My brother recently announced that his new wife and him are expecting.
It really started a little over a year ago when he got engaged two days after I did. His wedding was only a few months after mine, and they are 5 weeks pregnant and got married 5 weeks ago. After my husband and I got married we struggled to see eye to eye on the timing of us getting pregnant. I would like it to happen immediately and he’d like to wait a little longer.
After hearing the big news of my brother’s pregnancy, I’m having all the ‘feels’. I’m very happy and excited for them, BUT I really just wish it was me.
I want to be pregnant and have a family so badly, but also know it needs to be the right timing for us. I struggle when women around me announce their pregnancies as two people I work with closely on a daily basis are also currently pregnant.
I’ve talked to my husband about my feelings and he doesn’t quite get my feelings with this. He doesn’t want kids as badly as I do, and doesn’t understand why I can’t just be happy for my brother, instead of feeling a little jealous. He just says that I should feel thankful for everything I do have instead of dwelling over the things I don’t. As yes this is good advice, it is easy to say that when he isn’t the one who desperately wants a child.
When we discuss having children, he expresses that he does want kids, just not right now. I feel like it boils down to an issue between him and I, but don’t know how to come to a solution where we both compromise, instead of one person making a sacrifice about what they want. I don’t want to resent him for wanting to wait, and I don’t want him resenting me for wanting a child. How do I cope with my jealousy and how can I compromise with him?
Your husband gave you good advice. You shouldn’t take your blessings for granted. For instance, if you acquired an illness that seriously affected your health, you’d realize how precious your health is. It shouldn’t take a serious illness to cause one to realize that, but unfortunately, too many people take these blessings for granted. We often don’t realize what we have until it’s gone.
It seems evident that you and your husband did not have discussions about children, at least in-depth discussions, before marriage. That was a mistake. If having children was important to you, you should’ve been sure that the individual you planned to marry, had similar ideas. Since that did not seem to occur, you are now in the position of having to wait.
Perhaps the two of you can have more direct discussions about how long he wants to wait. You might try couples counseling to assist.
Given that you are beginning to feel resentment towards your husband, couples counseling might be necessary to prevent this issue from damaging your marriage. It might help the two of you to communicate more about the things that matter to the both of you. Though it should’ve been done before the marriage, it’s not too late. Thank you for your question. Good luck and please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
