion or even a third. Search for a mental health professional who specializes in the treatment of dissociative identity disorder (DID) or who has experience treating individuals with this disorder.
Some clinicians never see a case of DID during their entire careers. This could explain why some mental health professionals are not fully convinced that DID exists, although it is a recognized disorder in the DSM-IV.
Though you might have DID, it’s also important to realize that you may not. It’s best not to assume that you have the disorder. At this time, I think it’s important that you are properly evaluated by a mental health professional. It is imperative that you do this sooner than later especially because of your fear that you may harm someone. It would also be helpful if you had a trusted friend or family member who could be with you and monitor your behavior. This person could objectively verify whether or not you are engaging in a particular type of behavior. He or she could also speak to your psychiatrist and corroborate your behavior and symptoms. This might help your doctor to understand more of what you’re going through.
I hope you’re able to find the help that you need. If you believe that you may be a danger to yourself or others, please do not hesitate to go to the emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation. The emergency room can provide you with immediate help. Please take care. I wish you well.
