When I was in fifth grade, there was this boy whom i usually pick fights with. I never understood why but the boy pissed me off for no reasons. I will always start something so that I can argue with him. After fifth grade, our family moved away from that town and I have never seen him since. However when I was in eighth grade, I started to have dreams about him and then I realized that I am in love with him. I assumed that it was because he was the complete opposite of me and that was just a crush. The feelings unfortunately did not fade with time like I hope. I found that my ‘love’ towards him grew stronger by the day, if that could be called love. I keep track on his Facebook and twitter accounts, so that i am kept updated about his daily activities. I fantasize about him all day long, however I did not pay that any mind as I assumed that it was normal. For your information, I have never been in a relationship as I am unable to scrape off my feelings for him. I have never been attracted to men apart from him. I tried to get rid of this feeling in every way that I could but I could not. Recently, I found my self hating every single of his female friends for being close to him. I am unable to sleep nowadays as I keep thinking of him, I fantasize killing his female friends as I want to keep him all to myself. The thing is I know that he might not even remember me anymore, but subconsciously, I always include him in my plans, for example, the other day I was at this furniture shop and there was this cabinet that got my attention, and I start imagining buying it for our,me and the guy’s, house. I also like to start a conversation with my own mind, so at that time, my mind reminded me that he does not even aware of my existence, and that got me really upset. For your information, i have thought of killing the guy so that nobody can have him. What should I do? I have not seen him for so long and yet I am like this. I cannot forget about him at all. I do not want to be a stalker.
You seem obsessed with this man. Per your own admission, you fantasize about him day and night. You track his cyber interactions. You don’t sleep because you can’t stop thinking about him. You’ve considered killing his female friends. You are now contemplating murder because in your mind if you can’t have him no one can.
Those are dangerous thoughts. You can’t control your feelings and the concern is that you’ll be unable to control your behavior.
If you were to hurt this man or his female friends, you could lose your freedom. You could spend the rest of your life in prison. You might even be sentenced to die, which in your country of Malaysia is execution by hanging. Virtually all religions believe murder is a sin. Should you carry out your deadly desires you would destroy your life and the lives of many people. Are you really willing sacrifice your life for someone who is not even aware of your existence?
He was your first love, even if you didn’t know it was love at first. Firsts, of any kind, can be hard to forget. In your case, it was not only a first but an “only.” New relationships will help you forget past relationships. If you had experienced more relationships, you might barely remember your first love.
The responsible course of action is to seek professional help. Psychotherapy can assist you in controlling your feelings and behavior. It could prevent a tragedy that would undoubtedly ruin your life and the lives of many others. I hope you make the responsible choice and seek professional help. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice