From a teen in Egypt: I could remember myself back 3-4 years ago. I was just trying to be ‘normal’, because I was just a kid. I didn’t know what I want or even who I’m, so I used to try to stick to what’s known as ‘good’ if you know what I mean.
I thought about it and I found out that what I knew then for sure is that I want to look at myself with pride and ego.
As I grew up, and found no use of what I was trying to do. I decided to consider it an issue, I took advantage of my talent of writing and wrote about myself, recognized who I’m, until I actually got it. It seemed like a victory to me, loving myself and finally looking at the world with a perspective of mine, not only that vision which the society wants me to observe and conclude by (sometimes we agree)It has progressed over the years, as I’ve become totally self-centered. I’m deeply the most selfish person I know, and what’s surprising me is that I’m dearly proud of it. I love myself for reasons and for no reasons. This is a clear-enough description of myself..
I technically live inside my head. I don’t care (not even slightly) about what people think and how they describe or see things. Everything is analysable (like seriously, EVERYTHING around me). I love being alone, even when it’s making me the most bored person on earth, I’d prefer entertaining myself by books and TV shows which satisfies my imagination on a long-term. I very rarely feel anything related to ‘love’ towards anybody but my own family (we live in the same house),
I left my girlfriend after 2.5 years together and I felt nothing but the absence of some daily conversations and activities, and I never feel sorry for anybody who dies (I might feel angry if it was terrible, but never sorry). I admire what I like, no matter how people see what I like evil or crazy or messed up. I don’t ever feel guilt towards anybody but myself (if some of my actions scratched my ego). I never get angry at anybody or expect anything bad or good from anybody whatsoever. I love myself more
than I’d ever love anybody. And most importantly : I’m only satisfied when I’m totally alone (that’s why I’m here).
The simple answer to your question is “No”. It’s not normal to be so isolated. Human beings are social creatures by nature. As much as you want to think you live in a universe of one, you don’t. Like everyone else in the world, you are dependent on other people in a variety of ways. Even a hermit needs other people to be a hermit from.
You’ve compensated for not being able to figure out how to get along by withdrawing from the social world. If you continue to live like this, it is going to have negative effects on both your mental and physical well-being.
So, as much as I think you are going to hate it, I do think you need to see a mental health specialist for an evaluation. You may be right that you are just a misanthropic individual but, even if that’s the case, it may be important to understand why. With that understanding, you can decide if you want to keep it up or change it. It also occurs to me that you may be on the high end of the autism spectrum. If that’s the case, your thinking and behavior may have come about as a compensation. There are better ways to deal with it.
You do have a talent for writing as demonstrated by your clear letter. But even the solitary task of writing is usually for and about other people. We have to live life in order to have things to write about.
I think you deserve better than you’ve got right now. Narcissus, the character in Greek legend and the person for whole narcissism is named, loved himself as you do and it caused his death. People are not meant to narrow their world and their love to only themselves. When they do, it results in a kind of mental atrophy and the world becomes a very lonely place.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
