From the U.S.: I have been in an unhappy marriage for five years, since our daughter was born to be exact. Although she makes me feel so lucky and a very happy mom, my husband and I seemed to agree to be a team and work together for the sake of her happiness. I always thought that doesn’t matter how difficult our relationship gets, I would never leave him because I don’t want our daughter to grow up with divorced parents. I promised this to myself, until I met “The One”.
We made eye contact, and there is an electricity when we are close together. It feels as if I’ve know him forever, like an old friend that I can be myself with. I can’t do that with my husband, I have to watch my words, my attitude and to not say something that he disagrees with, he often disagrees on everything I say. Walking on eggshells. He’s not romantic, or loving, or sensitive, he thinks when I cry I’m just being childish. He has said things that have hurt me a lot and that I will never forget. But I have tried, time and time again to be the “happy family”, it’s been hard but people seemed to think we are alright, that means no problems.
My parents have been married for over 40 years, I wanted that so bad. But I don’t see my husband and I being like them, always loving with each other for many more years. We plan sex, we have weird hugs, we rarely kiss. We’re together for our daughter, and our pride.
I have always try to be honest and be forward on my feeling, it’s been a few months now that “The One” has been trying to win me over, he knows I’m married and kinda respects that, he is divorced and also has a daughter that is a year older than my own. He has shared how much he would like them to play together. He is so loving, and sensitive and most of all, a positive person that always reaches for happiness. My mentality has made a complete turn. Why should I sacrifice my happiness? Don’t I deserve true love? Why should I live with someone that makes me feel bad about myself? Should I tell my husband? Should I end my marriage?
I don’t want my daughter to suffer. Please help!
I can’t tell you what to do. I can tell you that using “The One” to crowbar yourself out of your marriage is a mistake. Moving from one relationship to another without taking the time to heal generally results in repeating some version of the same situation. You need to take the time to make sense of why you were drawn into such an unloving marriage and to learn new ways to be in a relationship.
If you want to leave your marriage, leave it for all the reasons you gave in your letter. Those are the reasons that matter — not the entrance of the new guy — and those are the reasons you should give your husband if you decide to separate. Neither of you should be distracted from those realities by focusing on “The One.” You should be talking about why your relationship is failing.
Frankly, I don’t believe in anyone being “The One.” I think you are drawn to this guy because he is such a contrast to the man you are with, and he offers you a way out.
If “The One” truly loves you, he will give you a year to recover from the marriage, to find your own identity outside of that relationship and to look at him clearly (without the stardust of being favorably contrasted with your husband).
I sympathize with your desire to give your daughter a positive model for adult love. I understand why you want to give her the kind of stable upbringing you had. But it’s also important to consider whether the environment you and your husband have created for her is the healthiest.
Fortunately, you and your daughter’s father do know how to be a solid parenting team. That shouldn’t change if you divorce. He should stay in her life.
You and your daughter are both young. If you do divorce, you have plenty of time to recover and to find new love. You have plenty of time to work on making the kind of family you’ve always wanted.
I wish you well,
Dr. Marie
