Hello, my boyfriend is great to me in person. We function well as a couple. However, he does certain things.
He often yells out uncontrollably “I’m not gay, i’m german. I’m a God in the flesh.” He also mentions he’s a genius and the government is spying on him. To remedy this he screams in the shower “Shut up!” He also has a tendency to yell at his computer. This has disrupted my sleep. He’s also claimed he saw the devil leaning on his shoulder whispering the secret of life into his ear while brushing his teeth.
He’s a hard worker. He works 2 part time jobs and owns a small business online selling his art. While I support him, he is obsessed, like he will spend hours and it will get to the point of me telling him to come spend time with me. It’s like he’d rather sit on his computer then have human interaction. That isn’t my biggest concern.
He claims to have “out of body” experiences led by a voice. He refuses to give me the name of said “Voice.” Also, he has a few dozen dream journals intricately written out. A relevant question. When you just wake up, how can you perfectly and legibly write down your dream? Now here’s the last thing that bothers and hurts me. Since I agreed to marry this man, I did a background check. His records clean, he’s not abusive, but he had 3 dating sites stating he was single. I called him out, I printed his profile. I had the proof in front of him and he said I was crazy over and over.
I take 2 trains and walk 1.5 miles to see him (this is until my vehicle is repaired.) I have bought him groceries for nearly a couple months, shown him loyalty and love. He brought up us getting married, which was to early but now at a year I feel it’s fine to get engaged. He’s a bit older than me, i’m 29 and he’s 39.
Iv’e been told that he may have these profiles up related to self esteem or validation issues. He has a tendency to self deprecate himself and often asks me if I love him. I wished you could meet him and you would understand. I’m paranoid you think i’m sounding like a unhappy girlfriend. Why would someone show you such strong devotion in person, yet act insane and persue others online?
Obviously, his maintaining dating profiles on the Internet is problematic, but you seem to be overlooking potentially major red flags about his mental health. His symptoms may indicate psychosis. Psychosis is a break with reality and it is associated with several serious mental health disorders including schizophrenia.
It will be difficult for him to function in a relationship if he is psychotic. Untreated psychosis tends to become worse over time. Some people require hospitalization. Until his symptoms are under control and he is consistently participating in treatment for at least one year, you should postpone your marriage plans. Once it is clear that his mental health is stable and he is willingly participating in treatment, then you might want to revisit your marriage plans. Until then, I would advise against it.
Marriage is a major life decision with implications for the rest of your life. You should consider counseling to discuss these issues in more depth. Given your minimization of his mental health symptoms, my concern is that you have not given much thought to how his possible mental health condition could affect your life as a couple.
Have you considered the following questions regarding his mental health: What if his symptoms worsen? How will you handle erratic behavior? What if he doesn’t participate in treatment? What if he doesn’t think he’s ill despite his symptoms and refuses treatment? What if the “voice” tells him that you’re secretly trying to harm him and that he should preemptively attack you to defend himself? Those are only several questions to consider. Assuredly, there are many more.
If your fiancé does have a serious mental illness, it will greatly affect your life and relationship. You need to be fully informed about his illness and how it could impact your life together and the lives of your children, should you decide to start a family. Most importantly, there needs to be a clear plan for how his illness will be managed. Many people with serious mental illnesses have successful relationships but without treatment, that might not have been possible. Premarital counseling would be a very wise decision. Books and online support groups are also good sources of information. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
