I’m starting to think there is something wrong with who I am. People seem to act coldly and distantly towards me. The group of friends that I call myself a part of don’t seem to want to be around me – I only see them at school, they often make plans to go out as a group, which I only find out about after they have already been done. They openly talk about ‘the fun they all had’ over the weekend in front of me. They don’t contact me outside of school. I have tried making new friends, but people tend to treat me weirdly when I talk to them and this has made me nervous about initiating conversations. I think it’s my fault, somehow, that they see something about me that I don’t realise and this makes me undesirable to be around.
I never really noticed it before, but I think it has been happening for my entire high school career. Now that I know, I am comparing my behaviour with everyone around me, seeing myself as ugly even though I didn’t before, and I have trouble sleeping because I lie awake in bed at night, considering all that is wrong with me that makes people not like me.
I know that I sound pathetic, but that’s not my aim. It’s like nothing I say or do comes across the way I want it to. I’m starting to dislike myself, and occasionally I will apologise to myself in the mirror for being the way I am.
I also think my teachers don’t like me, because I am quiet and I never participate in class and because I act very strangely. I get good marks, though, so I don’t know.
I think it goes without saying that I have never been in a romantic relationship.
To answer your question directly, there’s nothing wrong with who you are. You may be experiencing depression. You are beginning to dislike yourself. You see yourself as “ugly” and “undesirable.” You are blaming yourself for the behavior of others and assuming that you’re the problem in all situations.
People with depression don’t think highly of themselves. Their view of the world is negative and pessimistic. They tend to see themselves as a burden, believing that others would be better off without them. That line of thinking can lead someone to isolate and withdraw from the social world.
Your assessment of this situation may be inaccurate. Depression clouds judgment. You could benefit from therapy. A therapist would objectively analyze your life and determine what treatment is most appropriate. A therapist will assess your social situations, your friendships and the way you interact with others. He or she will also determine whether or not you have depression and if the symptoms are interfering with your relationships and social situations. It’s important to proactively begin treatment when distressing symptoms emerge. This problem can be easily corrected with the assistance of the right therapist and treatment. I hope you will consider professional help. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog